It’s not the 4-letter words that’ll get you

All these years of being a parent, the majority of folks out there have handed out the same advice. Maybe not always in the same exact words, or the phrasing was different, but the message was always the same: DON’T CURSE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS!

Do you want to be like the Osbournes?
Do you want your kids to disrespect you?
Do you REALLY want to get a call home from school with a pissed off teacher telling you that your kid has a dirty pirate hooker mouth?

And my answer to all of these questions was always the same: Well, DUH, No! Although.. I didn’t necessarily agree that stopping the 4-letter bombs in front of the kids was necessarily the right way to go about not producing potty-mouthed children.
I know for myself growing up, it was the non-use of curse words in my presence that made me the one having all the neighborhood kids chant “ASS-HOLE” at the tops of their lungs. Let me tell you how pleased the parents were with me that day.

Now- of course I DID cut back on my usage of any word that may be deemed inappropriate- constantly using strings of curse words in front of toddlers just didn’t seem like the classiest thing to be doing- but there are some things that just DESERVE a fuck.
Stubbing my toe? Definite FUCK
Spill a full beverage? – that one might get a SHIT
Piss on the floor? DAMNIT!!!

Old habits die hard. I’ve tried replacing these words with G rated ones. Oh FUDGE! SNAP! Dangit! But in the heat of the moment, that SNAP just doesn’t come rolling off of my tongue as easily. SHIT just has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

So yes, FOR SHAME, there has been plenty of curse word exposure. And while for the most part, I try to make it not such a huge deal with one goes flying- occasionally there is repeatage.
That one unfortunate incident where Holden told another kid he was “being a dick”? That was pretty embarrassing. The few “DAMNITS!” i’ve heard ring out in the house when a toy just wouldn’t manipulate the way he wanted? Those were slightly frustrating.
After drilling it into his head (aka, striking the fear of god into him)- now instead of letting these words slip, I might catch him about to let a word of the 4-letter variety slip, but stopping one letter in.

“WHAT was that you were about to say??”
“….. nothing…”

Well played, sir. Well played.

But it would seem that in all of my work to raise a proper and polite child (snort), there are a few things I overlooked.
All this time spent concentrating on keeping my mouth cleaner, and in turn Holden from calling another kid a DICK again… and I forgot about words that may not, to the general public, be as taboo (or taboo at all) to be spoken by anyone under the age of 18 ( or 16?? when the fuck IS it considered acceptable to curse??)- but when spoken with the right gusto, the right amount of childhood… dickheadedness… can be WORSE than any curse word or variation you could dream up in your filthy little mind.
Who would have thought- it’s not the words consisting of four letters that are the banes of my existence- it’s the ones with THREE.

Now, plug your ears and turn your eyes away kiddies- because i’m about to offend you the way my 4.5 year old offends me.
With a good old fashioned DUH!

Yes, my penchant for keeping my vernacular straight out of the early 90s has come back to haunt me- because now I have a small child who corrects everything idiot I might say with “DUH!”
It is the single most infuriating word known to man. It’s a Bart Simpson word, and everyone knows Bart Simpson is a fucking prick. It doesn’t make other random passerbys laugh like it would if they heard this tiny little blond headed child yell “OH SHIT!” in the middle of a crowded grocery store- instead you get those ‘down the nose’ kinds of looks, like “ugh, what a BRAT”
Not that i’d be able to argue that point, because it really IS a bratty thing to say.

That combined with my cutesy teasing of his gigantic rear end as a “FAT tushie” coming back to haunt me in not-so-nice ways (and not directed at me, which actually makes it worse) and picking up on the main scolding word for the new puppy “BAD”- and i’m in 3-letter hell.

Was there ever a day where you actually said aloud “I’d rather my kid be dropping F-bombs and calling people dicks than this!” ???
Today is that day for me.

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Don’t worry, even if you didn’t teach them “duh” some little darling at school would have. Snark Girl and OCDiva both learned it at school, I loathe it. I usually pretend it is the first syllable of a word and make them tell me what word they were trying to say. It’s fun for me.

  • And nothing beats when you pick your 13 year old up from school and say something to him about sitting in the office for over an hour waiting on you – when he wasn’t supposed to be – and he says “I already got my chair turned over today…now I have to put up with your crap too?”…he’s lucky it was his step-dad he said that to and not me…the sd is waaaay nicer than I would have been. We would still be picking up teeth from the front seat! Of course, we’d also be dealing with Child Services then too..so probably better it was dad!

  • Oohhhh school- how I dread thee!

  • @Stacey: I think I can wait for 8 years until my son says something like that to me.


    The other day in the car my son said…actually he exclaimed.. “HOLY Crrrrrrr.”
    And then he stopped and with this smug little smile and sweet voice says, “what is it you say? CRAP?”
    I: 1) wanted to laugh. 2) wanted to cry 3) wanted to die with my dad right next to me in the car.

    With that said my answer was, “Yes it is, and it’s not something you say.”
    “Because that’s not the CRAP you should say.” *smacks forehead* “Honey, just don’t say it.”
    “okkkkkaaayyy mama.”

    So, I understand.
    I hate my potty mouth… but sometimes it is F’in NECESSARY!

  • yeah…school not so much fun LOL…and next year I’ll have one in High, one in Middle, and one in Elementary…yikes!

    My favorite was when we were driving down the interstate and my husband with his real bad road rage said “stupid f***ing drivers”…and the then 3 year old popped up and said “yeah…stupid motherf***ing drivers”…I could blame dad for that one!

  • Last night, my oldest (just turned 4) decided to bite my arm. Out of nowhere. I was unprepared. I yelled “WHAT THE…” and my just-turned-two year old looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said so quietly “fuck?” *smh* I TRY to keep my potty mouth in check around the girlies, but sometimes… And Dad? Dad plays video games. Not so much a mouth-watcher… Ugh.

  • We were at CHURCH on CHRISTMAS MORNING just before Little Prince turned 3 when the minister crouched down to ask LP if he’d learned any new words. Little Prince kindly responded with a loud F*** down the microphone followed by a non-amplified “but I’m not allowed to say that” I actually thought I’d be Smote Down for that one but apparently the big dude has a sense of humour lol