Playing the "Mom Card"

As parents, we learn over time what works and doesn’t work with our kids. What they like to eat and what they absolutely can’t stand and act like is killing them and don’t we DARE ever make it again; How long it takes them to go to sleep and what helps them get knocked the hell out faster; what types of things set them off spinning into a face melting tantrum… and of course, there are some things we NEVER figure out (like the appeal of putting plastic bags over their own heads or completely covering every bit of bare skin on their bodies with stickers).

Personally, I find one of the most important lessons (and one of the hardest ones to learn and stick with) is learning to choose your battles wisely. Ohhh because there will be SO MANY, and after time you begin to figure out… some just aren’t worth fighting, and that you should really only pulling out the “Mom Card” when absolutely necessary.

If you have spawned children from your nethers (or had them cut out of you), you know what a Mom Card is.
It’s that particular face with a particular scowl and that specific tone of voice we pull out of our pocket, that when we use them all together, our kids KNOW we mean fucking business.

Even sometimes if the kid does something REALLY FUCKING FUNNY, like let a curse word slip in public, or smack daddy over the head with a plastic hammer, a Mom Card usage is necessary… because technically, it’s not supposed to be funny. Put that face on and your foot down.

BUT– and I say that with emphasis- we have to use our Mom Cards very very wisely.
Pull it out too much, too often- and it becomes old, worn and COMPLETELY loses its effect.
What the hell is the point of giving yourself wrinkles with that “I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND” face if it isn’t even going to work??

The day your Mom Card gets declined by your bundle of asshole is not a day you want to be greeted with.

It has been an uphill battle for me not to bitch over every annoying and obnoxious thing they kids do. Things that COULD deserve a wicked bitching, but just aren’t worth it because of the juice on my Mom Card i’d waste over it.

Holden wants to wear his pants backwards in public? FUCK IT, let your freak flag fly! Don’t be surprised if I call you Kris Kross though. And yes, i’m fully aware you’ll have no idea what that means.

Parker deciding to wear a jacket over his hoodie indoors… without any pants on? Let’s just call it a fashion statement.

You say you want to get your hands completely fucking filthy by eating pizza crust first (even though it’s not stuffed crust)? Well… as long as you’re eating.

You want to sing at the absolute top of your fucking lungs the same gibberish song along with dancing like a cracked-out maniac to the Leaptop for an hour straight? Go for it, you’ll sleep better tonight.

Those… as much as the bitchy hovering annoyed and frustrated Mom part of me wants to bitch and yell STFU… I don’t. It’s just not worth it!

I am saving all of the juice on my Mom Card for the more serious matters that will need the most impact they can get: thumb sucking, nap battles, toy throwing and fist fighting!
I’m going to need an overabundance, I already know it. I’m going to max out my mom card and be fucked when it comes to the teenage years. For my current sanity’s sake… it will be worth it, though I may have to take out a loan later.

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 6 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Oh My Damn! This was funny! Kris Kross will make you jump! My son likes to wear his crappy sweat pants with his Sunday best button down and some sandels. I used to hate it, but now Im like oh fucking well at least you are dressed!

  • LOL! It is so true. I still do this with my 10 year old because seriously some battles just are not worth the grey hair they result in.

    You want to wear broken shoes to school. Oh well I told you, if you trip and kiss the cement with your face, well then you’ll learn.

    You don’t want to bring a jacket after being told it was cold out, well then it sucks to be you… told you it was cold.

    You want to wear a much too small poncho as a skirt, over jeans, with a shirt that doesn’t match… eh whatever! If you wind up on peopleofwalmart it just provides more blackmail for me later on.

    I’m saving my mom card for the teenage years because I have a feeling they will be so much hell!

  • I love your blogs! I am a young mom! Twenty with a four year old son! I am not a partier nor do I rarely ever ever hang out with friends! I grew up very fast! I learned alot from my older sister and mom! But now that my son is 4 and is learning a lot and picking up on EVERYTHING I can relate to you a lot! And you speak the truth, with a comical twist I love it!!

  • Lmfao! O boy I think I need a loan on my mom card .. I did all this when they were little! No one fücken told me they were hell on wheels as teens!

  • first national bank of mommy… I fear may be dry 😉

  • Hi! Love your FB page and blog. This is my first comment to your blog, but as a Mom of a 17yo girl and an 11 yo boy I had to post.
    The Mommy card WILL be exhausted, and the International Bank of Mom’s will deny you loans after your crumb snatchers reach the tender age of 13-14, maybe 15 if you are lucky. I haven’t seen my Mom card since my daughter was about 12. Unfortunately I had my revoked. Princess was gifted with intelligence, wit and the uncanny ability to manipulate. Go figure, she is a woman in training! 😉

    The key to getting through the teen years is simple: Alcohol. Preferably for you and NOT the teen. Teens and alcohol make you want to rob all other Moms of their Mom card and bitch slap your teenager with the stolen cards.

    As much as I love my children, there are days when the “look” just doesn’t cut it. Neither do the threats of taking anything away. So I resorted to a new tactic. One I swore I would never use: LUNACY.

    Yup. I go bat shit crazy, and that’s when it dawns on them that they have pushed me to the edge and they aren’t quite sure what I will do. One day at a restaurant the two were arguing and hitting each other (yes this was recently) and I lowered my voice and told them that if they didn’t cut it out I was going to cut them with the steak knife. I know the look on my face was one to rival Jack Nicholson in the Shining, and guess what? They stopped. Almost immediately.

    So the moral of the story. Crazy is as Crazy does. 🙂 Good Luck!