Who doesn’t love a good Zombie flick? And now, with The Walking Dead, a good zombie show? It never gets old. I’m not sure what it is about the undead chasing after the living and then catching them and then feasting on their flesh, but the majority of us … well, for lack of a better term, eat it up.
And for the majority of people, the fascination stops there. It’s fiction, why give it any more thought.
BUT IS IT? Tell me, while what we see on tv and in movies is clearly made up as it has not happened, does that REALLY mean it couldn’t? Ever?
Maybe it makes me crazy, but I can’t help but to think WHAT IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS?
What if I wake up one morning and there’s some 7 year old girl with half of her face bitten off standing at the foot of my bed, wanting nothing more than to suck the brain out of my skull?
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: totally possible.
Now, i’m not saying people are going to start crawling out of their graves after a mysterious asteroid with unexplained properties smashes into our planet after hurtling through space from who the hell knows where- but can you tell me it’s impossible? What about biological warfare? What about some kind of infectious disease that has zombie-esque results, a la “28 Days Later”?
These are the things that run through my mind, and due to the slight possibility of Zombies taking over the world, I feel the need to be prepared. JUST IN CASE.
Hiding place? Check
Escape route? Check
Where to go that zombies will not be located? Triple check.
Knowledge on how to kill a zombie if faced with one? Abso-fucking-lutely. And you also have to be prepared for the TYPE of Zombie. Will they be runners? Walkers? Brain-dead bumbling around idiots that drag after you so slow that you have to be an idiot not to be able to get away? I don’t believe for a single second that if a DEAD person comes back to life, they’re going to be able to “learn” enough to use weapons against me like that crap-ass “Land of the Dead” suggested (I KNOW it’s Romero, it STILL SUCKED).
Regardless of shitty zombie movies that give it all a cheesy name- there is a lot to be learned from them.
1. Don’t get yourself locked somewhere with no food. You will starve to death and make stupid decisions, like running out into a street full of zombies.
2. Don’t run out into a street full of zombies.
3. Don’t go into big cities. They are ALWAYS FULL OF ZOMBIES.
4. Get and keep a vehicle. Preferably a large one that can run over the living dead. And don’t drive it into big cities.
5. Get a weapon. If it’s a gun you’d better have a lot of fucking ammunition. If it’s NOT a gun, it should have a sharp edge as to cut off zombie head. Can’t bite you with no head. In this situation, a spork just will not do.
6. If at all possible, kill zombie before it gets close enough to touch you. Why would you ever LET one get that close? Don’t be an idiot.
7. Travel in a group. But not too big. Bigger the group the more delicious you look to something that wants nothing more than a YOU sandwich. Go alone and you have too big a chance to be ganged up on and devoured.
8. Islands? Good idea, but only if they are clear of zombies. And a fact as stated by a friend today (mom-brain) somehow the islands are ALWAYS crawling with zombies, for no good reason at all.
9. If you’re going to shoot, AIM FOR THE HEAD. And for the love of all that is holy- DOUBLE TAP. Just to be sure. There’s nothing quite like thinking you’ve taken down a zombie permanently only for them to drag their dead ass up and bite the fuck out of you as you’re doing your “kill dance.” (which I imagine would be very similar to a touch-down dance)
10. If you get bitten, don’t be a bitch. Put yourself out of your own misery. Do you REALLY want to be a zombie? or turn your friends into zombies? While amputation may be a possibility depending on the type of zombie outbreak that has occurred, there is likely going to be no way to prove that, and during the apocalypse- don’t take any chances. You take dumb ass chances and you die. Or become undead.
My main concern in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse is the kids. We all know they are slow, dense, and therefore slow us down and make us ALL more likely to get killed- but we also all know we would do absolutely ANYTHING to keep them safe- so it’s a conundrum. I’ve got it ALL figured out except that. Perhaps I would just strap them to me so their tiny little legs don’t even need to be used. The extra weight will only serve to make me stronger and therefore, less likely to die.
So. Are you prepared for Zombie Apocalypse? REALLY prepared?
I think I might be… Although, one could argue that running on very little sleep for five years and dealing with two completely insane small children makes me a zombie already- and are thereby already prepared- but, better safe than sorry I always say.
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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