It’s been a battle ever since Holden was born to hold my foul little tongue. I’m honestly not quite sure why I turned out as filthy minded, and even more filthy mouthed as I did- but I have to say- I enjoy it immensely.
Unfortunately, it’s considered bad etiquette and improper parenting to go all FUCKSHITCUNT in front of your children while they are still of an impressionable age.
The past few years have been an uphill battle to curb the seemingly never-ending stream of profanity that used to flow from my mouth on a daily basis- I mean, really- some things just REQUIRE a “FUCK”- it’s at times nearly impossible to resist, and I won’t lie and say that I don’t slip (often)- but i’ve come up with sort of a system of replacement words… when i’m thinking enough about what i’m saying before I say it (not usually).
The children should really be happy about my modified cursewords. Instead of calling them assholes all the time- I have watered it down to “spazhole”- and isn’t that much more fitting anyways?
When i’m really conscious of my mouth, and I mean REALLY conscious, I replace “fuck” with “fart” and the ever-popular “damnit” with “dangit”- yes, it most certainly does make me feel like an elementary schooler, but sometimes we have to sacrifice for our children… and as much as I didn’t want to, I sacrificed a couple of fucks.
In the act of full disclosure, though, I do have to tell you (as if it hasn’t already been implied in this very blog) that I DO in fact curse in front of them. Yes, yes I do. It’s a sick compulsion. It’s like picking my nose- I can’t NOT do it.
Regardless of my lack of restraint, I am very proud of Holden’s. We’ve taught him pretty well about what words only ADULTS can say and what words he is allowed to say… but we all know how kids are. The allure of “no” is oftentimes too strong to resist, but Holden has been using word replacement for a long time now.
At first it started out pretty cute.
“What the poop?”
“I don’t give a fart!”
How can you resist giggling at that, especially when tumbling out of the mouth of a 3 year old?
My new personal favorites are:
“What the acorn is going on in here??”
I suppose the alternative could be much worse but occasionally he gets too close for comfort to the real thing.
It seems now that any time he gets really mad at something (generally a toy that isn’t functioning the way he’d like)- he yells at the top of his lungs
“DANGIT!” or on some occasions “DARNIT!”
which I KNOW he learned from me and my word replacement. It’s funny he won’t repeat the REAL things, because he knows his ass will be done for, when he even CONSIDERS in that giant round head of his saying a 4-letter word.. he stops in his tracks and bleeps himself. “What the…..” and then he’ll look at me- maybe to see if i’m going to yell at him, maybe to see if I have a look on my face that says ‘yea, i’ll let you get away with it, just this once’– I never do, so he never does…but he’ll repeat the fake ones until he’s blue in the face. Maybe I should have just stuck with FUCK in the first place and he’d have stuck with “what the poop?”
Don’t get me wrong, I have always and will always LOVE cursewords, but there is an age appropriate issue going on.
I certainly don’t want to get a call home from Holden’s kindergarten teacher saying that Holden called some little girl a “vapid cunt” because she wouldn’t share her crayons.
That’ll be the fucking day!
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.