Why my husband isn’t getting laid on Valentines Day

Ahhh yes, it is that time of year again! In a few days will be the day. The day that is celebrated, loathed, looked forward to and dreaded for an entire 364 days.

The day where men spend far too much money on useless trinkets, flowers that will die, candy that will either get inhaled or tossed out because the recipient is “watching her figure”, forgotten and fought over, cried about, stressed, last second shopped and failed, or completely ignored.

I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, or are counting down the days already- but in under a week it will be Valentines day.

Do we celebrate it here? No. Not really. We’ve never been the emotional sappy “please buy me shit you can’t afford and I have nowhere to wear” couple. Give me some Reeses and we’re set. I’m easy to please.

The general rule for those in a relationship, however, is to have sex. It’s customary. Tradition?? I’m not sure. It’s almost like an unspoken rule.
If you are betrothed and Valentines Day comes around, you had BETTER give your significant other some ass.

Poor Thomas… He is NOT getting laid this year. And it’s not because he did something wholly douchy or engage in some man-like fuckery that put him on sex restriction (although, i’m not going to discount that to happen just yet. We still have 4 days after all!)

So why the ban on sex for the most romantic day of the year?

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

This has to do with lady parts. Most namely, my ovaries and uterus, both of whom are evil whores. They have always refused to let me keep track of them by having totally fucked up cycles every single month for as long as I can remember. That in addition with the fact that I just can’t be bothered to remember dates or times or blood flow- and every month I end up thinking i’m late and doing the “holy shit could I be pregnant??” panic dance. EVERY MONTH. Never fails.

Well, I suppose my friends got sick of me constantly asking THEM, or forgetting and freaking out to them, so they suggested I download a handy dandy little App for my phone to keep track for me so that I would never have to ask again.
When they said there was an app for EVERYTHING, they did not lie.
I jumped all over that shit. No more worrying! This handy dandy little piece of technology would do all the work for me as long as I could remember to punch in when that cunt Aunt Flo made her arrival and departed for a month or two so that the whacked out cycles I have could be accurately predicted (that whole shit about 28 days? it ain’t true).

As soon as I punched in this month’s info (y’know, when I could remember to), that fancy little doodad popped up with its prediction of my most fertile days of February… and can you wager a guess as to which day it claims is “IF YOU LET HIM POKE YOU, YOU WILL GET KNOCKED UP” day?
Good ol’ Valentines Day.

I know what you’re thinking, trust me I do! What about birth control? How about you wrap it up?
Well, after hemorrhaging from my lady bits for 7 months on depo I swore off birth control for life- and condoms? They just aren’t trustworthy enough for me! WHY?
Allow me to enlighten you.

Our of the past 5 Valentines day- 2 I have been pregnant. SHIT, In 2009, I found OUT I was unexpectedly pregnant the day before Valentines day (which also happened to be Friday the 13th), with no knowledge of ever doing the dirty in recent recollection.

Wonky cycles, bitchy uterus, and hateful ovaries aside- this time of the year has proven to be my MOST fertile time… and mama doesn’t want another surprise baby so if I have to keep the husband away with a stick and buck Valentines Day bootie- you’d damn well better believe i’m going to do it!

Sorry husband! Maybe next year? Oh.. that’s right..
Maybe not!

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 22 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • This is funny stuff! We just had a scare last night. I am one of those that doesn’t keep track and takes a prego test every month thinking I’m pregnant. Last night, it was my monthly ritual. But I guess I just gained 10 lbs in the last 6 weeks. Anyhow, I feel your pain! No booty = No Baby. 🙂 Good plan.

  • I had to download an app for that, too. heh. Not so much with panicking every month, I usually knew about when it would start by instinct, but sometimes I wondered if it was late.. and you know how that goes,

    But then! App! Oh wonderful app! Tell me so I don’t have to worry anymore!

    Then I actually started getting noticeably late periods every so often, and really freaked out.
    But they always came.. eventually.

    Until this last one. In July of last year. 😐
    App now counts down the days until my due date. How useful to have them in the same app. >.>

  • Lol You hit the nail on the head with this, lmao! Money sucking sucky holidays…Thanks for the giggles
    Oh yea check check not pg here even though I certainly feel like im six months from bloating n cramping fun fun jeeshhh

  • It’s not that we minded keeping track for you my darling friend, we just thought it might be more fun if you got to use your smartphone for more than texting us about poop! I love you!

  • I can find out on Valentine’s day if we are pregnant… Your blog made me LAUGH out loud. If a baby isn’t what you want for Valentine’s day, it can’t be returned so hubby best stay away from the lady bits.

  • oh shit, y’all make me LOL!

  • “That in addition with the fact that I just can’t be bothered to remember dates or times or blood flow- and every month I end up thinking i’m late and doing the “holy shit could I be pregnant??” panic dance. EVERY MONTH. Never fails.”
    Seriously? Time to start being bothered and stop being irresponsible.

