Before my children came screaming into this world, I did what most parents do- made all kinds of ridiculous promises of the things I wasn’t going to do/be/say as a parent.
ONLY educational programming like Baby Einstein. We’ll do crafts every day! No cursing around them, EVER! Only healthy food at all times, no junk food and no candy! I won’t let them whine until they come into bed with me- I will put my foot DOWN! I won’t ever give in to their insane demands! I will never let my kids play with toy weapon of any sort! I won’t EVER let them use a pacifier or suck their thumb! I won’t let my kid be a picky eater, they will eat what I eat- EVERY meal!
And like a new years resolution- it didn’t take long for me to break nearly every single one of those. We want to be so awesome as parents before we ARE parents and know the sheer insanity that it is, that we actually think these things can be avoided.
To some? Ok, sure, maybe you have the willpower and restraint of a saint- but for most of us… on some days.. it’s just easier to give the fuck in and get some much needed peace and quiet than worry about the extra 20 minutes of TV the kids are watching and how it will effect their future endeavors to become the President of the United States.
I thought i’d done pretty good with Holden in the food department (even if nothing else)- as he is quite possibly the least picky eater on the face of the earth. A child who will literally eat ANYTHING and loves vegetables (yes even the green ones)… and then we were graced with Parker.
As has been detailed monumentally in this blog, he got very sick at 3 months old, and due to that sickness developed an extreme aversion to food. So extreme that we didn’t even get him off of baby food until he was over a year and a half old.
There went my dreams of not turning into a short-order-cook, at the whim of a toddler who just so happens to be the pickiest eater on the planet. There are more things on the list of things he won’t eat than will, and some he will only eat under certain circumstances on certain days of the week under partially cloudy skies (ok, not really, but to those with picky eaters, i’m sure it sometimes feels that way).
Little dude says absolutely NOT to real bacon, but bacon bits he hoovers up.
Banana bread? My delicious home made banana bread? You’d think I was trying to kill him, until I told him it was like a cookie made from bananas, and then he stole it from me and ate it faster than I could blink.
He refuses to eat any kind of chicken (or really meat in general), but he clucks at it and asks for it constantly. Yes, i’m going to waste my time making you something I know you won’t touch! Actually.. I will.. and then kick my own ass for it.
He hates icecream, and not just hates it, but LOATHES it. WHO THE FUCK HATES ICECREAM? Not even people allergic to dairy hate icecream, but my picky eater does.
The only kind of sandwich he’ll go anywhere near is a peanut butter and jelly- and he won’t eat it himself, you have to feed it to him. Any other kind of sandwich and he’ll look at you cross-eyed.
If the old saying of “you are what you eat” is even remotely true, he will turn into a fucking noodle, because 75% of his dinners are noodles since he refuses to have dinner with us and as much as i’d like to put my foot down and rule with an iron fist- letting your kid go hungry is slightly frowned upon in modern society.
It took him so long to even touch food without gagging (and gagging HARD), though, that much to my dismay, and no matter how many times I said i’d NEVER EVER DO IT (and meant it), that I now have to take on the role of short order cook and make him whatever the fuck he wants because as long as he eats, we are happy.
Sometimes i’m so happy, yet so afraid when he tries something new that I turn away and pretend i’m not watching just so he doesn’t spit it out because he notices that i’m staring at him like a knife wielding stalker. Yes, it’s that serious.
I suppose if i’ve gone ahead broken my parenting resolutions, I should at least make good use of the “skills” I have picked up along the way.
I’m not sure what us parents of picky eaters will do with our new-found lightning speed to whip something up in the kitchen to appease the beast refusing what everyone else is having for dinner. Go on one of those timed cooking competitions? Work in fast food (fast food that is ACTUALLY fast and not just claims to be)?
No no, neither of those will do…I don’t think any of us will want to become chefs, as cooking food is no longer fun but more like laborious torture..
I guess if worse comes to worse, we can just blame our husbands- seeing as how they contribute half of the genes in our childrens pools- and OF COURSE they don’t get the picky, stubborn, or assholish ones from us- therefore us breaking our parenting resolutions- the ones we KNEW we would hold strong to no matter WHAT- is their fault.
I most certainly am not a picky eater. Just sayin’
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