Every day following the birth of my children, I have felt not only my sanity, but the capacity at which my brain functions slowly slipping farther and farther away. I’ve tried that brain-age shit, i’m not sure it does anything but frustrate me.
Every day I seem to lose a little more of my brain. I don’t know where it’s going, but I hope wherever it is, it’s being put to good use.
It’s been nearly 4.5 years since Holden, and 2.5 since Parker. I can no longer blame it on post-partum brain, can I? The fluffy loose-skinned tummy skin I will always blame on them (and maybe laziness too), damn kids, but can I blame the deterioration of my smarts??
Back when the children had just been expelled from my insides, I liked to call it “post-preggo brain.”
As mothers, we are all aware of the level of ultimate-DUH we can reach while expanding due to the growth of a miniature human inside of us. I liked to believe that in order to develop their tiny little brains, we had to sacrifice a little bit of ours (ok… maybe a lot). Once they tore our nethers apart and re-lit the vacancy sign of our uterus, slowly, we wouldn’t have so many brain-fart moments. And over time, we’d be back to our incredibly smart and charming selves (even if our hair was frazzled from hours of repeated attempts to rip it out). And witty, don’t forget witty (although I almost did).
Over time talking to other Mothers, we have all come to the stark realization that it NEVER really comes back. Not all the way. Try as you might, deny it all you want- but deep down you know that the pause between witty retorts, extreme forgetfulness, the filter we once had to talk about ANYTHING other than children and diarrhea, and DUH moments after kids are far more frequent than before.
Yesterday I searched for something for a good 30 minutes. I swore to the sweet baby jeebus husband had took it with him, I just KNEW he took it!!! And I proceeded to get incredibly stabby with him.
Found it in my pocket 4 hours later; the pocket i’d checked at least a dozen times in a fit of rage.
Do you ever hear one annoying toy make noises so fucking much that even when it’s off you STILL think you can hear it? I do. All.the.time
They say hearing your phone ring when it isn’t is the first sign of insanity- but what about children’s toys??
What did I have for dinner last night? eeehhh…errrrrrr…..
yeah, no damn idea. I forget. Give me a few minutes and I might be able to remember.
Diminished capacity for adult conversation? Check. I go out so infrequently and attempt holding conversation with adults other than my husband even less that most of the time I don’t even know how any more. It certainly makes for embarrassing situations when you walk away from a conversation KNOWING those bastards are thinking “what the fuck happened to her?”
I walk into a room with a specific purpose and within 5 seconds have completely forgot what that purpose is. Some days I remember it a few minutes later; if i’m REALLY lucky i’ll remember before I leave the room… but most days? I never remember what the hell I was doing in there in the first place.
Name Flubbing- something my Dad used to do (and does more often the older he gets) that I swore i’d NEVER do. He calls me by my step mothers name, calls my kids by other family members names- and is probably one of the only things he does that drives me absolutely insane… and I am ashamed to admit that now, I do it too. Holden is Parker, Parker is Holden- they both look at me like i’m a complete idiot.
What day of the week is it? Fuck if I know. I hope it’s Friday or I might lose what VERY little is left of my mind.
I’ve begun to wonder (as much as I can without straining myself) if i’ll know when I slip from preggo brain into age related dementia. With the way things are going, it will likely be a smooth and completely unnoticeable transition. I won’t even admit to how long this blog took to put together, but i’m sure you can assume it wasn’t fast.
People may say Spongebob rots kids brains, but KIDS rot my brain.
That’s my story, and i’m sticking to it…. until I forget I wrote this, that is.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj