As I trudge along in this weird thing we call life, I, and I would assume other people, find ways to make it just a tiny bit easier. We make up sayings or acronyms or weird little rhymes to remember addresses or answers to math problems. We memorize shortcuts and plug in phone numbers to our cell phones instead of memorizing them. Any way we can find to get from A to B with less bullshit in between, we will do it. And for good reason. Work smarter, not harder.
It’s absolutely no different when it comes to parenting. That shit is hard enough and when we find “shortcuts” it’s not just welcomed it is like finding the holy fucking grail. Nothing on this earth makes us happier. So little Timmy doesn’t like an airplane noise, but instead wants me to honk like a goose? FUCK YEAH I’LL HONK LIKE A GOOSE IF IT WILL MAKE HIM EAT!
Yes, it’s that serious.
It’s the little things, y’all- take what you can get!
Obviously, though, as kids grow (those sneaky little fuckers!) the methods we apply to make our days less irritating no longer work and we have to come up with new ones. Clearly, you can’t be spoon feeding a 4 year old and making honking noises. Well, I mean, I guess you could, but that would be really fucking stupid.
One of my most trusted and most used devices which comes in handy for just about everything, is spelling words out. It’s an age old parenting trick- why? Because you can say whatever the fuck you want if your kids are young enough to where they can’t read.
Need to talk about where or what to eat for lunch but don’t want the picky little shits giving not so subtle suggestions? Spell it out.
Trying to figure out if one of them needs to empty their tiny leaky little bladder but don’t want to suggest it, because to suggest it would automatically mean having to take them? Spell it.
Feel like cursing but don’t feel like hearing it repeated back to you in a chipmunk like voice? Just f-u-c-k-i-n-g spell it.
It just works. And it works well. Until that fateful day where your child starts sounding words out. And once they start it’s all downhill from there. They must.read.everything. And I DO mean everything. Signs, clocks, commercials, books, junk mail, and all those things you’ve been spelling out loud because they couldn’t read. Only now they can, or they’re trying to anyways. And the more they try the closer they get- meaning your days of spelling out a good old fashioned F-U-C-K are numbered, because as funny as it is the first time it’s not so funny to have a kid running around in public shouting “F U C K SPELLS FFFFFUCK! MOMMY IS TEACHING ME TO READ!” at the top of their lungs (and we all know a child’s lungs are far bigger than anything else they posses) .
So what in the F-U-C-K (what? old habits die hard around here) do we do now?
I’ve had suggestions to start spelling words backwards, but let’s be honest here folks- I do not have the time, patience, or brain power to start spelling words backwards that I already have to think about before I spell them FORWARDS.
Pig Latin? Uck-Fay? Let’s go at-ey at aco-Tay ell-Bay. That’s just f-u-c-k-i-n-g silly. Learn a new language? I banned that bitch Dora so I don’t have to worry about the kids knowing spanish just yet- but once again, this is about making my life easier, not harder!
How’s about we just clean up our mouths and start being honest with the kids?
No, I did not type that with a straight face.
I don’t have the answer tied up neatly to put into a nice little box, i’m not sure there even is one- which is how life often ends up when you have kids who do things like learn- but I imagine i’ll figure out some way to work around it… or i’ll just have seriously foul-mouthed know it all children who decide what I eat, where I go, and spend 75% of their days in a bathroom.
Hm. Perhaps they’ll be just like me when they get older after all.
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