When we force our screaming sacks of red baby goodness into this world, along with them comes hopes, dreams, expectations… all that mushy shit a new Mommy feels once she’s relieved of what is likely the worst pain she’s ever felt in her ENTIRE life and has her newly birthed offspring nestled comfortably in her arms.
We dream of the PERFECT mommy moments. The ones you see in commercials, overly sappy Hallmark cards, and splattered all over the Facebook walls of resident Mommy Braggers.
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and our little ray of sunshine comes walking into the room after letting us sleep in and says “Mommy, you’re my best friend in the WHOLE world”
or how about “I want to go to med-school”
“I would never be embarrassed of you! Come in public with me any time”
“I promise I will never do drugs. They are stupid and you taught me better than that”
“You’re the best Mommy ever”
“I love you so much!”
“Don’t worry about that mess, I’ll clean it up!”
“Straight A’s were a piece of cake. I think i’ll take all honors courses next year”
We don’t get the cold hard slap of reality (usually straight to the tit) until our child mumbles their first curse word, back-sasses repeatedly for the majority of a day, or shits directly on the floor, y’know, for fun- that these high hopes and dreams that were birthed along with them may have been the hormones talking, or maybe the epidural. It’s NOT all rainbows and butterflies, and all these “perfect mommy moments” we dreamed of may remain in la-la land along with our flat stomachs and most of our rational thinking.
Still, being the typical mothers we all deny being, we hold out hope that our humanoid creations WILL one day in fact be the perfect child. ONE DAY IT WILL HAPPEN! Why? Because we love them and in our minds, due to the lack of rational thinking, they at times, can do absolutely no wrong. At least not as wrong as that fucking brat across the street…
Anyways, sometimes it does. Random acts of sweetness. Poddler takes over and instead of destroying the house decides to give us a break- and this gives us a false sense of security.
Oh, they’re finally being sweet! Praise the stars in the sky- the terrible/horrible/awful/OMFG I WANT TO DIE (insert age here)’s are over!
Wrong. WRONG! Let me stop you right there- WRONG! Never let them fool you! Never fool YOURSELF! We love our kids, DUH, they are our worlds, our reasons for being, all that stupid sappy shit everyone always says- it’s all true,- BUT- they are sneaky conniving little shitheads at the same time.
Take, for instance, today.
I’d like to think I don’t get fooled easily or often. LIKE being the key word here. I am fully aware of just how snotty and full of ‘tude my child is (and where he gets it from). I am also aware that when he wants to be, he can be very sweet (and I don’t count the times he asks for something afterward into that equation).
I am going to blame lack of sleep and consumption of alcohol last night- but the kid walked right up to me and planted a kiss on me. Anyone willing to kiss my face early in the morning after a night of drinking deserves a medal, but my child got the satisfaction of seeing that he gave me the warm and fuzzies.
He then looked into my eyes, a sweet little smile on his face, and this is where I SWORE I was going to have one of those “perfect mommy” moments where he gushed about my amazingness, my cooking, how much he loves me, i’m the favorite parent, he understands astrophysics – I swore it! The set up, the delivery, it was all falling into place. Well, that was all fantasy.
“I have boogers in my nose”
Swing and a miss. Check and mate for the spawn.
I was, of course, completely deflated, but he just thought it was the most hilarious thing he’s EVER said (and he thinks he’s pretty fucking funny ALL the time).
This is why I encourage being honest with yourself about the miniature human you have created. It saves a lot of hurt feelings… namely, yours.
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj
I-Spy on road trips DOES. NOT. WORK. Here's my "traveling with kids in cars" survival guide holdinholden.com/2017/08/road…
Roads trips with Kids–Here’s what you REALLY need goo.gl/fb/yj96Mw
@selfmademummy I'd explode if I tried