Another edition of: How did they FIND me??

In the past, I have had much amusement at the expense of the people who mistakenly arrive on this here blog by punching some random and/or fucking WEIRD ass words into an internet search engine (read here and here). I’ve been called mean for this- but c’mon, i’m not hating! I’m LOVING… loving to laugh. If people can laugh at me, I can laugh back at them, right?

So yes, it is that time once again. Time to share with you the underbelly of the internet- why people erase their damn cookies and clean out their computer’s insides with bleach so that there is no trace they ever went to google and *GASP* typed THAT in.

But cleaning out your cookies doesn’t get you off scott free if you’ve happened upon my website- and thank the sweet baby jesus for that! I’m not quite sure how i’d kill time (and braincells after I begin laughing so hard that I can’t breathe) without my analytics. It’s like crack.
You get your jollies by searching for clown porn, and i’ll get my jollies by laughing at your search for clown porn. Deal?

It’s a given that the top searches leading to me actually DO have to do with me, such as “holdin holden” and “holding holden” but it’s those ones buried deep in the bowels of my analytics that prove to be the gems of the bunch. The ones you know someone pounded into their keyboard with gusto, clicked that blue hyperlink that brought them to me and then cursed out their screen once they realized they’d been double crossed.

“Housewife fantasies”
 ohhh you dirty girls you, all SEVEN of you! Or.. are you dudes wondering what housewives like? Or do you just think housewives are hot? Or are you wondering if we really are the desperate sex hounds that pornos portray us to be?
Well, i’ll tell you what MY fantasy is- since obviously you’re wondering: a clean house, NOT FUCKING CLEANED BY ME! OHHHH YEAH! did that turn you on? No? Ah well, haters gonna hate.

“public pooping stalls”
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! There are stalls… JUST FOR POOPING?? WHERE? I have the distinct urge to blow one of these up with all my poopy might; Don’t you tease me!

“brother sat on my face”
 there are two ways I could go with this… And I don’t want to. What in the flying fuck?

“chubby cheeks” “chipmunk” “slut”-
So you’re looking for the estranged whore sister of Chip & Dale? Sometimes I understand why random terms MIGHT lead to me- but THIS? REALLY GOOGLE?

“magnesium citrate” fart-
Ok so last time, you punched in that you drank magnesium sulfate and it made you fart- and now you’re searching for the farts you lost? STOP DRINKING MAGNESIUM CITRATE!!! 

“all you can listen to is the wiggles, gabba gabba but i dont want to listen to that bullshit”-
PREACH IT!!!!!!!!

“a bomb goes off… boommm a person few meters away survive…how can that be”-
y’know, i’m not totally sure on this one- but I think SOME people may refer to that as a miracle..

“can a vagina squeeze a penis”-
Seriously? You’ve never heard of kegels? For shame.

“emeril naked”
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE THAT? YAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! There is not nor will there EVER be a naked picture of Emeril on this damn blog!

“exhausted from sex”
you’re doing it right.

“how to perform the zoobie doo dance for your husband”-
How to perform the WHAT? I refuse to google whatever the fuck it is you’re talking about because then I’LL end up on someone’s list of ridiculous fucking search terms. Who the hell ever named a dance “zoobie doo” anyways?

“I don’t wipe my ass”-
Let me guess… single?

“Things that can come out of a vagina”-
things? Like.. what kind of things? I mean, I happen to have TWO things that came out of my vagina that I plan on keeping as long as they aren’t complete assholes..Is that the kind of thing you’re searching for? Do I even want to know?

“where the fuck are you?”-
I’m right the fuck here.

“zombie apocalypse funny pictures when dumb bitches die”-
You hear that Lori??? SOON. 

“woman poop sex tube”-
I tried to form a response to this.. but all that came out was dry heaves. 
Have fun with that??

As long as there has been and will be the internet- there will be weirdos, freaks, and confused people attempting to find answers. And as long as they find me- I will amuse myself with them. We must embrace the weirdos- obviously they have no one else!

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
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