If you’re familiar with old school video games, you know that before companies tried to complicate everything (and essentially force me to lose interest as I don’t have the time or patience to sit around and figure that shit out)- there was a common and well known pattern to pretty much every single game on the market.
There are levels which get progressively harder- but usually each time you beat one you get a new ability or a power or some kind of kick-ass thing you can use to your advantage. Most of these levels have a “boss” at the end that must be defeated before you move on- and of course- the last level has the hardest of all.
Maybe it makes me a super nerd, or maybe i’ve just lost my damn mind- but this reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Each new obnoxious little habit a kid develops is a boss we have to beat, and once we do- in the process we’ve learned some kind of new ability in order to keep this annoying habit away. That’s one way to make you feel like Super fucking Mario after eating a magic mushroom.
Beating the teething boss? Count me in. Potty training? Damn that shit was HARD but I can finally say I kicked its ass once and for all…
But the 4 year old attitude boss? Well, i’m not so sure about the power I have acquired in order to keep it at bay.
I don’t know if it came with age, frustration, or plum craziness- but it’s one of those mommy moments I swore i’d never have. You know the kind, the shit your parents pulled on you that you just found to be so old-fashioned parenting that it repulsed you to think that you could GASP, ever be the same way? Yeah.. that kind.
One day it was my regular old run-of-the-mill evil child discipline style, and suddenly, without my knowledge, the boss had been beaten and i’d acquired my next new power: Full name use.
It just slipped right out as if i’d been saying it for years.
In that moment, I heard my Dad’s voice come out of my mouth. I was never one of the kids who heard my full name and got more frightened because of it- but I did know that was the purpose of him using it- and I HATED it.
And now… me? Had I finally reached that level where there was nothing else to be done but use a kid’s full name in hopes to scare the bajeezus out of him? Or was I just getting fucking old?
Dear God, what has become of me??
Once I used my new stupor-power one time, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again- every time the ‘boss’ started acting like a diabolical genius, throwing goombahs at me and shit- it would come floating out of my mouth with ease. Each time striking fear straight into the heart of my child. Well… it was fear, or complete and utter confusion, which in turn caused him to break concentration on whatever bullshit he was trying to get away with at the time.
What’s next? Sending them to bed without dinner? Leading them by the ear to the bathroom to put a bar of soap in their filthy little mouths and make them bite down? Grounding them to their rooms with no hopes of seeing the outside world for a week?
I am terribly afraid of what the next level boss will be- as the god-awful-please-put-me-out-of-my-misery-RIGHTFUCKINGNOW 4’s were more than I thought I could handle, but I am ready for a brand new power to combat it with… because this whole lame-ass full-name deal is only serving to cause confusion;
“Mommy, why are you saying Milo?”
I don’t know, honey, really I don’t. But i’m positive i’ll have a reason for shoving soap in your mouth.
The fact that the wine section of Wal-Mart is directly next to the baby section cannot be an accident.
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