On Saturday afternoon I did the unthinkable, something I swore I would NEVER do, not in a million years!!!
I brought home a puppy.
Why? I still can’t explain why. Mental break? Invasion of the body snatchers? Attempting to fill the constant nag that baby fever was causing?
Regardless of the reason, it happened- and the only person to blame is myself.
To be fair (to myself), I did grow up with dogs, and just to refresh my memory of everything that goes into having a new puppy, I did my fair share of Googling.
I was fully prepared for a terrorizing little shit to step through our doorway. Hell bent on chewing, eating, and puking up everything in sight; shitting in the corners, whining all night, making me regret not giving into baby fever by actually having a BABY instead (at least those things aren’t mobile for months). People most certainly wanted me to believe that was going to be the case… but as soon as our new puppy was placed on the floor of our home, I knew he was not your average dog.
Well, because he appears to be a clairvoyant, able to sense evil with a single wet sniff.
Every other dog or puppy the boys have been around did the typical “sniff, lick, knock your ass over” game (other than small yippy dogs, because they are tiny little douchebags). They just can’t get enough. Kids and puppies tend to go together like peas and carrots. They worship each other, take care of each other, play with each other, grow up with each other. While I wasn’t excited to find dog shit hardening on my carpet, I was really amped on watching the boys and little Pascal bond.
Instead, the boys sat down to play with him, and after a few seconds, the pup made a beeline for the couch. Not on top of the couch, but UNDER the couch. There was no face licking, no jumping and playing or knocking down. Just hiding. And lots of hiding.
All Pascal does is sleep. Or stare with a confused look on his face as to what is wrong with these two blond human children inhabiting his new home.
All day long I hear “mommy, where is Pascal?” and while the truth would be “hiding from you”, I don’t have the heart to tell my spawn that his puppy knows that under that incredibly cute exterior lurks evil, so I say “Sleeping. Let’s just leave him alone”
People love to say that cats are the smarter pets. They look down on humans while dogs look up to humans, but here’s what I think the real truth is: cats are assholes. They look down on everyone and everything. Dogs may be a little dopey and a hell of a lot more excitable, but there’s a reason companies and the military and people don’t use cats to sniff out bombs, or be service animals, or run into burning buildings. Dogs can sense things, feelings, danger… and the fact that they are living with rotten little children that as soon as mommy’s back is turned will yank on a tail, attempt to smother, or feed chocolate to.
OR… I could be looking at this completely wrong. Instead of my children being the evil ones, perhaps it is our new seemingly innocent ball of fluff. Perhaps he is just waiting until we get used to how lazy and quiet and docile he is… and then he’s going to lose his fucking mind and destroy the house.
|does this look like the face of evil to you?|
Nah, can’t be. Convincing me that my children are not in fact of the corn at this point is basically impossible.
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