  • Time for you to suck it up and not leave asshole comments on someone else’s JOKE blog. I’m 28, and i’ll do or NOT do whatever the hell I want. 🙂

  • Oh, and if you’d bother to read the whole POINT of the blog was that I downloaded an app to keep track for me. So… your comment makes no sense.

  • Did the stupid Shithead NOT read anything else? My cycle, before I had a lovely procedure that has permanently banned Aunt Flo from EVER visiting again, was so messed up I would have 3 visits in one month then not have one for 4 months then any variation on spacing between that that my body saw fit to attend, so there was NO way *I* could; how did she so eloquently put it, oh yeah; “….start being bothered and stop being irresponsible.”for love or money. SOME people need to have their craniums surgically removed from their diamond producingly tight rectums.

  • SNORT! exactly

    What I didn’t feel necessary to put in, as this was a joking blog, was that my cycles are so out of control there isn’t really a reason to attempt to keep track because I honestly can’t tell month to month when it’s going to come. Not that i’m IRRESPONSIBLE, not that it should really even matter to anyone else if I am. Maybe the app will work for me 😉
    I figure if I were really irresponsible i’d have 50 kids by now.

  • I downloaded the app just to see what its all about and i love it. My husband is damn determined to have another baby and my two year old is enough for me to handle right now. lol maybe in another year hubby, down boy. But as far as keeping track of my period. It loves sneaking up on me when its not expected for another week. Its that makes me irresponsible, then oh hell i guess half of the country is too.

  • What an asshole comment. This was fricken hysterical. Apparently some grumpy bitches have very well behaved uterus’s. Must be nice. I can have my “friend” (haha) for an ENTIRE MONTH, then skip 3 months as well! FABULOUS! I ward of sex all together now. I have 2 children, EIGHT years apart! (takes me that long to want to do it again after a pregnancy) I simply must be irresponsible as well! I mean those people with a shit ton of children must know something we do not. My body would confuse the hell-o out of an app! 😉

  • I can understand why visiting the doctor after having sex is not something to look forward to, but your dentist didn’t give you any restrictions did he?

  • There is no obligatory oral sex Dr. Sarcasm and I don’t care WHAT you say!!

  • I have very horrible lady bits issues- and some seriously killer PMS that actually lasts about 3 weeks of each month then bleeding and cramping to the point of missing work…so I relate. But when asking my hubs what he wanted- of course he said a blow job… nothing wrong with my mouth huh? He’s damn lucky I don’t give him his own fucking heart on a platter for V-Day

  • This post seriously made me laugh out loud!!!:D I had to have a total hysterectomy 7 years ago,at age 39, for medical reasons{we have 2 sons,age 10 and 13};so I no longer get to use the “Aunt Flo is visiting” excuse.But….these darn frequent hot flashes that cause terrible migranes,and are down right debilitating,because my body is no longer producing natural female hormones sounds like a pretty good one,doesn’t it?!?!;)

  • RESPONSIBLE?! Kmsl, I suppose I was irresponsible when I got pregnant, not once but twice, while I was on birth control. Its not like I missed a day considering I was on Depo and Mirena. And by all hell, I wouldnt let my fiancé touch me with a damned condom! I suppose I could however blame the creators for making it only 99.9% effective. Way to go bitches, you fail me yet again! Who the hell gets to be the unlucky .1% at 19 and 21? Me, that’s who.

    I am lucky enough that my uterus isn’t a massive twat. She decides to attempt murder every month exactly 28 days after the last. However that doesn’t cover the fact that it’s anywhere from 3-9 days. Let’s not even forget the fact that I’m unsure how I could even be alive after such blood loss.

  • Psst! In response to your reply to Dr. Sarcasm…

    There is n obligatory oral day! Its just not well known


    If that link doesn’t work google “mans valentines day, march 14th” you’ll see what I am talking about!

    Have a good irresponsible day!

  • She must just be grumpy because she is single on valentines day, or ugly and jealous because you opted out of Vday sex and she couldn’t get it if she wanted it. lmao. Good blog very funny.

  • You’re too funny! I have a hard time tracking mine, always have.. Definitely one of my favorites!!! =))

  • My son was a surprise, my daughter was planned. When we were trying for my daughter we went through about 6 months of thinking that i was pregnant and then the test would come back negative and a few weeks later I would get my period. Finally, I figured out that my cycles are very long…as in 9 freaking weeks long! No wonder I kept doing the, OMG am I preggers drama. After both kids and the doc said, “absolutely no more pregnancies, your lady bits are going to literally fall out!” which is something that, when said by the person sitting between your ankles peering at said lady bits with a high power light, you believe without question. So now I am 40 and my uterus and I have come to an uneasy truce: I get some warning (in the forms of mild cramps that are not bad at all) when the old bitch is planning to do her thing, and I promise to not allow sperm anywhere near her. You might have a heart to uterus chat and see if you might be able to come up with some kind of early warning system, too. It took me a while to figure out what she was telling me, but she was doing her best, I just had to pay attention and listen. Love the blog…and I am a little curious about what the erased asshole comment was…LOL