Parental Payback

You know that old saying, the one your mother used to say to you whenever you were acting like a spoiled rotten bratty little snot- the one that went a little something like
“Just wait until YOU have kids!”

Do you find now, that as an adult with children, that this statement rings absolutely true? All the things we would scream and yell and fight about, the refusing to nap, the bratty temper tantrums, no veggies, wishing to live off of a diet of Dr. Pepper, sitting too close to the TV for hours on end, eating hair or dirt or grass or chalk, or swallowing pennies for fun, and attempting to date the psychotic douchebag- those things our parents told us NOT to do they were “bad” for us and we just didn’t want to hear it? Those things ARE all bad!

Once you get to the age and mental capacity that you can understand these things, you feel like a gigantic idiot for questioning your parents (well, mostly.. ’cause there are still those certain things I don’t agree with!), and begin to tell your children not to do the SAME.EXACT.DAMN.THINGS.

OUR parents consider it payback for all the shitty things (the things listed above plus an infinite amount of other shitty things, including shit) we did to them as children. I honestly can’t blame them for thinking that way, we DO deserve it.
The only consolation in this matter is when we are told that once OUR kids have kids, it will finally be OUR turn for payback…

But I say fuck waiting that long!

Why can’t we get revenge NOW? Even if in the tiniest, most insignificant, and slightly ridiculous ways- we parents who are being screamed, whined, pooped and puked at on a daily basis CAN get a teensy tiny bit of revenge right this very moment. Just with every day little things that HAVE to be done anyways. Things that may not seem pleasant to anyone involved, but sometimes you have to look past the annoyance and think.. “well, that’s what you get” with a sadistic smile.
Sadistic! Did I say sadistic? Yes I did. We all have a sadistic streak. If you won’t admit to it out loud, I know you’re at least agreeing with a mental nod. Embrace it… but not TOO much unless you’re looking for a career in the Dominatrix field.

While to most, these might seem like awful and maybe even mundane chores, I have come to enjoy them- because my kids fucking HATE it.

1. Nose picking. 
Yeah yeah, that’s right, EWWW all you want- I pick my kids noses! I’ve picked their noses since I could shove a finger into a nostril and before that it was the dreaded nose-bulb (I swear to jesus you’d think that thing was satan itself from how babies react to it).
WHY do I still do this? Because, friends, my children create the LARGEST boogers known to man outside of bright green sickness induced snot. If I leave them in there, either I hear nose whistling for hours on end- which has the possibility to drive me completely insane- or they crust up and cause nose bleeds. If there’s one thing I hate more than poop, it’s blood.
The children, to this day, HATE when I pick their boogers. HATE. It doesn’t hurt them, but they hate it so much that I have to enjoy it. Consider this bratty kid payback #1.

2. Hair brushing
My LEAST favorite thing as a child, because I was a nasty little tomboy who refused to brush my hair and acquired what my brother liked to call a “Rat’s Nest.” Oohhhh yes I hated it so, and now it’s my turn.
Perhaps if Holden doesn’t want me to have to yank the knots out of his hair (as gently as I can of course) he shouldn’t be crawling around the fucking house with his head on the ground, like a dog does with their itchy ass. For this reason alone, I have to find it amusing, and consider it bratty kid payback #2.

3. Ear wax removal
Look, it’s fucking disgusting, and if I don’t remove it, the boys’ hair is so long it gets trapped IN their ears. Blame genetics (AHEM THOMAS)- but the kids hate this more than the hair brushing and booger picking combined… and while it makes me cringe to have to scrape it out- I still find this hilarious and bratty kid payback #3.

4. Time.the-fuck.Outs
I know we all hate time outs. The whining, the crying (or at least mine do). And it follows some ugly behavior to get them sent there, but there is just something SO satisfying about sticking a kid in the corner and forcing them to stay there. After all of the hours of time out I endured, it’s about damn time I pay that shit forward. Bratty kid payback #4? I THINK SO!

5. School.
Ok, I know I personally am not to this point yet… but as sad and shmoopy as I am about sending my baby away to have to sit in a classroom and learn for hours upon hours, 5 days a week, I am almost equally as excited. HAHA! NOW YOU’LL KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE TO LEARN AGAINST YOUR WILL! 
I don’t care if he currently LIKES to learn. There will come a day when he fucking HATES getting up for school and has to go anyways, and then, I will get my bratty kid payback #5.

