Last night’s blog wasn’t just a blog to me. It was a pleading attempt to save my marriage before things got so far that there would be absolutely no coming back. It wasn’t just a blog, it was an actual e-mail I sent to my husband, trying to get through to him. We’ve gone so far off the grid that we felt uncomfortable talking about our feelings with one another, so I did what I thought I could do best, how I thought I could get my feelings out to him without arguing or being mean or saying the wrong thing- I wrote.
I had no idea what the response would be, what he would have to say to everything i’d expressed- but he had told me that he wanted to reply, and spent all night writing back to me, responding to every little letter i’d written, and I wanted to share with you all our letters to each other.
I think this goes a long way to show that maybe even if we feel like there is absolutely no hope left, we’re at the end of our rope and it seems as though the only option is to walk away- that if we just TRY, even the smallest show that we’re still here, still wanting it to work- that it can have some amazing results.
I’m writing you this letter because things have changed between us. Things have changed and neither of us are happy. We aren’t the people we once were, we aren’t the couple we once were, and I am afraid for us. I’m afraid that if we continue down this path there will no longer be an “us.”
I have feared this letter for a long time. I am very afraid for us too. You are right, things have changed, we have changed, and it has made us both unhappy; however, we do have the ability to change again.
I’m sorry that you feel like I no longer want there to be an “us.” The truth is that i’m honestly not sure what I want anymore, and most days i’m not sure what you want either. And not because of you, or even because of me, but because I don’t feel like we are that “us” anymore, and I don’t know what to do to get “us” back.
I’m sorry that you feel the blame for what has become of us lies solely on you, when I know that I am equally to blame. Not one of us is at fault here, WE did this.
I’m sorry that we let our marriage fall to the bottom of the priority list, behind absolutely everything else including stress and petty bullshit. We were more important than that. We are more important than that still, aren’t we?
I’m sorry that we’ve been wrapped up so much in how we ourselves feel that we have never taken the time to consider each other. And i’m sorry that I just expect you to know how i’m feeling without ever actually telling you.
I’m sorry I don’t feel that i’m beautiful enough to let you tell me that I am, and that I have resentment toward you for never complimenting me when i’ve never allowed it.
I’m sorry that we’ve both stopped feeling as though we are appreciated and that the things we do are shot down instead of acknowledged. Little do you know that I have no idea where i’d be without you.
I’m sorry that we fight constantly about nothing at all, and then refuse to talk about it until it’s gotten to the point where we’re bitter and unhappy and there’s nothing left to say.
I’m sorry that we no longer have the courage to say what we really feel to each other because we have avoided doing so for so long that we no longer know how, and are afraid of the fight it might start.
I’m sorry that we’ve waited until it may be too late to save us to even realize we needed saving.
I have no idea where we’ll go from here, or if we’ll make it- but how can we know if we never even try, REALLY try, and not just keep saying we will with no intention to follow through? No more promises. No more. This is it. We can’t make any more excuses.
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