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My uterus has magical powers

This might just get me sporked by many women all over the planet- but when it comes to “period problems”– I did not draw the short stick. Not when I was younger, anyways.

I didn’t start early, only once in my entire life have I had an “embarrassing bleed through” situation that had to be handled immediately or it would forever scar my reputation (and even that was mild compared to the poor soul who started her period in the middle of class wearing white shorts). I never had the week of outrageous mood swings leading up to the floodgates of hell opening up; for the first ten years I didn’t even get bloated, and the cramps weren’t anything to call in sick to school over.

Yes, I hate young me too.

Of course, that “bliss” (although I would argue that bleeding from your nethers regardless of severity of pain is the opposite of bliss, but I digress) did not last long.
As the years wore on, Aunt Flo began living up to her title of “Fucking Bitch”– but only once she actually tore my insides out through my vagina.

Now, i’m not sure if it was pure luck, or some unholy bond with my ovaries that I was unaware of at such a naive age- but the only PMS symptom I had for a long time was itchy tits. Yes, I said itchy tits. Like so itchy I wanted to tear those bitches off- and that’s saying a lot since it took me so long to grow ANYTHING above an A cup that I treasured those stupid things.

Even though my periods rivaled the battlefields of World War II, PMS was always a non-factor for me. Good and bad, since PMS blows donkey dick, but it does alert you to the eruption of your lady bits- something that has been wonky since day one. Never once have I known when Flo is actually going to strike- so her arrival is always a surprise. Even with that stupid app I downloaded to keep the “OMFG AM I PREGNANT??” panic at bay every.single.month.
Still, even with that thing “tracking” my cycles- each month i’ve had it, it has been wrong. WRONG I SAY. This ruined Valentine’s Day sex, and has been the cause of at least one freak out, because I had absolutely nothing else to rely on to tell me when the bitch was going to show up on my doorstep with her suitcase of tricks.

That is… until this month.

For the first time in my entire life, minus the indication of itchy tit (which faded over time)- I could hear Aunt Flo and her giant red heels full of shit trudging up to my house- ready to dropkick down my uterine wall.
I was angry, moody, evil, cramps from hell which caused some of the worst back and neck pain to date, and a level of stabby I had never quite reached before. Everything the kids did drove me insane, everything Thomas said gave me a severe case of the dickpunchies, and the dog? Fuck that dog!
I knew- either my period is coming down the pipes in a way unlike it ever has before- or i’m dying of some kind of infectious disease that when I perish they will just refer to as “cunt.”

Lucky for me, the former was true and not the latter.

Now, if you’ve been hanging around this blog for long enough- you know my feelings on the paranormal, ghosts, etc. If not, here’s a quick crash course: Yes, I believe in ghosts. I not only believe that they exist, but that I have been “haunted” so to speak, by them for my entire life. One of my first memories is of a ghost haunting my bedroom at night. I have SO many experiences, in fact, that my next book (if I ever get off my ass and continue to work on it) will be solely about those experiences. Since moving into this house, weird shit has happened on a regular basis. Footsteps, writing in the carpet, voices, etc. Most weirdness around here I just chalk up to that.

So when I refer to “magical” powers that my uterus might have- no, I am not referring to the creation of new life. Do you know me at all??

Back to where i’m going with all of this: My first day of this lovely period of mine was the angriest I have been… maybe ever. That whole week of super-stabby culminated in me stomping around like a 5 year old with a temper tantrum and NOTHING was going my way. I felt ready to explode. If selling children didn’t get me jail time, I may have actually listed them online. All those threats to get smothery with a pillow? Temptation may have been too strong to resist.
Let’s just say I was an absolute grade A bitch and EVERYONE should have steered clear. I don’t usually feel sorry for Thomas, but sweet jesus- that poor man.

The unthinkable happened- we made it to nap time with no injuries. I considered this a victory. I attempted to relax, but sometimes idiocy on the internet and the frustrations of the day begin to boil over once everything finally goes silent.
Out of the corner of my eye- I catch the boys’ toy airplane (a rather large airplane) which is sitting on the floor halfway across the living room flip right over. I figure one of the kids is up, or the dog has lost his damn mind trying to ruin the peace naptime has brought upon the house- so I jump off of the couch, prepared for battle.

Only… no one was there. One kid upstairs, asleep. One kid on the couch, asleep. One puppy in the bathroom behind the toilet passed the fuck out. NO ONE touched that airplane.

Now, generally.. I would chalk this up to paranormal happenings. Those fucking ghosts AGAIN! I swore one more wacky ass thing went down and i’d be contacting professionals (who ya gonna call??)… but then I sat down to think about it.

My uterus was being more evil than it had ever been in my entire 28 years on this planet. My uterus has accomplished mystifying feats before (ie: pregnant with no sex while on period, being months late and deciding to start right AFTER I paid for the prescription to kick start it, etc)..
COULD it be possible for a uterus to be so evil, so powerful… that it becomes telekinetic?? A SUPERNATURAL UTERUS?!?!

Have you ever met my uterus? No? Well, consider yourself fucking LUCKY. Had you actually met this dark creation- you might also agree that deep within its evil confines it holds the secret of life and the location of the lost city of Atlantis. It also may or may not know whether there is actually gold in Fort Knox. And i’d be willing to bet money that it is plotting my demise with each menstrual cycle that passes.

I think next time Aunt Flo comes trudging her shitty shoes up to my door… i’m doing to drug my uterus into submission before I start blowing fuses and levitating and projectile vomiting pea soup.
It’s for the good of the world, people. The good of the WORLD. 

Posted on April 20, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 13 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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13 Comments

  • Poltergeist uterus. There are theories that raging hormones are the cause of poltergeist activity . . .

  • I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed so hard at a blog post in my life.

    You, madam, are a fucking genius. And, also TRUE DAT. to all of the above.

    Uteri are evil, powerful, and the ultimate source of all that will extinguish the world. They conspire against us.

  • All I can say is I fucking love everything that you write.

    Uteruses are Bitches.

  • i so love your blog’s they make me laugh when ive had a bad day and they are a delight to read thank you for being you! you are a treasure and i am lmao!

  • Fuh-knee shit right here definitely. My uterus is NOT evil @ all. I know when I’m getting my period and my mood doesn’t change at all.

  • This reminds me of a time when I was VERY pregnant and angry and heartburny and hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in God knows how long. It was about 2am and I was watching I love Lucy and my Tv kept turning off (my house is totally haunted too I swear). After about the 5th time it turned off I got up and seriously started cussing out that damn ghost! It still happens and I swear that stupid asshole is laughing at me every time….

  • rofl … Dickpunchies?! Ha! Love it!! Great blog tonight, still lmao!!

    I personally believe that all uteri have to ability to communicate with one another and therefore take trap more victims in thier evil plot to rule the world! I mean seriously think about it, if you were going to blow up a building or rob a bank, would you walk in the front door screaming or sneak in undetected through the back door? Evil I say!!

  • Oh my butt! I am in the middle of “shark week” as my demented best friend likes to refer to it and she postd this to my facebook wall. So flippin funny!

  • Our uterus must be sisters! Btw, it came 10 days early last month, and thought it would be cute and show up again almost 2 weeks early! WTF, FML, the world should be petrified!!!!

  • All the reasons you listed above, and a few more are why I had mine REMOVED. Along with it’s EVIL conspiritors- the OVERIES. Yup, all gone. GONE! I have THREE teenaged, male, spawnish things. Now when I get a BABY craving, I either borrow one, so I can give it BACK. That and I have 3 dogs and 2 cats! lol

    Love your blog!! AND your FB page. you are NOT alone in the INSANITY!! lol

  • *smiles ever so sweetly* I am going to find Rowdy Reign…

    I have kids and hubby. The moment I utter the words, “I need fried chicken” they all don their protective gear, hide the animals and pretend to have shit happening far and away from me. It has been this way since puberty started at the age of nine. The moment I say, “Damn, PMS!” I have fifty family members sending me huge boxes of chocolate, paying for alcohol and Midol and begging me to stay in my room.

    I once cussed out the Base Commander for not moving fast enough in line because I hadn’t had my daily ration of chicken, chocolate, DP and JD. He still emails me, btw.

    I understand.

  • I have struggled with angry evil uterus issues myself for years, only mine is in reverse of yours it seems, felt like I was dying in middle school now it comes on with no symptoms other that bleeding. Were I not medicated, it would be so much worse. I just love reading your stories, and since I’m not a mom I don’t share in all your pain but I do love the advice as it were.

  • I nearly peed my pants! Funny shit!I lost part of my uterus at age 24….cervical coning due to dysplasia and no laser treatment had been invented back in 1977…I never missed that bitch! Not even once! LMAO