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Battle: Dinner

In no shape or form or stretch of the imagination do I consider myself a cook. I don’t even microwave things all that successfully.
Sure, I can whip something up in a flash, but these things usually come with instructions, or as I like to call them “how not to fuck things up”- and as far as variety or creativity goes? The line is usually drawn at adding vegetables to Hamburger Helper.

I love food, don’t get me wrong- LOVE IT, and not even an unhealthy amount, I just appreciate flavor and variety and food that doesn’t taste awful. I find it a pleasurable experience to sit down to a nice meal… not always necessary to have good conversation but if the flavor is awesome- i’m in heaven.
When it comes to MYSELF? I’m more likely to burn something if I don’t know how to make it, haven’t made it before, or it doesn’t come with explicit directions on what to do, when, how long to do it for.

This has lead to quite a bit of trouble in the kitchen. Don’t make a sammich joke here, or I will have to spork you. I can make a MEAN damn sammich. It’s dinner that gets to me. FUCKING DINNER.

Due to my lack of skill near an oven, a cutting board, a blender.. or anything I can’t just shove into a crock pot and walk away (and even THAT is sometimes asking for trouble), I make the same things over and over again. And I do mean OVER.AND.OVER.
I stick to what I know, and what I won’t ruin… and it gets boring, fast. For everyone.

If I don’t know what the hell i’m doing or it’s not quick and convenient, no matter HOW delicious is, the chances of me attempting to make it with two ankle biters whining behind me, next to me, on me, or even in the same room as me- i’m not gonna do it. NO. Just no.

This brings us to the battle. The EVERY night battle we have in this house. Sometimes it’s mild, and we all just throw up white towels an give before there are any casualties, but other nights the gauntlet is thrown, battle axes drawn, and threats of smothering, mutilation and starvation are made.
WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE FOR DINNER?

Seriously… WHAT?!

And why EVERY night do we have this fight? No one can make up their minds. I used to just put it on Holden and he’d come up with the most random (and not often eaten) dish that I just couldn’t say no to and BAM, problem solved, but I think he’s taken a page from his parents’ book and now responds with
“I dunno”- thanks for nothing.
We look in the pantry. We look in the fridge, and then the freezer. Then we go back to the pantry, and then back to the freezer again. We do this over and over again- somehow our minds lead us to believe that we MUST have missed something the last 8 times we checked. SOMETHING new will show up that will solve this never-ending battle of the stomachs. It never does.

We end up all feeling stabby and either going with something mediocre that absolutely no one wants but we’ve wasted so much time arguing and ho-humming that we have no time to make anything better, or we end up going out. My stomach (and possibly thighs) are displeased with the eating out.

It must end! Before I end someone (and I think you know who). We’ve tried meal plans, scheduling meals, making a menu to choose from so we never have to wonder what is even possible with what we have- and there’s always a night we come to something that NO ONE wants, or i’ve forgotten that i’ve used one of the ingredients necessary in one thing in a meal earlier that week. I’ve even made suggestions, and although no one has any BETTER ideas, it gets the “ehhhh I don’t know” response. That is one way, above all other ways, to make a woman go Lorena Bobbit. I now, more than any other time, understand why my Mom would get SO damn pissed about people complaining about dinner, or her cooking, and why I heard more times than I can count “LIKE IT OR LUMP IT!”- meaning eat it or STARVE- because I am at that point… when I can figure out what the hell to make, that is.
I give!

I’m taking the tax return, cancelling the trip to Disney, and hiring a fucking chef!
How’s that for being a problem solver?

Posted on February 27, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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8 Comments

  • I very rarely consult anyone regarding dinner. I just decide what the hell to make and they all eat it or they starve. I refuse to even tell the kids what we are eating until it’s time to sit down and eat it. I’m mean like that, but I also cook stuff and freeze it for future meals and I plan out my menu.

  • LMAO!!! That’s why I choose to believe Chef-Boy-ardee’s nutritional information, even when I know it’s bogus!!

  • I guess I got off kinda lucky…as long as there is gravy involved they will eat damn near ANYTHING..its deciding where to go when we eat out that starts a battle

  • My favorite go to’s
    1) blt’s w/cheese
    2) crispy chicken salad w/cheese
    3) Italian chicken tenders turned into parm on rolls
    4) home made hamburger helper

  • I swear by the books that tell you how to disguise healthy foods in not-so-healthy favorites. (Sneaky Chef is pretty good but I prefer the line of Deceptively Delicious and its sequel books, no worrying about those stupid make ahead purees) “Meatloaf AGAIN? Ok…Why don’t you play for a few minutes extra and I will call you when it is ready?” Meanwhile I am busy adding in chopped or pureed spinach, whatever other veggies are waiting to go into a meal, using lean beef and maybe even a little turkey instead of the ready made ones that come with triple the fat content and only a fraction of the nutritional value. Best of all: IT EVEN APPLIES TO DESSERTS!!! While I wouldn’t serve pie for dinner every night but on holidays when everyone is too excited to eat decently anyway, at least they are getting something good out of their “treats.”

  • this isn’t isn’t so much with GETTING them to eat, especially not healthy (they love veggies, go fig)- it’s just deciding WHAT to make. drives me bananas.

  • I can relate and I’m always stuck with I don’t know or I don’t care then when it’s made I hear I don’t want that or we just had that not to long ago. I finally went to Facebook and asked for new recipes and just made a group for people to add quick easy recipes and some of them are really good and easy..I use to be like you and not able to cook without good directions now I’m able to make just about anything.

  • Lol I gotta agree with you there I always get I don’t know babe I don’t care or whatever sounds good to you. Then when I saywhat sounds good to me it always ends up with a ughhh I don’t want that. Thats why I asked fucker…