I was reminded a few weeks ago when a friend brought her kids over for a playdate- and she told me a story of how she told her son to spit after brushing his teeth and he walked into the living room and spit on the floor- of something very important. Something pertinent. Something all parents need to know and may not realize until it is just too late… and after yesterday? I suggest you DO NOT BE TOO LATE.
Let’s get straight to the point here, shall we? You don’t have much time.
Children are sneaky little shits. We KNOW this. If you don’t know this… I’d like to know what you’re smoking and how much it cost. I digress, they are sneaky, sometimes manipulative, and always plotting something in those oversized heads of theirs. Always something up their sleeves, whether you know it or not.
If you underestimate said sneakiness? They will find a way to FUCK your world, and then laugh at you for being so painfully stupid afterward.
Dealing with children is like making a wish from a genie, if you aren’t specific, and I mean VERY FUCKING SPECIFIC- you’re screwed. On an epic scale.
Wish for a million bucks? They’ll have you robbing a bank or kill off a rich relative.
True love? Pregnant best friend’s husband. Good luck with that.
100 more wishes? Sure, but you’ll have to split into 33 people in order to get them.
Just like a sadistic Genie, if you don’t make the parameters VERY clear, with every single loophole closed, cemented with an air tight seal, whatever it is you ask for, whatever it is you’ve said not to do WILL BACKFIRE.
Case in point:
The boys have a chalkboard. This of course came with chalk. I SPECIFICALLY instructed my spawn not to draw on my walls with said chalk. How exactly could that backfire on me? DON’T draw on the walls with chalk means DON’T DRAW ON THE FUCKING WALLS WITH CHALK!
How in the hell was I supposed to know that Parker would get around this rule by coloring on his hand, and then smearing his HAND on the wall- thereby coloring on my damn wall with chalk WITHOUT COLORING ON MY WALL WITH THE CHALK!
Yes I could certainly be mad, and oh I was- but if I DIDN’T tell him not to, specifically, did I have a right to be? He didn’t color on the walls with chalk, he only rubbed his hand on the wall with chalk on it. Loophole.
Taking into consideration his reaction at the gigantic time out he received (justified or not!) after this little incident, I figured his wall decorating days were over.
And then this happened:
Once again that sneaky little shit found a loophole. What you see there is marker- which both children have been told a thousand or more times that if they ever put a squishy tip to one of my walls their ass is grass- but not just ANY kind of marker. It’s DRY-ERASE marker, and have I ever specifically said “no DRY ERASE markers on the wall”? No. No I haven’t. FML.
This, my friends, is why being almost obsessively ridiculously overbearingly specific is key to saving your walls, your furniture, your carpets…. your sanity.
Now when I could say something as simple as “don’t color on my walls”–
I will instead say:
“Don’t color on my walls. Not with markers, crayons, pencils, or color pencils. Do not color on your hands and then SMEAR it on the walls. Do not throw a crayon at the walls in hopes that it makes a mark. Do not close your eyes and ‘mistakenly’ bump into my walls while holding a coloring utensil. Do not use your shoes to make marks on the walls. Do not use food or any kind of beverage. Basically, don’t EVER TOUCH THE FUCKING WALLS AGAIN!”
I suggest you do the same.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times