|Not my house, but damn this is familiar.|
So I was sitting around, irritated by my children taking it upon themselves while I was slaving away in the kitchen making their lunch, to go upstairs and into the hall closet and pull absolutely EVERYTHING OUT. This includes an old rusty pipe we found under the upstairs bathroom sink, an ENTIRE medicine cabinet full of shit we brought over from the last house but have not found the motivation to hang up, sheets, blankets, pillows…. and scattered them all over the hallway.
By the time Holden finally felt the need to tattle, it smelled like a cologne bomb had gone off.
I put the hammer DOWN.
You clean up your toys or you will NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. That’s right, i’ll sell them and buy me the pair of “fuck me” boots i’ve always wanted.
As they slowly cleaned up the disaster they had created, whining the whole time, I started listing all of the ways that children are annoying, turdy little miscreants. And then I hit a road block. I started hitting reasons that may SEEM negative, but are in fact random (unknown) things that children are GOOD for.
GASP! THEY ARE GOOD FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN STRETCH MARKS AND WRINKLES (and endless love, vomit)?!?!?!
Yes. They are.
And I shall now choose randomly off of my random list. Perhaps it will give you a new way to look at the obnoxious ankle biters you have running around your house that you’re about ready to sell on Craigslist for pocket change.
Random Reason #3254: reminding you that you do in fact still have a grip on sanity when you don’t pawn them after they destroy… everything.
Random Reason #351: They will get you a roll of toilet paper when you’re stuck on the pot.
Random Reason #47: You’ll never need an alarm clock again, because they will be sure to wake you up before the sun ever rises.
Random Reason #1490: If you love to clean, they will be much obliged to make more messes than you could ever hope to have picked up in a 24 hour period
Random Reason #922: We’ve all wondered what we’d look like in a horror movie- they’ll show you what it’s like to look like a Zombie, no 6-hour makeup job necessary.
Reason #168: No need to make up an excuse to upgrade to new electronics. They will ruin yours in 6 months or less.
Reason #1001: You will FINALLY understand what your mother meant all those times she said “Just WAIT until you have kids!”
Reason #840: You’ll never need to wonder if you’re gaining weight, hell, you don’t even need a scale! your kids well tell you before you even notice.
Reason #56: They will show you who your real friends are.
Reason #333: Chewing with their mouths open and covering themselves in food drool, they can make some of the most fattening and delicious things look completely unappealing. Forever.
Reason #2: You never have to worry about being desirable. With kids someone will ALWAYS desire you. And I do mean always.
Finding the silver lining in everything is something we HAVE to do as parents… or I truly do believe we would absolutely positively lose our fucking MINDS. There is just not enough room in the nuthouse for everyone.
What makes your list of ‘Random things kids are good for’?
Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers goo.gl/fb/oVuwvG
Tis the season! pic.twitter.com/5VgMLnt22E
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
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For any parent who's ever had a kid who thinks they're more grown up than they are... and proves themselves wrong-- this story is for you holdinholden.com/2017/12/10-g…