In reality, I don’t know that there is any particular time where it’s actually “baby season”- and more women on earth are with child than any other time- preggos are out all the damn time. Every where you look there’s a bump in some random size or shape, or some chick’s water breaking in the middle of a busy shopping center (not so much on the second part, but movies sure would have you think so)…. but there are times where it most certainly seems like EVERYONE you know, and everyone around you is growing a human- except for you that is.
There is a pattern to when these times occur, a pattern that should be noted and spoken about in hushed reverent tones for those of us trying to stay AWAY from the fertilized water.
|yeah.. because we all look
like this during pregnancy.
Right before Aunt Flo makes her dreaded monthly visit, hormones are at an all time high- suddenly you see teeny tiny babies everywhere and pregnant women who look like they walked straight out of the posters in the maternity sections of stores, and you are reduced to a sappy sentimental puddle.
All those memories of screaming snotty brats with poop filled diapers are suddenly erased and you begin to think “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
We are saved by the fact that PMS only lasts for a week, and once our literal bottom falls out, we begin cursing everything again. I guess periods are good for something after all.
Even worse than that, even more evil and stronger than an achy uterus is the moment you look at your child or children, and all you can notice is how big they’ve gotten. They’re feeding themselves, dressing themselves, maybe they’re about to go off to school and leave you… all by your lonesome... They just don’t need you as much as they used to and it hits you- your baby isn’t a baby anymore.
Even if the infant stage was absolutely dreadful, that never comes up once you realize there is no longer a baby in your house, and you MISS IT. You miss the coos and the smiles and the firsts and the tiny little clothes with the annoying little buttons, and how you could dress them as cutesy as you wanted and people didn’t give you strange looks. Never mind the fact that you were up all night every night and on the verge of complete and utter insanity, or how many times you had to change per day because you got drenched in vomit, and it got to the point to where you gave up and would wear it like a badge. Never mind the projectile shits or the baby weight that took forever to come off (if it even did)- you miss having a baby and the idea of having another doesn’t seem so repulsive.
Baby fever is a bitch. It’s a mac truck straight to the face. Babies are only cute so that we will continue to have them, and once you find yourself in a compromising position, whether it be hormonal imbalance or realization of non-babyage- those little shits give you the Care-Bear Stare and you find it nearly impossible to resist. Those of us who are lucky snap out of it before it’s too late, but many have been lost, as the force is just too strong.
Lucky lucky me- i’m currently being hit with a double-whammy. Not only am I feeling more hormonal than usual with the impending explosion of my uterus, but 95% of the people in my life right now are either pregnant or just had new babies. BABY EVERYWHERE! Baby at every turn!
I consider myself strong against the power of Baby Fever, although I do marvel at its strength, but even this has been hard for me. Little smushy babies everywhere and my biggest baby about to go off to school while even my youngest spends most of his days shouting “NO!” at me instead of just being an adorable little ball of flesh.
Awww.. wouldn’t it be nice to… NO! NO IT WOULD NOT!
It’s a damn good thing we’re bringing home a puppy this weekend or I might turn to the husband and say the 4 words i’m sure he NEVER wants to hear:
“Let’s have another baby”
Even typing that feels absolutely ridiculous. I think the fever has broken. Thank goodness.
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
ALL the Movies Revealed at Disney’s D23 Expo! goo.gl/fb/Bdr8vT