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What the acorn is going on here?- the saga of cursing

It’s been a battle ever since Holden was born to hold my foul little tongue. I’m honestly not quite sure why I turned out as filthy minded, and even more filthy mouthed as I did- but I have to say- I enjoy it immensely.
Unfortunately, it’s considered bad etiquette and improper parenting to go all FUCKSHITCUNT in front of your children while they are still of an impressionable age.

The past few years have been an uphill battle to curb the seemingly never-ending stream of profanity that used to flow from my mouth on a daily basis- I mean, really- some things just REQUIRE a “FUCK”- it’s at times nearly impossible to resist, and I won’t lie and say that I don’t slip (often)- but i’ve come up with sort of a system of replacement words… when i’m thinking enough about what i’m saying before I say it (not usually).

The children should really be happy about my modified cursewords. Instead of calling them assholes all the time- I have watered it down to “spazhole”- and isn’t that much more fitting anyways?
When i’m really conscious of my mouth, and I mean REALLY conscious, I replace “fuck” with “fart” and the ever-popular “damnit” with “dangit”- yes, it most certainly does make me feel like an elementary schooler, but sometimes we have to sacrifice for our children… and as much as I didn’t want to, I sacrificed a couple of fucks.

In the act of full disclosure, though, I do have to tell you (as if it hasn’t already been implied in this very blog) that I DO in fact curse in front of them. Yes, yes I do. It’s a sick compulsion. It’s like picking my nose- I can’t NOT do it.
Regardless of my lack of restraint, I am very proud of Holden’s. We’ve taught him pretty well about what words only ADULTS can say and what words he is allowed to say… but we all know how kids are. The allure of “no” is oftentimes too strong to resist, but Holden has been using word replacement for a long time now.

At first it started out pretty cute.

“What the poop?”
“I don’t give a fart!”


How can you resist giggling at that, especially when tumbling out of the mouth of a 3 year old?

My new personal favorites are:
“aw nuts!”
and
“What the acorn is going on in here??”

I suppose the alternative could be much worse but occasionally he gets too close for comfort to the real thing.
It seems now that any time he gets really mad at something (generally a toy that isn’t functioning the way he’d like)- he yells at the top of his lungs
“DANGIT!” or on some occasions “DARNIT!”
which I KNOW he learned from me and my word replacement. It’s funny he won’t repeat the REAL things, because he knows his ass will be done for, when he even CONSIDERS in that giant round head of his saying a 4-letter word.. he stops in his tracks and bleeps himself. “What the…..” and then he’ll look at me- maybe to see if i’m going to yell at him, maybe to see if I have a look on my face that says ‘yea, i’ll let you get away with it, just this once’– I never do, so he never does…but he’ll repeat the fake ones until he’s blue in the face. Maybe I should have just stuck with FUCK in the first place and he’d have stuck with “what the poop?”

Don’t get me wrong, I have always and will always LOVE cursewords, but there is an age appropriate issue going on.
I certainly don’t want to get a call home from Holden’s kindergarten teacher saying that Holden called some little girl a “vapid cunt” because she wouldn’t share her crayons.
That’ll be the fucking day!

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 10 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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10 Comments

  • I love this! I have a hard time censoring myself around my children…although I try to do my best! So I did the same, taught my children those are ADULT words and my kids refuse to say them. Or at least my younger two..the 10 year old is getting ballsy! And I know all about that look when you here “what the…”! I still get it all the time. I find teachers who are already parents are very understanding about certain things!

  • I had to fight to regain my breath after FUCKSHITCUNT…and vapid cunt is my all time favorite insult. You are pure entertainment <3

  • oh shit! HAHAHA! thanks!

  • I swear in front of my kids, too. I always have. My girls are 22 & 20 and my son is 8. My girls swear now but when they were younger (and my son, now), they knew what not to say. I don’t apologize for it and I won’t stop. If I ever stop, God help the person that pisses me the fuck off because I’m going to hurt them!

    True story: Last year at the circus, I entered a contest on a whim. Just before intermission, they drew a winner and called my name. My initial reaction was to loudly yell, “Shit the FUCK UP!”. My boyfriend (at the time) looked at me with a shocked look on his face as parents of small children glared at me. Oops! Oh right, bitches…like your kid’s never heard it before!! LMAO!!

  • ROFLMAO! Potty mouth!!! 🙂

  • Emry has picked up on my cursing too…. It happens…. I can’t STOP cursing either…

    One day, I swear he was going to scream WTF at me… and instead it went like this, “WHAT THE…*silent pause* MARBLES!?”
    And then he stared at me. Waiting to see if I was going to freak that he almost cursed.
    I laughed so hard I cried.
    We now have “what the marbles or what the MORNING!”

    rofl.

  • My 3 yr old walked up to my babysitters father and asked him “what the shit, Grampy?”.. I nearly died. I swear (literally)!

  • I don’t know if you saw it or not, but on The Mother Of All Road Trips this year, we had what we refer to as The Great Flying Boulder Incident. Long story short, a boulder fell out of the back of a dump truck in front of us and slammed into the front end of my van. Sarah was in the passenger seat, and I screamed “FUCK!!!” at the top of my lungs as we hit it (I seriously thought we were dead).

    After the initial shock wore off and we were back on the road again, I looked at Sarah and said “I’m sorry for what I said earlier” (she gets on me for even saying “crap”) and she looked at me and said “it’s ok Mom, in situations like that, it’s forgivable”. I just laughed and told her that honestly, had she said it at the same time, it would have been ok.

  • Love this!!!! needed this laugh!!!

  • My two year old in thevmiddle of lunch with my parents and 4 of their friends yelled fuck! Everyone stopped talking and looked at her…she just glared at them then she said it again real snappy and quick then yelled $uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk. Everyone burst out laughing….I wanted to crawl under the table and cry. Definately felt like the wields first mother.