As parents, we learn over time what works and doesn’t work with our kids. What they like to eat and what they absolutely can’t stand and act like is killing them and don’t we DARE ever make it again; How long it takes them to go to sleep and what helps them get knocked the hell out faster; what types of things set them off spinning into a face melting tantrum… and of course, there are some things we NEVER figure out (like the appeal of putting plastic bags over their own heads or completely covering every bit of bare skin on their bodies with stickers).
Personally, I find one of the most important lessons (and one of the hardest ones to learn and stick with) is learning to choose your battles wisely. Ohhh because there will be SO MANY, and after time you begin to figure out… some just aren’t worth fighting, and that you should really only pulling out the “Mom Card” when absolutely necessary.
If you have spawned children from your nethers (or had them cut out of you), you know what a Mom Card is.
It’s that particular face with a particular scowl and that specific tone of voice we pull out of our pocket, that when we use them all together, our kids KNOW we mean fucking business.
Even sometimes if the kid does something REALLY FUCKING FUNNY, like let a curse word slip in public, or smack daddy over the head with a plastic hammer, a Mom Card usage is necessary… because technically, it’s not supposed to be funny. Put that face on and your foot down.
BUT– and I say that with emphasis- we have to use our Mom Cards very very wisely.
Pull it out too much, too often- and it becomes old, worn and COMPLETELY loses its effect.
What the hell is the point of giving yourself wrinkles with that “I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND” face if it isn’t even going to work??
The day your Mom Card gets declined by your bundle of asshole is not a day you want to be greeted with.
It has been an uphill battle for me not to bitch over every annoying and obnoxious thing they kids do. Things that COULD deserve a wicked bitching, but just aren’t worth it because of the juice on my Mom Card i’d waste over it.
Holden wants to wear his pants backwards in public? FUCK IT, let your freak flag fly! Don’t be surprised if I call you Kris Kross though. And yes, i’m fully aware you’ll have no idea what that means.
Parker deciding to wear a jacket over his hoodie indoors… without any pants on? Let’s just call it a fashion statement.
You say you want to get your hands completely fucking filthy by eating pizza crust first (even though it’s not stuffed crust)? Well… as long as you’re eating.
You want to sing at the absolute top of your fucking lungs the same gibberish song along with dancing like a cracked-out maniac to the Leaptop for an hour straight? Go for it, you’ll sleep better tonight.
Those… as much as the bitchy hovering annoyed and frustrated Mom part of me wants to bitch and yell STFU… I don’t. It’s just not worth it!
I am saving all of the juice on my Mom Card for the more serious matters that will need the most impact they can get: thumb sucking, nap battles, toy throwing and fist fighting!
I’m going to need an overabundance, I already know it. I’m going to max out my mom card and be fucked when it comes to the teenage years. For my current sanity’s sake… it will be worth it, though I may have to take out a loan later.
10 Going on 20: The Spicy Chicken Story goo.gl/fb/qqm3FZ
'Tis the season to return a gift given to you and have the uncontrollable urge to buy more crap for your kids with the money.
😂😂😂 I never knew we had so much in common pic.twitter.com/Yu4ytvgmOp
Did you know that toothpaste becomes stronger than concrete if left on surfaces for too long? I didn't either. Thanks, kids!
Y'all can keep your creepy little elves- my kids live in fear of the PRESENT PRISON. holdinholden.com/2014/12/the-…
Cut Yourself some Christmas Slack goo.gl/fb/4WVJe2
My day as a parent isn't complete until I've threatened to sell at least one of my children on the black market. Twice. At least.