What else can I do?
 I can’t exactly shit or piss my pants because who is going to clean that up other than me? And I do not know from experience, but I am QUITE positive that a full adult human shit is far far worse than any toddler shit I have ever had the displeasure of having to clean up;  I have to save that for when I am elderly and stuck in depends or hovering over a bed pan.
I can’t refuse food, because why in the hell would they care if I went hungry?

This is all i’ve got y’all. It’s all WE’VE got until … well… hopefully a LONG time from now when they are having their own demon spawn and can understand the “horrible” things we’ve “put them through” that they likely will curse at us about for years to come (or if you have older kids, already have).

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 13 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Absolutely! The hair brushing rings very well in my neck of the woods. My mom yanked as I bitched, now my own kids do the same (well mostly my step daughters because my girl has a tough head, dammit) but… I always takes me back. Any time my seedling throws a bitch fit, my dad says “the curse is in full effect!”


    Love your post!

    Tiff (A Family Rearranged)

  • So…… you’re saying I should stop shitting in my toddler’s bed?

    j/k, brilliant as usual!

  • This actually ended my shitty day on a f*cking really good laugh. My Child refused his nap and his supper tonight then spent the next 3 hours crying his tiny little mother F*cking eyeballs making me want to pull my hair out of my head and scream til the sun shined!

    As payback to his shitty attitudes on days just like this #1 comes to mind.. My kid F*cking hates his nose being cleaned out and it gives me such satisfaction to throw back some shit at him like he throws at me!!

    Loved your blog tonight Keep up the great work

  • My son hates for me to pick his nose but its OK if he does it and then gives it to me which idk why is an eww factor ive never had any issues with earwax yet or hairbrushing well not since i almost made him bald last summer but i remember plenty of tears and tantrums and a few raps on the head (from grandma AND mom) with the same torturous device and now when my toddler refuses to get out of the tub or is throwing at fit in the middle of the store my mom often laughs and says paybacks honey are a real bit*&^ Thanks for sharing! I got a giggle and a trip down memory lane!

  • My aback (among others): my son’s hair gets shaved every 3 months or 2 inches, whichever comes first. You don’t want to know what happens when a 2 year old tries to copy Grandma dying her hair but uses mud on his sweet curly locks he refused to let me or anyone else wash, comb or otherwise mess with. Did I mention that children with curly hair, love mud, hate detangler, detest bathing and anything involving soap tend to be evil when faced with all of the above? Did I also mention that when all other methods of getting him clean failed miserably I finally had to bear hug him outside in the yard while somebody turned the hose on us then buzzed him?

    In short…either he uses some damn detangler and a comb at least once a day or those cute curls turn into an afro shaped snarl of tangles and we have to buzz it again. Payback, baby

  • LOL!

    .. or you could always just fart om them o.O

  • If Revenge IS Sweet, not I. 😉

  • I’m aware of the typo- I didn’t make the image though! 🙂

  • My twins used to refuse to go to sleep at bedtime. They would staup up talking, playing, fighting, getting up, etc.. After MONTHS of this I began waking mine up early as *&^$ the next morning with ice cold wash cloths to their faces and backs. “whats the matter? are you sleepy? didnt ya get enough sleep last night or something BWAHAHAA?” Maybe I shouldnt have enjoyed that, but I did.

  • My grandmother never told me the wait till you have kids. Nope, she cursed me with when you have kids I hope they turn out just like you. Thanks Mom. My 6 year old son is just like me. I’m in trouble. Lol

  • Oh dear god I am with you on the nose picking. Those are some crazy huge boogers and I can not stand the nose whistling it drive me insane!

  • My payback is when I get to blow dry munchkin’s hair…she HATES it, or when I pull her hair up..HATES that worse than the blow dryer. Her hair is down past her shoulder blades, and the only time she is ok with her hair being pulled up is when we go surfing any other time it is a fight. I get that little pleasure out of making her stay still for me put her hair up in a pony. Time out is a favorite around here, and I extend her time until she is quiet then she has to do her time.