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You can call me crazy- I blame the giant rat.

It’s official. I have stepped over that line from slightly neurotic to completely insane.

What, you may ask, was the final straw to break the camel’s back? (and what the fuck does that mean anyways? since when does a camel have straw on their back??)

Disney.

Not the channel; not even specifically the amount of new gray hairs I may have from screaming at the TV when Donald is a rat bastard or Goofy teaches my kids nonsensical words that they insist on repeating for hours, days, or weeks on end.

By Disney I mean Disneyworld.

We made it official last week by paying off the remainder of our balance- we are going. Again.

Why, you may be asking, does this make me crazy?

It’s not having two kids in a theme park- we did that once a week over the summer being about 10 minutes away from Busch Gardens.
It’s not the crowds or the price (ok maybe a little bit the price) or the heat….

The reason I am crazy is because we decided, this time, to drive.

We are driving to Disneyworld. 13 fantastical hours away. With two small children both under the age of 5.

WHY?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD WE DO THIS??? DO WE HAVE A DEATH WISH?!

Let’s get real here. Disney ain’t cheap, and flying is even WORSE on the finances. The price of plane tickets for 4 seats (since while Disney does not consider Parker a human yet, airlines do and therefore charge full price for him) nearly made me shit my pants. Even on the cheapo airline. Even with a gazillion layovers. It just wasn’t plausible for us.

Instead we had to make a sacrifice. And that sacrifice is our sanity.

On our last venture to Disney, we flew. I can’t say it was an AMAZING experience, but the hell was over relatively quickly (at least on the way there… the way back, can we say delay, layover, delay delay delay, midnight delay delay). Situations with small children in small spaces are best when not drawn out to maddening lengths.

Just thinking about a 13 hour car ride (and that is just an estimation!) with two children STRAPPED into seats in the back of a small SUV… nearly made me want to cancel the trip completely.
Thomas and I have actually been avoiding even discussing it. It’s a “don’t go there” topic at this point. We know, at some point, it’s going to HAVE to happen… but we are choosing to avoid it until it has become pertinent.
Kind of like the idea of shoving an 8 pound child through a tiny little hole. Why think about ripping your vagina apart until you actually have to do it?! What’s the point in stressing?!

Did I just compare a long car ride to vaginal birth?
Why yes, yes I did.

After 20 minutes… SHIT, after 10 minutes strapped into their seats, my kids seem to think the back of the car is the fucking Thunderdome.
TWO MAN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE!


Screaming, slap fighting, whining, arguing. I want what you have but you won’t give it to me! You can’t have what I have it’s MINE! NO I WON’T SHARE! I WANT TO GET UP! ARE WE THERE YET??


More often than not, I find myself turning up the music as loud as it will possibly go and scream-singing along just to drown it out. It never works, but I like to pretend it does. This angers the natives, and it becomes an all out “who can scream” louder match- and migraines are so last year.

So, what have we decided to do to sort of circumvent this little issue of toddler fight club in a moving vehicle?
Drive overnight.

UGH! Yes, 13 hours through the dead of the night. This is either ingenious or the stupidest idea we’ve ever had that is sure to backfire. 13 hours through the dead of the night only to take a slight break upon arrival and then venture out into the park.

YES. WE ARE INSANE.

I think that giant rat infected us with the plague. Or malaria. Or… fuck it, anything that induces complete insanity.

I may not make it back from this trip alive. I may not make it THROUGH the trip alive. I might not even make it to Disney alive!

Now… i’m not here asking for advice on how to keep the children submissive and happy, just prayers… for my sanity. It is in serious jeopardy. So is Thomas. I may have to embroider a pillow before we leave.

And here I could have been selfish and spent all of this giant-rat money on ME! Those “fuck me” boots…. are still calling my name.

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 10 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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10 Comments

  • Invest in headphones for the kids. And valium for you. Or maybe valium for the kids and headphones for you. (No, that would be bad.)

