This is not your typical “frequently asked questions” blog. This really has nothing to do with me at all. I’m not that fucking important!
No, you see, the frequently asked questions the title of the blog alludes to is really referring to the questions we have all asked every now and then. Things that we parents just can’t wrap our tired minds around, even on the RARE fucking occasion that we get a full night of uninterrupted sleep- the shit still doesn’t make sense. And these are questions that I see, all the time, because of my Facebook page.
Do I know the answers? Hell no I don’t, because i’m a typical damn parent who asks the same fucking things as you- but I figure if they are posed to me enough times I should at least be courteous enough to give SOME kind of answer. Hey, fuck off, I can be courteous.
1. Where the fuck are Max & Ruby’s parents?
I put this as #1 on the list because i’ve never been asked another question in my life MORE other than “are you done having kids?” Everyone wants to know why the hell these two asshole bunnies are allowed to run around their house, one being a bossy little cunt and the other a destructive fuckface with no parental supervision other than the occasional appearance of a grandmother.
It’s simple: their parents RAN AWAY. Wouldn’t you?!
2. When are you going to have more children? Are you done? Are you not? What’s the status of your uterus? Are you pregnant?
Holy mother of fuck with the 3rd degree! And we ALL GET IT. WHY?! Why do you care?! Leave our uteri alone! Not every joke we make about periods or cramping or nausea means we’ve gone and gotten ourselves knocked up again! Just because we have one or two or three doesn’t automatically mean we’re destined to have more immediately or ANY time in the future. Take your picket signs and get the hell away from our nethers.
3. Why does someone die in every Disney movie? Why is one parent usually missing? Where the fuck is Andy’s dad??
People love to rationalize this as saying it’s teaching children about death early so it isn’t so scary, or that the statistics show a lot of single parents so movies are reflective of that or some other kind of kid-gloved rationalization… but personally I think it’s because Disney, even from beyond the grave, is an asshole who wants to see us cry. If “Up” isn’t a good indicator of that, I don’t know what is.
4. Why does Donald put on a towel around his bottom half when he gets out of the shower when he DOESN’T WEAR PANTS?
Because he’s a pervert. And because it’s a cartoon that clearly wasn’t well thought out. I mean, Goofy is a dog and he can talk but he’s a fucking idiot, but Pluto can’t and he isn’t? Yeah, really logical, that one.
5. Is stepping on a lego REALLY more painful than childbirth?
HELL FUCKING NO IT ISN’T! There is NOTHING more painful than childbirth- but that shit DOES hurt so badly that the only thing comparable in amount is tearing your poor vagina in half in order to bring new life to this earth.
Honorable mention goes to an upturned Matchbox Car. Try it… not.
6. Is DJ Lance on some kind of hallucinogenic drug?
Wouldn’t you be if you had to dance with a giant orange studded dildo?
I guess some would think that as parents, we would be pondering the meaning of life, or concentrating on getting our kids into some fancy shmancy private school or attempting to potty train straight out of the womb- but clearly there are more pertinent issues to discuss here.
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.
10 Ways Childhood is WAY BETTER than Adulthood goo.gl/fb/j0vnoQ