Over time of watching my children in various situations of stress, fear, and downright panic, I have begin to notice a trend.
It began with Holden… he IS the oldest, I don’t know why I felt the need to say it began with him, kind of a no brainer don’t you think? Regardless, we were at Busch Gardens over the summer and there is a ride there he had JUST grown tall enough to ride.
To put it into a few words.. it’s basically a scary haunted-mansion type ride, only more rough (he didn’t know that last part of course). Once Holden gets big enough to ride anything, he INSISTS on riding it. He even insists on riding things he is far too short for. He just wants to do everything NOW. Typical child, typical man, or both?
|a typical potty dance look|
Well, it may have been against my better judgment, knowing what a chicken shit he tended to be, but I am a massive thrill seeker and it had been FOREVER since i’d been on anything more intense than some fucking teacups, so I took him into the ride line. Twenty minutes later and we get all the way up into the queue lines as you’re about to board, and the brat drops a bomb on me “I have to doodoo”
Instantly, I smell bullshit (and I mean figuratively). He waits until NOW, when we’ve been in line this entire time, when we are JUST about to board, to tell me he has to take a shit? Oohhhh no, I don’t fucking think so. The kid didn’t suddenly, in 20 minutes time, develop a case of IBS.
In no uncertain terms I tell him that I don’t buy his shit and if he really does have to go, the quickest way to get to the can is to ride the ride and take the exit on the other side (fact) instead of walking all the way back down the entrance. He argues, but i’m not fucking around.
I don’t think I need to describe to you in detail just how much fun sitting next to a kid on a ride is that repeatedly whines “I NEED TO GO DOODOO!”
Sometimes, you just have to look at a kid and tell him to shit his pants. There’s just no other way to get the point across that there are only two options: HOLD IT like someone who is potty trained, or crap yourself in public.
Wait, there’s a third option: DON’T LIE
‘Cause wouldn’t you know it- I rushed his panicked ass to the bathroom immediately upon the ride’s end (and thank the fucking STARS for that) and nothing came out.
Angry does not even begin to describe it- i’m sure the family that got stuck in the cart with us felt the same way.
That was just the beginning. From then on out, every time Holden got scared of something or didn’t want to do something, he’d say “I need to go doodoo”
I told you something smelled like shit.
Only it didn’t stop there. Monkey See Monkey Do complex kicked in, and Parker decided to jump on the bandwagon. This has made our Disney trip a serious bitch.
As soon as we get into an attraction, after waiting out a line, or waiting for a show to start- we get about 5 minutes in and suddenly Parker announces he needs to pee. EVERY time. Even if we force him to empty his bladder before getting in line- even if we know he DOESN’T have to go, he insists on going. He CRIES until you take him, and then instead of this giant expulsion of urine you’d expect from someone whining to go so badly- two drips. It’s forced Thomas to miss a lot of attractions.
It tends to come down to the root of all parenting: to give in or not to give in. You are 99% positive they’re lying through their tiny baby teeth, but if they aren’t- IF- you will end up covered in piss or shit in public, and then what will you do?
You’ll be shit (or piss) out of luck. Never a good place to be, especially in the middle of a crowded theme park surrounded by ridiculously expensive clothing.
Person on tv: Age is just a number! 10yo: Yeah, a number that pulls you closer to death.
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