After months of pain, 6 weeks of PT, and an asshole doctor who really didn’t give two shits about anything but pointless 5 minute follow-ups and charging my insurance $500- I finally got scheduled for an MRI to see if we searched a little more in depth, we could actually find out what the fuck the problem is and why it’s lasting so long.
My first thought upon hearing i’d be getting a ration of MRIs was YES! I thought from the very beginning, when they nearly XRayed me to death, that an MRI should have been done, and then, like with every other situation, my brain began to go into overdrive.
An MRI. What exactly can you see on an MRI?
What if someone is on their period? Would that show up? How horrifying would that be to go over your MRIs with your doctor and see a cotton tail coming out the bottom end?
Genius me, I made the appointment for as early as humanly possible, 6:45am. Do I even bother putting on makeup? All they’re going to do is stick me in a box. NO ONE is going to be out that early.
BUT if I don’t… i’ll look like a demon, the walking dead, a gremlin, heinous, terrifying, crusty and exhausted.
What if, since it’s so early, I fall asleep? Is that good or bad? What if I drool, or snore, or fart?
Like giving birth- this was another “how am I going to embarrass myself THIS time?” situation
My MAIN concern, above all else? Taking out my jewelry. I don’t EVER take them out. I have THIRTEEN piercings. It’s a pain in the ass, I get slightly disgusted by messing with them, it takes too long, and I have an intense fear of them closing up and having to jam a stud back through.
I was actually okay with the thought of being shoved into an enclosed space until people who have actually HAD MRIs in the past peed in my cheerios (and rightfully so).
It’s terrifying! It’s LOUD. Take a valium! Wear earplugs!
Shit, my asshat of a doctor won’t even give me ibuprofen for severe chronic back pain- he’d let me die before giving me a valium.
And when I thought about all that, a wee bit of panic began to set in.
There’s a reason I don’t watch Dirty Jobs, and it’s not because I dont’ think Mike Rowe is sexy (HELL YES HE IS) but it’s because I can’t stand watching him squeeze into small spaces, my heart rate starts to rise and I have to change the channel. This would not end well.
On the way there this morning, still dark out, my brain was in absolute overdrive (although my body was screaming to get back in bed)
I must not be too old yet because I STILL don’t understand why they make kids get up so early for school,
or maybe I am old because I call highschoolers ‘kids’.
You can get somewhere in half the time when everyone is still sleeping, especially the idiot drivers
I’m the first one here, great, now they have to buzz me in and I have to stand out here in my mismatched pajamas I threw together at the last second for any passer-by to see.
You’re inspecting me for metal? Asking me if I have any metal in my head? Uhh, other than my piercings… No…
I should clean my earrings more often
Oh, it’s an open MRI, yay!
Wait.. i’m still going in over my head. Boo!
I don’t see how 80’s classic rock would help someone about to have a panic attack from claustrophobia- but i’m sure enjoying it!
“Hold perfectly still. DO NOT MOVE”- seriously? My nose itches
Am I moving? I felt like I just moved.
Did I twitch? No, that’s my arm falling asleep.
I’ll just close my eyes- but I can’t sleep because HOLY FUCK THIS IS LOUD.
This is like bad club music mixed with construction work.
I feel like i’m in an alien spaceship. The only thing missing is hot pokers and anal probes.
OH SHIT I FORGOT TO REMOVE MY NOSE RINGS!
My earring holes are probably closing up
Now I want to scratch my ear
I don’t want cereal for breakfast
How much longer is this going to last?
By the time it was over, I was disoriented, dizzy, even more tired than when i’d arrived and NEVER wanting to do that again. For the damage it did to my rational thinking alone. And the pain it caused in my nose and ear when I had to forcefully jam back through two posts.
On a more serious note, I have my follow-up Thursday with my asshole of a doctor who apparently had my neck and LOWER BACK which has never experienced pain scan instead of the center of my back- so i’m not feeling very hopeful about the results.
Have I mentioned lately that I hate doctors?
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