Every weekend it’s the same old shit. It never fails.
I’ve been cooped up all week long with two whiny kids and I am ACHING to get the hell out of the house. I swear multiple times during the day that if I don’t get out I will absolutely lose my damn mind. And I can’t afford to lose that sad strained little thing. It’s kind of important to keep it around, y’know, ’cause otherwise all my kids will see is a drooling pants shitting dumbass and I am attempting to break them of all three of those things.
While a lot of weekends I don’t look forward to Thomas being home 2 days in a row because he starts to irritate the piss out of me (what can I say, I get stabby)- but it’s also nice because it means I can actually GO OUT. With them, mind you, but OUT. Taking the kids out by myself during the week with chronic back pain is ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, so the weekend is my hail mary, my dash for the end-zone, sprint for the exit. And I like to take full advantage by this to finding SOMETHING to do outside of the house. I don’t care what the fuck it is- but i’d better be doing it.
In typical child fashion, the kids find a way to throw a wrench in my plans to not be home. How? NAP TIME. Fucking.nap.time
I love nap time. I REALLY LOVE NAPTIME. It’s like crack. I am addicted. Not for me, but for them. I appreciate and crave and desire the silence that naptime brings. I hope it never goes away (although I know eventually it will).
On the weekends, in between the scrubbing of toilets caked in toddler piss, picking up messes that have just been picked up and recreated, exploding our water bill with 8 loads of laundry, arguing endlessly over what the fuck to have for lunch, and scrubbing crayon off of various surfaces- naptime unfortunately becomes an afterthought.
We spend too much time fucking around and before we know it, it’s lunch time… or 30 minutes past lunch time. And immediately following lunchtime is naptime- so we can’t go anywhere and ruin naptime or we ALL pay the price…. If we wait until after nap time, it’s too close to dinner time since the nap was pushed back due to the late lunch, so what happens? Stir crazy mommy gets stuck the fuck in the house for the 6th and 7th day in a row.
All work and no play makes Mommy highly consider making the threat of the embroidered pillow a reality.
I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, every single weekend. Do I sacrifice naps and leave this cage… I mean…house, to save a tiny piece of my sanity but chance having gigantic assholes for children when the clock strikes 6pm? Or do I sacrifice a tiny piece of my sanity and stay in and give the could-be-asshole children naps in hopes of having a peaceful evening because they are well rested?
HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO DECIDE BETWEEN THOSE?!
What a wholly unfair conundrum we mommies find ourselves in.
Fuck it. I say go with the sanity. The assholes can be put in their rooms indefinitely… but once your sanity is gone, it is GONE, and then you find yourself actually ENCOURAGING the children to play with moon dough. On the carpet. For six hours straight.
Don’t be that person.
The fact that the wine section of Wal-Mart is directly next to the baby section cannot be an accident.
My Family’s Summer Schedule Full of FUN! (Yes, that’s Sarcasm) goo.gl/fb/wBR1Un
Actions speak louder than words! pic.twitter.com/O2r8sDIBuT
I'm Gordon pretty much all the time, to be honest. pic.twitter.com/29KrYzv6Ei
2017 has been a total wash thus far pic.twitter.com/N2J7qp2PxW
17 of the Most REAL, Honest, & HILARIOUS Parenting Memes on the Internet goo.gl/fb/gPZWNy
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.