People tend to get butthurt over a lot of the things I say, jokes I make, tongue-in-cheek blogs I write. Some just don’t understand my sense of humor (or humor at all), and other people are just looking for someone to bitch at, about, to. Everyone’s gotta have a toilet to shit in, right?
One of the things that REALLY seems to set off the loonies the most is my comparisons. For people who think that children are the bees knees every waking hour of every skull-pounding day- me comparing a beautiful little bundle of crotch fruit to a wild animal is the equivalent of being the Antichrist. Hell, I even made it onto some “true confessions” website for being SUCH A HORRIBLE PARENT, DEAR GOD THOSE POOR CHILDREN for calling Holden Damien one time.
Can you imagine the HORROR, the DISGUST when I compare the future of our world to dogs?
I can just feel steam coming out of ears now.
Look, there’s a reason we’re all considered “animals”- right? And even closer on the genetic chart than that- we’re both mammals. So are the comparisons REALLY all that shocking?
Oh, but you don’t have a puppy- how would you know?? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU EVIL WOMAN?!
Oh, but I DO have a puppy, and let me tell you… it confirmed every last little joke I used to make about housebreaking toddlers.
Both of these creatures are birthed onto this planet in need of love and affection. Food, warmth, nourishment- Mommy.
They whine ALL night long.. and sometimes all damn day too.
|they even have matching
Don’t want them to randomly pee on the floor while you’re not looking? You have to train them.
You are responsible for what they eat and how healthy it is. Teach a dog tricks? Teach a kid to talk.
Want them not to stink like a rotting carcass? You have to bathe them.
The older they get- the more they drool, and the more random shit they manage to get into to drive you to the absolute brink of sanity.
They both require discipline and stability, consistency but also compassion.
They look up to you like you are the be all end all of the entire universe- and in a lot of ways, you are.
Look, I am fully aware that we are in fact different species- some might argue one is even more intelligent than the other in adulthood- but I bet others could make convincing arguments to the contrary. I’m also fully aware that there ARE difference between our two species.
Y’know.. like.. dogs are easier to potty train. And require a hell of a lot less attention for far fewer years. And humans can actually speak works… which i’m not so sure is a benefit instead of a detriment sometimes…
Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to, right??
My point really is- if you’re gonna get all butthurt, grannies in a twist, “OMFG SHE’S THE DEVIL!”– make it about something worthy of such displaced hatred… and not because I hit the nail on a head that might be slightly uncomfortable.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times