Let’s not go all Mayan apocalypse in this bitch. I’m superstitious but even THAT is a far stretch to me… but to say that 2012 has been off to a seemingly world-ending start would be an understatement. I do not have much time to type, and soon you will know why, but I wanted to come here and shake my fucking fist before it’s too late.
When Holden came down with the stomach flu on the very last day of 2011, I figured it was just one more show of dominance from a suck-ass year. One last final power-strike to say “yeah, you were my bitch all year, don’t forget about me!”
Going out with a bang. I don’t like it, but I had to respect the level of whore 2011 was.
I figured once that ball dropped, all would be right with the world again. That dumb-ass year would be OVER and there would be NOTHING she could do about it. 2012 was going to take the hell over… and for SOME stupid reason I had it in my head that it was going to be a positive year. Derp.
Not even 5 minutes into the new year and I heard a thump coming from upstairs. I wait to see if i’m going to decide it’s a child (Holden had finally stopped puking, but with the stomach flu… sometimes it can come back with a vengeance once you fall asleep) or another unexplainable when I see Parker at the bottom of the stairs… completely caked from head to toe in vomit. Chunky, stinky vomit.
Fan-fucking-tastic. What a way to ring in the new year!
About 20 minutes later, we got the kid back to bed and braced ourselves for the worst. You never know quite how bad the flu is going to affect any particular person. For ME? I ALWAYS get it, and I ALWAYS get it the worst. Everyone else gets a tummy ache and I spend 15 hours sweating, crying, and puking my intestines out through my nose.
Parker didn’t get up again until the sun had risen, but when he did, you guessed it- caked in vomit. Him, the bed, his stuffed animals, EVERYTHING. EVERYWHERE. I have no idea how long he’d been sleeping in it. WHO DOESN’T GET UP WHEN THEY PUKE OTHER THAN DRUNK FRAT BOYS???
The rest of the day went as follows: fighting, more fighting, food refusal, nausea, no puke, no eating, more fighting.
And then today, second day of this brand new year- who hops aboard the puke-train? Yep. Thomas. And I shared his damn drink at lunch.
Let me tell you, there’s nothing less attractive than vomiting. Especially loud vomiting.
And the sound of unattractive loud vomiting started making me want to vomit… and that’s where I am now. Praying to the Mayan Gods to let the puke SKIP OVER ME THIS YEAR! Wasn’t puking and uncontrollable diarrhea on my birthday last year ENOUGH??
I don’t want to get all doom-and-gloom; a lot of people are telling me “well, you’re getting the bad out of the way now” and “it can only go up from here” and all I can think is.. I FUCKING HOPE SO! Because I swear to the winter solstice apocalypse if it gets any worse i’ll blow up the earth my damn self.
Two big fat middle fingers to you, stupid new year.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj