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The random things kids are good for

Not my house, but damn this is familiar.

So I was sitting around, irritated by my children taking it upon themselves while I was slaving away in the kitchen making their lunch, to go upstairs and into the hall closet and pull absolutely EVERYTHING OUT. This includes an old rusty pipe we found under the upstairs bathroom sink, an ENTIRE medicine cabinet full of shit we brought over from the last house but have not found the motivation to hang up, sheets, blankets, pillows…. and scattered them all over the hallway.
By the time Holden finally felt the need to tattle, it smelled like a cologne bomb had gone off.

I put the hammer DOWN.

You clean up your toys or you will NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. That’s right, i’ll sell them and buy me the pair of “fuck me” boots i’ve always wanted.

As they slowly cleaned up the disaster they had created, whining the whole time, I started listing all of the ways that children are annoying, turdy little miscreants. And then I hit a road block. I started hitting reasons that may SEEM negative, but are in fact random (unknown) things that children are GOOD for.
GASP! THEY ARE GOOD FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN STRETCH MARKS AND WRINKLES (and endless love, vomit)?!?!?!

Yes. They are.

And I shall now choose randomly off of my random list. Perhaps it will give you a new way to look at the obnoxious ankle biters you have running around your house that you’re about ready to sell on Craigslist for pocket change.

Random Reason #3254: reminding you that you do in fact still have a grip on sanity when you don’t pawn them after they destroy… everything.

Random Reason #351: They will get you a roll of toilet paper when you’re stuck on the pot.

Random Reason #47: You’ll never need an alarm clock again, because they will be sure to wake you up before the sun ever rises.

Random Reason #1490: If you love to clean, they will be much obliged to make more messes than you could ever hope to have picked up in a 24 hour period

Random Reason  #922: We’ve all wondered what we’d look like in a horror movie- they’ll show you what it’s like to look like a Zombie, no 6-hour makeup job necessary.

Reason #168: No need to make up an excuse to upgrade to new electronics. They will ruin yours in 6 months or less.

Reason #1001: You will FINALLY understand what your mother meant all those times she said “Just WAIT until you have kids!”

Reason #840: You’ll never need to wonder if you’re gaining weight, hell, you don’t even need a scale! your kids well tell you before you even notice.

Reason #56: They will show you who your real friends are.

Reason #333: Chewing with their mouths open and covering themselves in food drool, they can make some of the most fattening and delicious things look completely unappealing. Forever.

Reason #2: You never have to worry about being desirable. With kids someone will ALWAYS desire you. And I do mean always.




Finding the silver lining in everything is something we HAVE to do as parents… or I truly do believe we would absolutely positively lose our fucking MINDS. There is just not enough room in the nuthouse for everyone.
What makes your list of ‘Random things kids are good for’?

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 12 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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12 Comments

  • lol!! great mix of sweet and funny… especially #1001!!!

  • Making me smile and want to keep going no matter how much pan im in or how bad i feel 🙂

  • They also have the uncanny ability to do something hilarious or sweet just when you’re really contemplating how nice and quiet it would be if you shipped them to Timbuktu

  • I’m partial to the toilet one, obviously, but they’re also good for helping you watch your mouth… by pointing out each and every time you swear.

  • I like having my kids fetch me a snack, or drink from the fridge 🙂

  • Ya, on an important phone call they looove to remind u that 1. They know how to run at high speeds through the house 2. They know how to tattle 3. They suddenly are struck deaf and have to scream to be heard by themselves 4. If under 3 ft tall, u must be reminded of their unique climbing skills up your leg 5. They truely believe that a phone to the ear instantly makes up blind deaf and dumb , as they shred the house while trying to kill eachother …. Right in front of up. Thank goodness for the mute button…..

  • No matter what kind of gong show day your having, one little kid giggle and none of it matters anymore. Or at least for an hour or two and that’s worth all the shit and piss and vomit and everything else that sucks that they throw at you! (Not literally but you know what I mean…lol)

  • They are GREAT for getting me out of situations I don’t want to deal with… Mother in Law needs a hand with something… “Oh I’m sooo sorry but I can’t, Thing1 is really sick and I couldn’t POSSIBLY leave her…” 😉

  • Hey don’t forget they’re also great for fetching other things besides toilet paper. A fresh soda, a pack of cigs, throwing trash away. All kinds of fetch me things. It’s funny cuz when I was a kid my parents had me fetch them all kinds of stuff and I swore when I grew up I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Yeah well, reality bites for them cuz I do it too, and gladly!!!!

  • The day we moved into our new house I explained recycling to my son, including a simplified version of how they turn it into something new (they wash it really well, then melt it down, and shape it into something new while it’s still soft and once it cools it is ready to use in its new task) I woke up at 2 in the morning that night to find him out of bed. He claimed he just wanted to take some recycling to the kitchen container for it to be cleaned and made into something new. When he said it that should have tipped me off. Being 2 AM I didnt question it though and put him back in bed. I didnt find out until it was too late the ‘something’ he was ‘recycling’ was my cell phone (less than 6 months old!) along with his wet diaper and several toys he’d broken in a meltdown. Another thing I did not know was that when he said it was ready to be washed and recycled he meant that he had put it all into the washer and started the laundry cycle. First thing in the morning I installed a lock near the top of the laundry room door amd we had several long chats about what can and cannot be recycled. I also made him promise not to wash anything else.

    Three hours later my husband could not find his cell phone. I found it after I began to hear strange sounds coming from the kitchen while I was trying to get ready for work in the bathroom. I ran out to find a literal lightning storm raging inside the microwave and the smell of frying cell phone as my son cackled and danced with joy. Needless to say, the microwave now also resides behind the locked door. I also end up having to explain this to almost every one that comes to our house as to why the microwave is in our laundry room (and why the laundry room requires a deadbolt)!

  • BAHAHAHAHAHA Worker Bee!!! That cracked me up!!!

  • Brilliant, my kids will always take a cookie and give me one. Even if it’s the last one in the box and it’s crumbs