What is it with us women? We are so fucking fickle. We say over and over again; insist, beg, plead, bitch and moan for ONE thing… and once we get it? We change our minds.
DO NOT LIE Vagina possessors. Don’t do it. You don’t have to admit to it out loud, as I know we all love to have men thinking we know what we want at ALL times and do not change our minds like they do so easily- so you can just nod in agreement, that is all I ask.
As a stay at home mother, especially with children NOT of school age and therefore in no after-school extra curriculars… we ache to get out of the house. I have written I don’t’ even know how many blogs about how I am going to be pulling out the rusty spork if someone does not free me from my gilded mommy cage.
We have enough of the boring monotony of sitting at home- we want to get out, get AWAY get “me time”, get peace and quiet for ONCE IN OUR LIVES CAN SOMEONE JUST PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
And then you get slapped with the busy day and you begin to think perhaps you were insane for shit-talking down-time so much.
Or at least, that’s what happened to me today.
After my recovery period yesterday came to a close, I decided to turn in early because yet again- I had PT at the asscrack of dawn and needed to actually be ABLE to crawl out of bed and not look like a troll. I am still kicking my own ass for deciding to make the appointments as early as humanly possible so the husband unit wouldn’t have to miss so much work. I still have not been rewarded for that random act of kindness.
Before I leave for this appointment, WHAT, praytell, do I notice? Oh, hello vagina! I didn’t know you were bleeding! Thanks for the warning!
So now, I had to leave the house with my uterus in a vice grip and go stretch in front of strangers.. praying not to either shit my pants (period shits, again, DO NOT LIE, you know exactly what I mean) or bleed through them. Those two rank in my top 5 of things NEVER waning to have happen to me in public.
After narrowly escaping public humiliation, I come home and have just enough time to shove food in my face, brew a pot of coffee, and get the kids dressed before it’s time for Parker’s speech therapy- which I am not allowed to be online during or texting throughout as it is frowned upon- not that the kid listens to me anyways.
That lasts an hour and then I have to immediately shovel a snack into the kids before it gets too late and will ruin lunch. They bitch and it lasts longer than usual. CURSE YOU TEDDY GRAHAMS FOR BEING SO FUCKING DELICIOUS!
Once that is done, I can maybe, MAYBE check the internet, get some home-schooling for Holden in, do a little bit of home PT so that I don’t tear out my back later in the day- and it’s time to make lunch.
Make lunch, argue with kids about getting up in the middle of lunch to shit when I TOLD THEM SPECIFICALLY to empty themselves beforehand.
Due to events of the day, lunch runs late, so I then have to force them into submission immediately following lunch.
Spawn one, aka Holden? REFUSES TO NAP. Cue an hour of me fighting with him and I am JUST NOW sitting down to relax.
And later? I’m taking the kids outside since it appears that it is not colder than a witch’s tit but will be tomorrow, and then we are going out to eat with my family for a belated birthday dinner. In a fancy restaurant. With the kids. That ought to be interesting. And by interesting I mean awful.
FUCK BUSY DAYS! I know I said I wanted one, I wanted to get out, I wanted to not be bored out of my skull but damnit… I want my lazy back! I miss my lazy!
Or did I ever have lazy days since reproducing? I’m not sure I know what lazy IS anymore. Not real lazy anyways.
Even on my “down days” where I don’t go anywhere and consider buying stock in the Sporks industry and embroidering smothering pillow… I cannot just sit on my ass and do nothing as those who get to experience the TRUE “lazy” do.
What I wouldn’t give to do that. JUST FOR ONE DAY.
To sleep in past 7:30am, to not deal with anyone needing anything from me, to not hear shrieking and whining and bitching (other than from myself)… but i’m constantly being pulled in every direction.
Mommy let’s play with playdoh! Mommy I have to doodoo! Mommy read to me! The floor needs cleaned before someone breaks their neck. There’s too much piss in the toilet and it stinks so I must clean it. No one has clean clothes so I need to now do 27 loads of laundry. FUCK the dishes from lunch still aren’t done. Did I do my makeup yet? What the hell is for dinner… SHIT I forgot to take something out and now I have to put the meat in hot water. Grocery list.. what do we need…
MOMMY, he hit me! MOMMY he took my toys! MOMMY can you help me with this or that or this other thing that I don’t ever need help with but i’m going to scream at you about it anyways? Can we go outside? I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE. It’s nap time, BUT I’M NOT TIRED! I’m hungry, BUT I DON’T WANT THAT MAKE ME SOMETHING ELSE! Go get it for me! Are the children upstairs? what are they doing upstairs? FUCK now I have to clean the upstairs.
As bored as I may feel, I am never actually TRULY bored.
Moms- we’re fucked either way! I guess we should just learn to suck it up and roll with it, no matter what the day brings….
Did I say that with a straight face?
I much prefer bitching, sorry! (ok, no i’m not)
Get on it, oil people!! pic.twitter.com/xgXSB34uGf
The 10 Funniest Parenting Memes of the Week goo.gl/fb/zLqV6k
Husband (grating cheese): It's just so big and awkward I can't get my hand around it Me: .......... that's what she said #imthematureone
You know you're a mom when your husband sends a text asking what you need from the store & you reply "The only thing I need is sanity."
Me: Man, my toy allergy eyes are bad today Kids: What? Me: Yeah,if I see any of your crap on my floor I'll have a reaction and THROW IT AWAY
@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
Oh, you're really in for it! pic.twitter.com/xXzFxhlxRJ
Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb