Tonight’s post is a guest blog by the FANTASTICALLY funny PaRANThood.
If you haven’t checked out her blog or Facebook page, I suggest you do, right now… or after you read the following post!
5 “Firsts” We’d Rather Forget, But Just Can’t.
Baby’s first step, first hair cut, first words, first tooth. These are all moments that we as parents relish. We WAIT for these moments and even commemorate them in brag books, scrap books, and video diaries. They are signifiers of time, milestones in our childrens growth and development both physical and psychological. “Experts”even have gone as far as to pinpoint at what ages you can expect to see such firsts….. just another example of a bunch of bullshit to make moms feel bad or as though they’re child is abnormal. You know normal mommy injustices.
So, yes, these firsts are quite darling and make for a really cute picture… but if you know me, you know I’m all about commiseration of shit.
1.The First Time Your Baby Chooses DADDY Over YOU
You can’t believe it. The same child you sacrificed your whole body for. The same child, for many of us, whose mouth has been stuck to your tit since birth. The same child YOU got up with in the middle of the night a BILLION times to rock and hush and hold in order to lull back to sleep… you feel betrayed and hurt… you can’t really understand it….who the hell is this miniature TRAITOR!?
Looks cute now but at the time, you kinda wanna punch ’em both in the face…
2.Your child’s first BLOODY Injury
You don’t really realize just how this moment is going to effect you until it happens. There ARE a couple of words that pop in to my mind though, like TERROR, PANIC and SEVERE DURESS. Of course you suspected at some point this would happen, but to see your child bloody in any way for the first time can throw you for quite a doozy. It usually happens one of two ways. You got your classic:
Look familiar? Not the elephant part… just the knee part.. although…….
3. First Stomach Bug
Now, if your kid is over one and you still haven’t dealt with this, consider yourself DAMN LUCKY.
You know, there are people you may have known, or have seen on TV that have been around a dead body. Well, I myself haven’t but I have heard the same thing come out of several people’s
Yup, this’ll be you! Only difference? No one will give a rat’s ass.
4.Baby’s First Shoplift
So there you are, once again with the stroller in the baby supply store (it seems the only place you go to nowadays) and you’re browsing around. Your kid is fussing and being snarky so you hand them some kind of knick-knack to keep him quiet. You pick up a couple of pairs of socks, maybe some bibs and some kind of feeding contraption that looks really fucking cool but turns out to be yet another useless piece of shit that you feel guilty about chucking. (Why did I do that again???) You pay for your stuff get half way home only to realize you kid has sill got that $5.00-$10.00 knick-knack in his slimy little drooly hands… SHIT! What do you do?? Do you go back? He already drooled all over it and now they’ll just make youbuy it…
5. Baby’s First Playground Pummel
This is my final first. Not because I don’t have a MILLION more, but because nap time’s almost over.
So you’re in the playground AGAIN watching as your kids crawls, wobbles or stomps through every dirty puddle she can find, completely disregarding any and all equipment specifically designed to engage her. Finally choosing the nastiest puddle, she stops. Up comes another cute little girl around the same age equally drawn to the same disgusting puddle. You turn to see her mother approach and smile.
So, remember, you may not want to remember them, but it’s these shitty firsts that help us keep it all in perspective!
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.