Karma is an evil embarrassing bitch

Being that I haven’t been able to hold my head up for more than a few minutes all day, I have to make this short, but I have a point to make so bear with me.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs the history that the stomach flu has in this family; usually EVERYONE gets it, with me getting it early on and the worst out of everyone.

This time around I watched it knock everyone in the house down except me and braced myself for impact. I even took quite a bit of pleasure in seeing Thomas miserable, considering the last time I puked for 15 hours straight and he walked away with a tummy ache. I didn’t full out laugh at him, but I suppose you could say it was nice to see someone else suffering for once, even if I knew in the back of my mind that it was only a matter of time until I would be the one hunched over the toilet and praying for mercy.

Nearly two days out and I was still feeling relatively normal and puke free. Everyone else had “dried up” so to speak, so I started to think “Wow, maybe I really am in the clear this time! GO ME!”
Mentally, I did a happy dance… but let me tell you, I should not have been so unassuming. Here I thought Karma had FINALLY cut me a break, let me have one year puke-free because of all the previous years I got smacked with the voms the worst… but my celebrating pissed her off. Karma is like Santa Clause; while you can earn a place on the Nice List, ONE WRONG MOVE and you’ve gone and fucked yourself onto the naughty list (and that came out dirtier than i’d intended.) And that, my friends, is exactly what I did.

Last night around 10:30pm I started feeling….wrong. The kind of wrong where you know there is something coming through the pipes but you aren’t sure which way it’s going to go.
I decided the best idea would be to put myself to bed early; maybe I could sleep the feeling off. Maybe I was stressing myself into feeling sick (kind of like a hysterical pregnancy.. this could be a hysterical stomach flu).
Well, wouldn’t you know it, after a few hours of very restless sleep, my eyes shot open. That oh-so-familiar “I have to puke. LIKE NOW” feeling washed over me and I made a mad dash for the bathroom.

Without going into too many graphic details, let me just tell you how Karma decided to pay me back:
I puked so hard, so violently, that I peed my pants. That’s right… totally soaked in my own pee, while puking into the toilet.
Even worse? I had to call for help. From Thomas. To go and get me a change of clothes, and he of course insisted to know why.
It’s embarrassing enough to have people hearing you retching like a dying animal, but then to have to explain that you also wet your pants like a scared kindergartner? Humiliating.

Spent the entire night puking, not sleeping, and the entire day with a face-melting headache and trying to avoid even the mention of food. I’m not sure i’ll ever eat pizza again.

And the last bit of punishment Karma is throwing my way? My house is a COMPLETE FUCKING WRECK. Thomas stayed home to watch the kids while I attempted to shake this bug… but they seem to have gotten the best of him; and guess who is left to clean up the mess tomorrow?
Yep. Me.

Karma’s a bitch y’all, don’t ever forget that.
Now i’m gonna go take my sick ass and lay back down and pray she relents soon.

Posted on January 4, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 10 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • this particular form of karma has bit my ass more than once 🙁 i hope everyone feels better soon

  • oh no!! at least you didn’t shit your pants.. that’s all i got.

    feel better soon!!

  • I was expecting this to say that it came out of both ends. Luckily for you it didn’t, I’d take the pee any day! Hope you feel better!

  • I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had it so bad that I have had to keep my ass on the toilet while my face is burried in the trash can. To make matters worse, Im a single mom and my shit/vomiting from hell woke my son up and he thought there was a monster in the bathroom. He was crying hystarically before I was finally able to come up for a breath and tell him where I was. I feel for ya. Hang in there.

  • When I was younger I got really dehydrated(to the point I almost died.) I had something similar happen. I woke up in the middle of the night like holy shit I’m going to spew. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom, but it wanted to come out both ends. So I had to decide if I was going to puke on the floor or number 2 on the floor. Puke on the floor it was. I literally COVERED the bathroom floor in puke. My poor mother spent hours cleaning it up. A few hours later, I ended up the hospital. Needless to say, I now make sure I drink way more water a day than recommended! So like Ranting and Raving said..At least you didn’t shit your pants!

  • I learned many things from my son but one of the most useful has been the phrase “I didnt quite make it in time.” I get that violently sick whenever I get the stomach flu (or the last time I decided to try the Pill). With the sound effects inevitably audible through the door he will assume you are refering to puke, not anything else. This works best if you request your clothes with the door still closed (but after you are sure your done puking your guts out). By the time he rummages around in the drawers to find something to bring you, be stripped and in the shower already. (Ball up the clothes so he cant tell the difference and so it doesnt dry and set into a stain) Mess is mess and if your hubby is anything like mine he won’t do anything remotely close to cleaning up. (this includes taking dirty clothes to the laundry and potentially realizing what really happen to the pants) Waiting 10 minutes extra while you rinse off will be no more likely to stain the clothes than washing immediately and the shower will help you feel more yourself. As for the hubby: I’d rather he think I puked on myself than peed myself if it has to be one of them

  • You’re not alone, Sister! I am willing to embarrass myself a bit to ensure that you know you’re not alone. I have done the old “puke and pee” routine also. Not the flu, but morning sickness. And not only in the bathroom, but also out the door of my car on the way to a prenatal visit. THAT was the fun one. It’s just the hell of being female and having that unfortunate reflex. Hope you’re back on your feet soon!

  • i’ve been there with the puke & poop too. I’ve also had a stomach virus so bad that I couldn’t stop shitting for 2 weeks straight and the day I felt ready to go back to work was the day I shit my pants walking in the door. It was awesome.

  • When I was pregnant, I threw up EVERY TIME I had to poop. Smelling my own poo made me puke, so I always had one of those barf buckets from the hospital. Needless to say, I only have 1 child and plan on keeping it that way.

  • I pee every time I puke. I’ve peed on my husbands lap twice, while puking camping when he was trying to help me. I just announce it to everyone so we can all laugh together instead of my husband teasing that he is going to tell everyone 🙂