In order to be able to afford going to Disney this year, we had to make some cuts of things we enjoyed last time, luxuries, that we wouldn’t be able to swing if we actually wanted to be able to do things like eat and survive while in the theme parks.
We couldn’t stay at the SUPER nice resort, which was fine, because how much time do you really spend in the room anyways?
And, bom bom BOOMMMM- we couldn’t fly. That lovely (and ridiculously short) straight 2 hour flight right on into Orlando where the Disney bus would collect our baggage for us and take us to our resort straight from the airport? Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.
The reality of having to drive 13 hours with two small kids who had to be strapped into carseats very quickly set in.
OUR kids? Can they handle that? They usually can’t even spent 13 MINUTES in a car without getting into some kind of epic screaming/slap battle that would rival the war scenes in Braveheart- 13 HOURS? They might kill each other. Or us. Or cause us to kill each other.
I had a flashback to our road trip to Washington DC (well really it was a work trip for Thomas that I refused to be left at home with the brats for) and had a full body shudder. It was not a pleasant trip.
That’s when we had the GENIUS idea (and that may be sarcasm there) to drive overnight while the kids were sleeping so we didn’t encounter the same bitchery and fighting as we had the time before.
13 hours overnight with a bad neck and back and strict instructions not to drive while zapping myself into happy-land? Yes, as I said, GENIUS!
Do I really need to go into detail to tell you just how much it fucking SUCKED? The kids didn’t sleep for the first few hours, but decided to whine instead, and once they DID nod off- woke up at every stop, insisting on peeing in some scary gas stations in who the hell knows what state; I wanted to tear out my neck, couldn’t get comfortable or zap myself into any kind of oblivion as I was hoping and couldn’t even manage to doze for more than 2 minutes without doing that painful (and hideous) neck-snapping-up motion… and then my left asscheck fell asleep. People drive like fucking idiots on SAINT PATRICK’S DAY NIGHT (yeah, we hadn’t factored in that little gem)- and by about hour 6 I was completely delusional.
Yes, it was fun times y’all.. SO MUCH FUN. I had thoughts of jumping out of the window, turning back, getting what would likely be an incredibly overpriced hotel room just for a few hours knocked the fuck out in a horizontal position instead of attempting to find the best way to smash my face against the car window, strangling mickey mouse until his giant head went flying off.
It’s amazing the things we will go through for our children (and not just me, Thomas too, who drove the entire way, straight through the night, BOTH times).
Once we actually got TO Disney, my entire mood changed. Being released from that death cabin probably had something to do with it- but I was fully rejuvenated and ready to go. The air in Disney World must be laced with crack because I had more energy there than I EVER have at home, and while my back still made me want to kick people in the shins, the level of stabby had decreased exponentially.
As the days wore on, and we got closer to departure, we realized we were going to have to relive that horrendous drive once again- only the way home ALWAYS feels longer and more torturous.
We joked about saying “fuck it all!” and just buying land in Florida and NEVER going back, just to avoid the drive… but unfortunately, the deed had to be done. Only millionaires can up and buy new digs in another state.. but millionaires could also afford to fly wherever they go- so there’s that.
For some god awful reason, we decided to leave a little earlier than on the trip down… I guess because we thought if we got home “earlier” we’d actually be able to collapse and get some sleep before the sun came up.
Since we’d exhausted the kids at Disney for the day, they passed out right after dinner (which was only an hour outside of orlando since Friday night traffic is a WHORE, another thing we didn’t take into account).
And that’s when the rain started… and it followed us for the ENTIRE drive. So damn heavy that at points we couldn’t see 10 feet in front of us. So hard that we pulled over in an attempt to get a hotel room, but EVERY SINGLE ONE WAS BOOKED. Yeah, even the scary one that looked straight out of a horror flick where no one makes it out alive.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know where i’m going with this. I think i’m still delusional from the hours stuffed in that car with electrocution going through my back. I’m not sure i’ll ever recover. I remember car rides where I would just hang out in the back, lay down, read (and attempt not to puke because reading in cars made me nauseous), sleep, play games, do crosswords…
What happened to those days?
Ah yeah, SAFETY regulations. Damn that damn safety!
I suppose a torturous overnight drive beats the awake hours that would contain endless rounds of “ARE WE THERE YET?” or “THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS”
And a couple hundred for gas is better than around a THOUSAND to fly…
…. but i’d still rather fly.
Can I win the lottery now? Or become besties with Richard Branson? Or invent teleportation?
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
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