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NO, i’m not smarter than a 5th grader

You don’t need to put me on a TV show in front of the entire country for me to know whether or not i’d beat a 5th grader on a game show. The answer is NO. Fuck no! I’ve been out of school for too long, done too many things that have killed probably half of my braincells (um, hello? children!), meanwhile they are having knowledge crammed into their ever-absorbing brains every single day.

NO, i’m not smarter than a 5th grader… and on most days lately, i’ve been getting out-smarted by a 4 year old. How’s that for a kick in the pants?

You go through 10 months of hell and however many hours of pure unadulterated hell bringing them into this world, and then they make you feel like a complete idiot by their 4th year on this planet. Way to bite the hand that feeds you!

Long gone are the days where Holden could be easily outsmarted and outwitted because he was too slow to come back with anything other than
“but…. but…..but….”
He now uses an array of different tactics to get what he wants, or to get out of trouble- and a lot of times I have trouble arguing with him because DAMNIT, he makes too much sense.

On his first attempt, he will try what I look to call “Whore Logic”

What is WHORE LOGIC, you say??


Whore Logic


Redefining the parameters of a situation to justify an awful action or to claim something as true that is patently untrue, usually in order to preserve your image in the face of others
Her typical Whore Logic convinces her that her life is ok.

“I’ve only slept with four guys…if you don’t count vacation sex, one night stands, drunk sex I don’t remember, or those guys I don’t like anymore.”

Whores and small children, who knew they had so much in common?? EVERYTHING is ok if you can just put a spin on it.
No, I didn’t push Parker on purpose! I did it because he was looking at me the wrong way and I was trying to get him to look at something else! Nevermind the fact that he wasn’t looking at me and wanted nothing to do with me and I shoved him just to be an asshole and you witnessed me doing it. 


Yup, good old fashioned whore logic. It’s just too bad for him that I never ever fall for it.

When that inevitably fails- he goes on to attempting to argue his case, which he has become rather good at.

Case in point: He wanted to take his indoor toys to play outside. Things that would likely get ruined if shoved into dirt and smeared across grass. I, of course, told him absolutely not- because inside toys stay INSIDE. His response?
“Well, at the end of Toy Story 3, that girl and that boy play with inside toys outside and it was ok!”


Touche, you evil little genius! I had absolutely no response to that, because he was completely right… and because I was amazed that he outsmarted me and even had a reference to back him up. But I still said no.

When this happens, when even his outsmarting doesn’t work, he pulls out the trump card. He does the one thing he knows will either get him exactly what he wants, or immediately diffuse whatever situation is about to get his ass handed to him.
He uses a jedi-mind trick.
That’s right, I said it.

On one particular day, he was on my nerves moreso than he is on a typical day. At one point, I caught him STARING at me. Just staring at me. Putting that whole “i’m a little kid and many adults find that terrifying” concept to good use. Being that I had already had my fill of his shenanigans for the day, I snapped at him


‎”Why are you STARING at me?”


And he comes back with the ultimate mind-fuck

“Because… nobody stares at anybody when they stare”

Instantly, I felt calm. In fact, I couldn’t even remember what I was mad about in the first place. He beat me. The little shit finally won.
If he is this good at 4 years old, I am terrified for what the teenage years have in store for me.
Posted on January 11, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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2 Comments

  • I was at the bank with my 4 and 5 year old boys. The little pixie stick addicts were not obeying me very well. The oldest one asked for a sucker I responded that if they can be quiet for 10 seconds, i would give them a sucker. Without missing a beat, my oldest comes back with… “but if i have a sucker in my mouth, that will keep me quiet” im screwed, i am SO screwed