Every few months, when i’m feeling bored out of my fucking skull and looking for some kind of quick, easy, and most importantly FREE entertainment- I go through the proverbial looking glass and start digging through my blog statistics.
It’s a curious thing how people find my little hole in the wall here on the internet if not being linked from my Facebook page or my constant finger diarrhea on Twitter or some other self-forced way (I am persistent after all).
I’ve done this many times before, and every time I do it I wonder WHY I do it. Is it for the snort-laughs or giggles? Is it really worth it once I get completely and utterly creeped out that the weirdest fucking freaks on the internet pound something disgusting into their search bar and come upon sweet innocent little ME?!
Nightmares and itchy skin that feels as though even if you take a 5,000 degree shower and scrub off the top 7 layers you STILL won’t be clean? Yeah, totally worth the laughs.
Here are some recent terms that brought people, and sub-people, to me. And since I aim to please, why not give them the advice or answers they were looking for, and didn’t receive?
1. Track Marks
STILL. STILL THIS TERM brings people to me. On a blog written YEARS ago. STILL it gets hit.
Seriously people, do you REALLY need to know what track marks look like? Is it that hard to figure out on your own what might qualify as a druggie arm? I may have been a human fucking pin cushion while burgeoning with baby, I may have even written a blog jokingly referring to the mangled mess that was my arm as “track marks”- but stop coming to me looking for drug info! You aren’t gonna find it, UNLESS you consider saucing yourself up on rum to attempt to maintain a semblance of normalcy one brats have been put on bed as one in the same… and then you have other issues to worry about.
2. American Ghost Hunter
Now, I have to say, i’m actually slightly honored, as I love this movie and I have a self-proclaimed ridiculous crush on Ryan Buell… DID YOU HEAR THAT RYAN?! PEOPLE ARE COMING TO ME TO LOOK FOR YOU!
ahem… moving on…
3. unsexy things that women do
WELL- you have come to the right fucking place! Congratulations! Period blood, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, constipation, farts that could power a small engine… yeah i’d say that’s all pretty damn unsexy.
4. bloody tits
WHAT?! I have no words…
5. sample apology letter to wife
when I read this one the first time, I laughed… and I laughed HARD. Kudos to you, sir, for wanting to apologize to your wife, but you really need a SAMPLE of a letter on how to do so? REALLY?
6. i’m a walmart mom
and i’m sorry for you.
7. poop too much one day
there is such a thing as pooping too much? Well, I guess i’m fucked.
8. 56ggg tits
First off, if you’re looking for chest babies that big, you should probably refer to them, out of respect, as BREASTS. Secondly, I am a card carrying member of the itty bitty titty committee. I’m even thinking of putting in a bid for president.. or maybe treasurer. You want tits, don’t come looking here.
9. A white lie never hurt anyone: define
allow me to help you out there.. a white lie never hurt anyone.
10. breathholding fetish
You have a fetish… with…holding your breath… because that’s sexy. I’m going to walk away from this one.
11. clowns with tits
SERIOUSLY? this had to be some kind of fucking joke. A way to horrify a facebook friend by posting an extremely inappropriate picture of a cleavaged clown…and WHY did I pop up?!
12. Did anyone get laid on Valentine’s Day?
Multiple searches asking this question. I’m going to go WAY out on a limb here and say YES.
13. drank magnesium sulfate and all I did was fart
I don’t even know what that IS or what it’s INTENDED to do. All I know is it made me laugh.
14. evolution of man penis
Sorry, whoever you are, I would dare to say evolution has not done a lot of good for the dick.
15. how man holdens does it take to screw in a lightbulb
I don’t have a single damn clue, but now you have me wondering.
16. i’ve been diarrheaing every 30 minutes for 24 hours, what is wrong with me?
I cannot help you, but you just gave me a new vocabulary word!
17. slapping and hair pulling/put in my ass/stretched out vaginas
I’m surprised the internet didn’t break the day those terms were punched in.
KEGELS people. KEGELS. It will make the 1st more enjoyable and the 2nd even more unappealing.
18. valentine’s day buy shit to get laid
Why not cut out the middle man and get a hooker?
Honestly, I could go on for days. The internet is a deep, dark, sometimes wonderful but forever a WEIRD place full of every kind of person you could hope (or hope NEVER) to find- and when you have a blog or a website, they will usually find you first.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"