Never have and never will I claim to be the parenting guru, the one who understands anything and everything about kids. What the fuck they want, why they’re crying, how to stop this behavior or the ‘correct’ way to potty train. Why? Because those of us with half a brain realize that not all kids are the same, and even our own kids like to change their damn minds as quickly as a baby needs a change of diaper.
Due to this knowledge, I have become accustomed and used to never being able to fully understand why my kids do the stupid shit they do.
Yes, I understand they are children- and as long as there are children on this earth there will be children doing stupid and nonsensical bullshit because it’s in their nature/they just don’t know better/the majority of children under 8 are sociopaths- but sometimes, we parents just deal with so much shit on a regular basis that some of these things we know are bound to happen still piss us the fuck off.
My daily battle is the battle of “Well, I told you not to do that!”
And if you have booger jockeys residing in your home, you know exactly what i’m referring to.
There’s a first time for everything, and after the first time your spawn does something in which the result is them getting hurt, you tell them in no uncertain terms NOT to do it again. Just don’t do it! It’s common fucking sense! If something HURTS you, you should probably just avoid it, for the good of everyone but namely yourself.
Logic is lost on small children (and whores, and a lot of men)- so of course- sooner rather than later, they do it again, and end up hurt and crying like it’s the end of the damn world again.
That’s when your response goes from “don’t do that!” to “I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!” and that is where, for this house anyways, we hit a brick wall, because no matter how many times they do it and get hurt, and no matter how many times you specifically instruct them NOT TO- they will continue to do so, and continue to come to you crying and expecting to be coddled.
WELL- I told you NOT to fucking do it. I didn’t say it for my own damn health, and I didn’t say it too keep you from having fun- I told you not to after the LAST time you got hurt and had a spaz attack over it.
Sorry, but I just can’t feel bad for you. First time maybe, second time? Ehhhh possible. Third fourth and fifth? Let your snot bubbles give you a hug because it’s not going to be me!
Does that make me a mean mommy? Quite possibly, but if I break down and snuggle them after they’ve done something really fucking stupid that i’ve beat the dead horse over telling them NOT to- isn’t that just being an enabler? Well, mama isn’t going to be an enabler of the whine. It’s bad enough without encouraging it.
Let’s be real though, my heart is not made of stone. As strong as we try to be sometimes the boo-hooing, sobbing, snot bubbling, and face melting screams are too much for us to ignore- even if it is a “I told you not to do that!” reaction.
So, we give in and kiss the fucking booboo. Suddenly, the sobbing stops, the tears dry up an they’re completely better, only to go off to do that shit again.
We all know mommy kisses don’t REALLY have magical healing properties- kids are just a bunch of fucking fakers. And this is why we shouldn’t be nice to them after they’ve disobeyed, damnit.
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.