My child, the undercover diabolical genius

The moment we become parents (or perhaps even before) we are acutely aware of what medical professionals and those already with ankle-biters refer to as “milestones”- those annoying little things that we’re told our precious bundle of crotch fruit is SUPPOSED to be doing, and if they don’t we get paranoid as if that tuna sandwich we ate during pregnancy ruined them for life.

Baby’s first word, baby’s first step, when they start to recognize shapes and colors or begin to read. Their first day of school, maybe their first gold star or A+, and of course as they get older, their first sleep over, first date, first job.
All these firsts, all these things we’re told they SHOULD do by a certain age, but a lot of times it’s just not the case.
And with the good, always, comes the bad. The things you’re told your golden PERFECT can-do-no-wrong child will probably do.
Potty training, accidents, and the possibility that they will attempt to hide these accidents from you. The first tantrum, back-sass, and four letter word usage. Their first lie, time out, call from the principal, note so nice letter home from the teacher… maybe even a first fight. NONE of those things do we look forward to, and while as rational human beings we understand that the possibility of each of them happening is high (or at least moderate), we still hope, pray, knock on wood and throw salt over our shoulders that it will NEVER happen with our kids.
Or at least, I do. And i’d been patting myself on the back for a while because it had seemed that while other parents of brats the same age were being manipulated by their own spawn, I had avoided it! Or maybe Holden just wasn’t sneaky enough to attempt to even try to trick me into getting something he wanted.

“Mommy, I love you.. you’re the best mommy EVER! You are SO pretty! I love you so much more than Daddy…. can I have some candy?”
Nope. Never happened to me. Not even once! I always just assumed that Holden knew that shit wasn’t gonna fly with me, I couldn’t be twisted around his finger. Mean ol’ Mommy, there’s no point in flattering her!

I think the reality is that he was just waiting until I least expected it, for the BIGGEST thing he could possibly ask for so that there would be a higher chance that I would be so socked that I would be unable to refuse him.
That time came today.

Somehow.. I don’t fucking know HOW, but somehow I decided that we would get a puppy (or a dog at least). I’m confused as to how I talked myself into it, but it’s reality. We’re getting a damn dog. It’s about time we got a pet in this house other than that demonic angel fish that killed every other fish with its piss and REFUSES TO DIE… but I digress..

The catch to this situation is that we can’t get one until we get back from Disney. It wouldn’t be right to bring a little dude or dudette home and then force someone else to care for it for a week or stick it in a kennel. The boys STILL do not know about Disney, therefore, they do NOT understand why we haven’t gotten a dog yet. They ask constantly. We look constantly because we want the boys to be USED to a dog before bringing one home (they have only ever been around them for minutes at a time).

Today we played with a 9 month old German Shepherd. Sweetest guy you could ever hope to meet. Holden instantly fell in LOVE. He wanted the dog, he even got to name the damn thing…

which has been a constant “fight” between us, what would we name the dog we eventually brought home? He decided on STARRY. Uhhhhhhvomitworstnmeevernowayinhell, that’s not gonna happen. I, of course, wanted to name any new pet Pascal- because i’m we’re all hopelessly obsessed with Tangled. Holden adamantly REFUSED this name. He was aware how badly I wanted to name a creature Pascal an would yell that he would “NEVER NAME A DOG PASCAL EVER!”

Until that very moment. With that 9 month old puppy he wanted.
We were sitting in a large enclosed area with a shelter employee, and Holden announces
“Mommy, I want to name this doggy Pascal, just like you wanted! Can we take him home now?”

KICK TO THE GUT! I could tell by the look on his face that he KNEW I couldn’t say no… and if it weren’t for that damn giant rat we’re going to see, I would have fallen right into his trap and we would have gone home with that damn dog.

Holden, the master manipulator- who the hell would have thought?! Not me, that’s for sure!!
I am not sure whether to be proud of his diabolical genius, or terrified for my future.

We can only pray that he uses his powers for good and not evil.

Posted on March 4, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Be afraid. Be very afraid. I have two diabolical geniuses and two more that will be with a little more age on them. I do not doubt, even one iota, that if my kids would work together, they could take over a moderately sized third world country between breakfast and lunch.

  • ohh lord… yes, i’m with NASAIL!! they only get more diabolical with age, i’m afraid. i have 2 that work together already, and they are often an unstoppable force. my only hopes is that their little sister will not follow in their footsteps o.O