In the past, I have had much amusement at the expense of the people who mistakenly arrive on this here blog by punching some random and/or fucking WEIRD ass words into an internet search engine (read here and here). I’ve been called mean for this- but c’mon, i’m not hating! I’m LOVING… loving to laugh. If people can laugh at me, I can laugh back at them, right?
So yes, it is that time once again. Time to share with you the underbelly of the internet- why people erase their damn cookies and clean out their computer’s insides with bleach so that there is no trace they ever went to google and *GASP* typed THAT in.
But cleaning out your cookies doesn’t get you off scott free if you’ve happened upon my website- and thank the sweet baby jesus for that! I’m not quite sure how i’d kill time (and braincells after I begin laughing so hard that I can’t breathe) without my analytics. It’s like crack.
You get your jollies by searching for clown porn, and i’ll get my jollies by laughing at your search for clown porn. Deal?
It’s a given that the top searches leading to me actually DO have to do with me, such as “holdin holden” and “holding holden” but it’s those ones buried deep in the bowels of my analytics that prove to be the gems of the bunch. The ones you know someone pounded into their keyboard with gusto, clicked that blue hyperlink that brought them to me and then cursed out their screen once they realized they’d been double crossed.
ohhh you dirty girls you, all SEVEN of you! Or.. are you dudes wondering what housewives like? Or do you just think housewives are hot? Or are you wondering if we really are the desperate sex hounds that pornos portray us to be?
Well, i’ll tell you what MY fantasy is- since obviously you’re wondering: a clean house, NOT FUCKING CLEANED BY ME! OHHHH YEAH! did that turn you on? No? Ah well, haters gonna hate.
“public pooping stalls”–
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! There are stalls… JUST FOR POOPING?? WHERE? I have the distinct urge to blow one of these up with all my poopy might; Don’t you tease me!
“brother sat on my face”–
there are two ways I could go with this… And I don’t want to. What in the flying fuck?
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.