A face only a mother could love

We’ve all heard how the saying goes, and we all know what it means. As parents, we are completely blind to the hideousness that could be living in our very own home. Our very own creations might just be more disturbing to look at than an oozing zit on a hairy man ass- and we would never know it.
The fruit of MY loins? The fruit of MY loins is the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth! No one can tell me otherwise- or i’ll call you a fucking liar and punch you in the throat!

If they come out of us, they are the bees-knees. I don’t know if it’s inherent or just a blind spot- but i’ve never known a single parent who thinks their precious little bundle of snot is anything other than pure perfection. I most certainly think MINE are- but who really knows what other people think when they look at what our vaginas squeezed out.

I was fully aware that Parker had fish eyes, a giant red birthmark on his forehead and another on his eyelid, and the largest set of gums i’d ever seen- but to me, it did not detract from the level of adorable I thought he was. WHY?! I really don’t know.

This parental blind spot even extends to the creations OF our creations.

Three words: Hand. made. gifts. 

They are the most awful and hideous things you might ever lay eyes on, but you love them anyway- because your perfect little excretion made them- and thereby, by association, it is perfect too. No matter WHAT it is.

A barf puddle of macaroni and glitter, “it’s a whale!”
oh no the fuck it isn’t.
A piece of paper that’s been crumpled and scribbled carelessly on with a couple of drool stains that if you tilt your head to the right looks like it could be a penis, “It’s you, Mommy!”
say what, now?
Construction paper heart that looks like a nosebleed was smeared all over it with a cracked out Spongebob at the bottom, “Happy Valentine’s day Daddy!”

I think I saw Daddy get a little teary.

No matter what runs through your head, you will smile, be filled with joy and fluttering little butterflies that your perfect little spawn took the time (by time I mean 5 whole seconds) to scribble on a piece of paper JUST FOR YOU, thank the child profusely and proudly display it on your fridge….and then silently wonder where you went wrong.

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Oh just wait until they go to school. The random assortment of “art” they bring home is of mammoth proportions. Oh, if your kids have the same teachers you will also get multiple versions of the same art projects. My advice? Take digital photos of them and throw them away.

  • is it wrong if I thought my child was ,well, not attractive at birth and was overly concerned she would be one of the “ugly” children in her class?? I’m serious. I verbally voiced this to my mother. I asked her if she thought this child was ugly, cause I did! I’m going to hell for that one. Of course 24 hours later she was less swollen and much prettier and was a precious baby, but I swear, it was NOT love at first sight! LOL

  • OMG i have 2 desk drawers and a cupboard FULL of art from school.. not to mention covering my fridge and walls o.O
    i will take Not As Sweet As I Look’s advice from now on