You know that old saying, the one your mother used to say to you whenever you were acting like a spoiled rotten bratty little snot- the one that went a little something like
“Just wait until YOU have kids!”
Do you find now, that as an adult with children, that this statement rings absolutely true? All the things we would scream and yell and fight about, the refusing to nap, the bratty temper tantrums, no veggies, wishing to live off of a diet of Dr. Pepper, sitting too close to the TV for hours on end, eating hair or dirt or grass or chalk, or swallowing pennies for fun, and attempting to date the psychotic douchebag- those things our parents told us NOT to do they were “bad” for us and we just didn’t want to hear it? Those things ARE all bad!
Once you get to the age and mental capacity that you can understand these things, you feel like a gigantic idiot for questioning your parents (well, mostly.. ’cause there are still those certain things I don’t agree with!), and begin to tell your children not to do the SAME.EXACT.DAMN.THINGS.
OUR parents consider it payback for all the shitty things (the things listed above plus an infinite amount of other shitty things, including shit) we did to them as children. I honestly can’t blame them for thinking that way, we DO deserve it.
The only consolation in this matter is when we are told that once OUR kids have kids, it will finally be OUR turn for payback…
But I say fuck waiting that long!
Why can’t we get revenge NOW? Even if in the tiniest, most insignificant, and slightly ridiculous ways- we parents who are being screamed, whined, pooped and puked at on a daily basis CAN get a teensy tiny bit of revenge right this very moment. Just with every day little things that HAVE to be done anyways. Things that may not seem pleasant to anyone involved, but sometimes you have to look past the annoyance and think.. “well, that’s what you get” with a sadistic smile.
Sadistic! Did I say sadistic? Yes I did. We all have a sadistic streak. If you won’t admit to it out loud, I know you’re at least agreeing with a mental nod. Embrace it… but not TOO much unless you’re looking for a career in the Dominatrix field.
While to most, these might seem like awful and maybe even mundane chores, I have come to enjoy them- because my kids fucking HATE it.
1. Nose picking.
Yeah yeah, that’s right, EWWW all you want- I pick my kids noses! I’ve picked their noses since I could shove a finger into a nostril and before that it was the dreaded nose-bulb (I swear to jesus you’d think that thing was satan itself from how babies react to it).
WHY do I still do this? Because, friends, my children create the LARGEST boogers known to man outside of bright green sickness induced snot. If I leave them in there, either I hear nose whistling for hours on end- which has the possibility to drive me completely insane- or they crust up and cause nose bleeds. If there’s one thing I hate more than poop, it’s blood.
The children, to this day, HATE when I pick their boogers. HATE. It doesn’t hurt them, but they hate it so much that I have to enjoy it. Consider this bratty kid payback #1.
2. Hair brushing
My LEAST favorite thing as a child, because I was a nasty little tomboy who refused to brush my hair and acquired what my brother liked to call a “Rat’s Nest.” Oohhhh yes I hated it so, and now it’s my turn.
Perhaps if Holden doesn’t want me to have to yank the knots out of his hair (as gently as I can of course) he shouldn’t be crawling around the fucking house with his head on the ground, like a dog does with their itchy ass. For this reason alone, I have to find it amusing, and consider it bratty kid payback #2.
3. Ear wax removal
Look, it’s fucking disgusting, and if I don’t remove it, the boys’ hair is so long it gets trapped IN their ears. Blame genetics (AHEM THOMAS)- but the kids hate this more than the hair brushing and booger picking combined… and while it makes me cringe to have to scrape it out- I still find this hilarious and bratty kid payback #3.
I know we all hate time outs. The whining, the crying (or at least mine do). And it follows some ugly behavior to get them sent there, but there is just something SO satisfying about sticking a kid in the corner and forcing them to stay there. After all of the hours of time out I endured, it’s about damn time I pay that shit forward. Bratty kid payback #4? I THINK SO!
Ok, I know I personally am not to this point yet… but as sad and shmoopy as I am about sending my baby away to have to sit in a classroom and learn for hours upon hours, 5 days a week, I am almost equally as excited. HAHA! NOW YOU’LL KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE TO LEARN AGAINST YOUR WILL!
I don’t care if he currently LIKES to learn. There will come a day when he fucking HATES getting up for school and has to go anyways, and then, I will get my bratty kid payback #5.
What else can I do?
I can’t exactly shit or piss my pants because who is going to clean that up other than me? And I do not know from experience, but I am QUITE positive that a full adult human shit is far far worse than any toddler shit I have ever had the displeasure of having to clean up; I have to save that for when I am elderly and stuck in depends or hovering over a bed pan.
I can’t refuse food, because why in the hell would they care if I went hungry?
This is all i’ve got y’all. It’s all WE’VE got until … well… hopefully a LONG time from now when they are having their own demon spawn and can understand the “horrible” things we’ve “put them through” that they likely will curse at us about for years to come (or if you have older kids, already have).
TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET AND RUN!!!
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
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To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"