The elusive "Daddy Bragger"

In our time spent as parents, no matter how long or short that time may be- we have ALL come across what I like (or hate) to call “Mommy Braggers”- hell, some of us might even BE a habitual Mommy Bragger. We’ve all fallen into the trap of competing in the Baby Olympics at least once, but then we realize how fucking stupid and petty and ridiculous it is and swear to NEVER do it again… because it’s bitchy and annoying and makes other moms whisper about you behind your back that either you’re snorting baby powder or the placenta you must have eaten drove you mad.

We ALL know your six month old can’t solve a Rubik cube in under 3 minutes. We ALL know your 6 month old can’t do a fucking thing but GNAW on a Rubik cube- WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL??

And even worse than the Mommy Bragger is the Mommy Bragging One-Upper.
The one who, when you randomly let slip your child’s achievement in front of others because you are genuinely proud, automatically thinks it’s a competition and suddenly their child has done the exact same thing, only better.

“My little Timmy got an A on his spelling test today! I’m so proud, he has struggled a long time with spelling so this is really a great step forward for him”
“Oh, well MY little Tabatha got 110 on that same exact test because she not only spelled them correctly in English, but in Spanish too. Isn’t she just amazing? It was so easy for her! I’m thinking of enrolling her in Harvard.”

It’s times like those where you wish you didn’t have so much restrain and a fear of being in jail with a large terrifying woman named “Bear” so that you could punch a bitch in the throat.

Believe it or not, there is something far worse, far more obnoxious, and far more deserving of a punch to the jugular than a Mommy Bragger… and that is the ever-elusive DADDY Bragger.
YES LADIES, they DO exist! BEWARE, and have your good punching fist ready.

I don’t know if it’s that Daddy Braggers are actually MORE obnoxious than their female counterparts, or if it’s the fact that they did not carry their own spawn for (technically) 10 long months like women do, but for SOME reason I just find it infuriating. Especially from those Dads who aren’t at home 24-7 with their children (whether that be choice or not).
Whatever the reason- they are COMPLETELY UNRELENTING in their braggery.

A woman, upon realizing that she cannot prove that her precious is the most beautiful and unique flower in the entire garden will back off, in a huff of course.
A man on the other hand, DOES NOT CARE, as he does not have this wonderful thing called estrogen coursing through his veins that tends to get those of the female persuasion worked into a complete tizzy when things don’t go her way.
And because he does not have this thing called estrogen, he cannot possibly understand the world of hell he is going to bring upon himself by repeatedly poking at it with a stick.

He, instead, even when it is VERY clear to everyone else in the surrounding 5 mile radius, that you are getting pissed-the-fuck-off, will CONTINUE to ramble on and on about his perfect little bundle of snot who can absolutely positively do NO WRONG. EVER. NEVER EVER!  GOD NO, NOT MY CHILD! MY PERFECT CREATION!
Well, OF FUCKING COURSE you think your kid is the fucking shit if you work all the time, do not have estrogen, and never see the evil fucking shit they pull. I even catch Thomas doing it, and it makes my skin crawl.

We ALL think our kids are the best fucking things on the planet, but the majority of us are aware of just how annoying they can be, and in a rational non-man-brain, it tends to equalize, making the bragging ring in at a bare minimum.

I DO NOT CARE how much you love your kid. Really, I don’t. I KNOW you do. You SHOULD. As should we all.

But be fucking realistic for fuck’s sake!  They aren’t perfect. Not all the damn time, I do not care what you say- THEY AREN’T AND WE ALL KNOW IT!
 If they are, you should be concerned for your life and keep one eye open at night because it’s likely they are plotting to suck the life out of you while you sleep.
DO you have a Child of the Corn? No, i’m seriously asking, DO YOU? because that is the only way the level of ridiculousness in the Daddy brag could ever possibly be true.

Now, I realize, between mothers- it will NEVER go away. If you grow a human on your insides, and then spend however much time screaming and forcing them out of your own damn vagina into this world- of course you’re going to think they’re the best damn thing since sliced bread. While I don’t necessarily agree that your 2 year old is a fucking genius, I realize the trend is never going to go away, so instead of a right jab to the throat, I choose not to associate with people who participate in the Child Olympics. It’s better for everyone that way.

But MEN! MEN SERIOUSLY, sit the hell down and read this. STOP. Being proud of your child and bragging to the point of making other people feel like their child is the biggest fuck-up on the face of the earth because you are either insane or cannot possibly see any negative side to your own creation (well, doesn’t that sound familiar? I think I may be onto something).
Back on point- MEN. YOU.MUST.STOP
You know not what you do or what you mess with.

As a mother who has been puked on and at, had to clean up rotten puke from neck folds and the insides of toys; been liquid shit all over, picked boogers and wiped asses, screamed at relentessly for hours on end- EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES PER DAY…. I have to tell you, if you are not a stay at home father- you DO NOT GET IT, and therefore should not brag infront of someone who has a very loose grip on sanity due to the things listed above. Not if you want to live, or continue life with a penis.

Trust me when I say, I am trying to help you and the future of our planet- for if this fuckery continues there are going to be a lot of dickless dudes wandering the planet- and then what good would you be to us?

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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