  • Oh god. I dread the cursed ‘parks’ as those of us close to Orlando call them. I have lived an hour East of ‘the parks’ for over 13 yrs now. The first thing family wants to do when they visit, is go there. I hate that place so much. The last time family was here, my dog and I sat in the hotel room for 2 days watching TV while my wife and her family ventured out in to the sweaty, noisy, inconsiderate mob that inhabits those evil places. P.S. I meant to say, have a good trip! I am sure you guys will have a blast.

  • haha! We loved it last time we went. But it wasn’t so mob like. Living near colonial williamsburg, the beach, jamestown, yorktown, etc- I understand the loathing of tourists. Busch Gardens can become a MOB SCENE and I just leave because I have a seasons pass.

    Lisha- LOL!

  • I feel for you for we managed to convince ourselves the all night thing Disneyland is doing on the 29th will be fun with 2 Aspies who also have ADHD & a sassy 14yr old. It is only a short 3 hour trip for us but we have done our fair share of car trips with toddlers. I use to make the 18 hour drive back home when we were stationed in VA by myself. Yes it does help to drive at night. If nothing else you should not hit traffic! :O)

  • PORTABLE DVD PLAYER! We drove from Virginia to South Dakota last Christmas with three kids ages 2, 7, and 9. Straight through driving for 21 hours. My oldest lives in Florida with his dad so we have made that trip before with a newborn and with toddlers. Good luck on keeping your sanity. Please make sure you are driving should anyone need suffocating!

  • i’d pray for your sanity, but i fear it may be a lost cause o.O
    lol… i’m sure you’ll be fine 🙂
    maybe completely gray and bug-eyed when you get back.. but um physically fine.. 🙂

  • I feel your pain and you have my prayers! Our trips with a small child were much smoothed by leaving in early AM hours and the appearance of an iPod as soon as he woke up. Pricey fix? Yes. Worth it to keep my sanity? YES! We bought a couple movies from itunes he hadnt seen yet to load onto it and a bunch of toddler friendly free games about animals or robots or whatever he was obsessed with at the time. He didnt make a peep the first car trip except to announce when Nemo’s Dad finally met the turtle then again to have it restarted. By the time that ended we were within 15 minutes of the cursed park, I mean Happiest place on Earth. I also came in handy in the one restaurant while we waited for our food. For our part…Starbucks! My son will actually eat their snack food which is rare for any public place and the rest of us were more than ready for coffee. (Did I mention we were also travelling with my parents and younger brother? Not recommended)

  • Its not the drive down that will be bad….its the drive BACK. I have done it three times with my son, and he is so excited to get there so he was pretty easy going. Its leaving the vacation and driving home that drags on and on and on….I have always packed a special bag with new toys, coloring books etc that he has never seen to keep him occupied.

  • Over night driving DOES WORK.
    We live in NY, and had to drive to Franklin, TN once… a 15 hour drive.
    We started the drive at 7p, and drove through the night, without stopping.
    It only got painful the last 3-4 hours of the trip.
    With needing to stop for food, and pee breaks….

    But, trust me… It was the EASIEST WAY TO DO IT!

  • Oh yeah, almost forgot: Assuming Thomas is going take advantage of the co-pilot’s oresence and sleep in shifts! When we did it my hubby slept the first half of the night, and I slept the second half. Our kid was a late sleeper then so he didnt wake up until we stopped to answer the siren call of coffees at 8:30 in the morning, thats when we broke out the gadgets to play with, and he was happy! One last word on the subject: I was so glad I thought ahead (a rarity for someone who has been driven this insane) and got him acclimated to the snack foods offered by Starbucks. I know it sounds riduculous but one of my sons many quirks is not eating anything made elsewhere. I had to get him acclimated by bringing home their kid-sized cups and givin him some milk in them, and also bought multiple servings of their fruit salad, yogurts, and the snack packs with apples, grapes, cheese, peanut butter and a mini bagel. It is worth the effort to start serving them now and then as at home snacks a few weeks before the trip then do a few test runs to the cafe itself and just happen to notice “They have the same ones we have, lets get some!” We can stop in almost any town in the US and find some coffee shop’s equivulent whereas before we couldnt even set foot in the place because of him.