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Dear Husband, part 2: Love Letters?

Last night’s blog wasn’t just a blog to me. It was a pleading attempt to save my marriage before things got so far that there would be absolutely no coming back. It wasn’t just a blog, it was an actual e-mail I sent to my husband, trying to get through to him. We’ve gone so far off the grid that we felt uncomfortable talking about our feelings with one another, so I did what I thought I could do best, how I thought I could get my feelings out to him without arguing or being mean or saying the wrong thing- I wrote.

I had no idea what the response would be, what he would have to say to everything i’d expressed- but he had told me that he wanted to reply, and spent all night writing back to me, responding to every little letter i’d written, and I wanted to share with you all our letters to each other.
I think this goes a long way to show that maybe even if we feel like there is absolutely no hope left, we’re at the end of our rope and it seems as though the only option is to walk away- that if we just TRY, even the smallest show that we’re still here, still wanting it to work- that it can have some amazing results.

Dear Husband,
I’m writing you this letter because things have changed between us. Things have changed and neither of us are happy. We aren’t the people we once were, we aren’t the couple we once were, and I am afraid for us. I’m afraid that if we continue down this path there will no longer be an “us.”

Dear Wife,

I have feared this letter for a long time.  I am very afraid for us too.  You are right, things have changed, we have changed, and it has made us both unhappy; however, we do have the ability to change again. 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that you feel like I no longer want there to be an “us.” The truth is that i’m honestly not sure what I want anymore, and most days i’m not sure what you want either. And not because of you, or even because of me, but because I don’t feel like we are that “us” anymore, and I don’t know what to do to get “us” back.

Dear Wife, 

I want you to be happy.  More so, I would like you to be happy with us.  We have to be happy with ourselves, each other, and we have to be able to make each other happy in order to get back to us.  I don’t want you to think that it can’t happen because it has before.
 
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that you feel the blame for what has become of us lies solely on you, when I know that I am equally to blame. Not one of us is at fault here, WE did this.

Dear Wife,
That’s not entirely true, I have felt that I have placed so much blame on you, it wasn’t fair.  Especially, when it was my fault.  I am sorry for that.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we let our marriage fall to the bottom of the priority list, behind absolutely everything else including stress and petty bullshit. We were more important than that. We are more important than that still, aren’t we?

Dear Wife,
I feel that we are more important, a great deal more, than a lot of the things that we have placed before us.  We have to make us a priority again if we are going to make it, not just us together, but us alone as well.  We both need our time together and away.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we’ve been wrapped up so much in how we ourselves feel that we have never taken the time to consider each other. And i’m sorry that I just expect you to know how i’m feeling without ever actually telling you.

Dear Wife,
We have been very concerned about ourselves for too long.  Our marriage should be about us, together.  We have both done the same thing, I have expected you to read my mind and respond the way I want, although neither of us have that ability.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry I don’t feel that i’m beautiful enough to let you tell me that I am, and that I have resentment toward you for never complimenting me when i’ve never allowed it.

Dear Wife,
You are beautiful, I want you to know it and believe it.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we’ve both stopped feeling as though we are appreciated and that the things we do are shot down instead of acknowledged. Little do you know that I have no idea where i’d be without you.

Dear Wife,
You do so much for me, for us, for our family.  It’s impossible to think of how I could ever manage that alone.  I wish I had told you that more often.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we fight constantly about nothing at all, and then refuse to talk about it until it’s gotten to the point where we’re bitter and unhappy and there’s nothing left to say.

Dear Wife,
I don’t want to fight, I hate to fight.  I especially the hate fights about nothing at all.  I’m sorry for the fights that I have caused.  I regret having made you cry over pettiness.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we no longer have the courage to say what we really feel to each other because we have avoided doing so for so long that we no longer know how, and are afraid of the fight it might start.

Dear Wife,
It’s surprising that we aren’t more vocal about our feelings, I want to be able to tell you everything.  I want to know how you feel and I want you to know how I feel.  We should talk and more importantly we should listen to each other.
 

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry that we’ve waited until it may be too late to save us to even realize we needed saving.

Dear Wife,
I don’t believe that it’s too late to fix this.  Too late is splitting everything in half, including ourselves and our family.  We have realized early enough that we need saving, we can start now.
 

Dear Husband,
I have no idea where we’ll go from here, or if we’ll make it- but how can we know if we never even try, REALLY try, and not just keep saying we will with no intention to follow through? No more promises. No more. This is it. We can’t make any more excuses.

Dear Wife,
No more excuses.  This is us we are talking about.  We have to try, we need it, we deserve it.
 
 
Dear Husband,
I’m in.
Posted on January 17, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 53 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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53 Comments

  • this gives me hope for all that my hubby and I will go through in the coming years. It’s easy to see the love that you both still have for each other. Good Luck and God Bless!

  • You have NO idea how many people/marriages you are probably helping by putting yourself out there like this. BEAUTIFUL.

  • Thank you so much for sharing something so intimate and personal.

  • Umm well I am not even sure I know what to say. My husband and I have been there. The road from this point will still be uphill, will have smooth and rough patches but the one thing that has always kept us going is knowing that when we show our love for each other and love ourselves that shows in our kids. That one hour a day when they are playing nice with each other and we can just sit next to each other and watch them play and laugh is all worth it.

  • The best thing any couple can do is not only talk but really listen. I discovered this the hard way. Last year (2011) I found out that my husband of 42 years had a another “wife” for 7 years. He lives 300 miles away for his job. I had no idea, he hid it that well. With a lot of crying and talking we saw where both of us went wrong so many years ago. She will always be part of his history but I will not only be in his history but his present and his future. You can make it work!

  • This is beautiful. You are trying! This made me cry for you and for everyone out there who has felt this way, but never had the courage to work things out. Sometimes you can say things best on paper or email and that starts the communication that is needed. You are in my thoughts and I am rooting for both of you. Stay strong.

  • All I can say is thank you. My husband & I are almost done with close to 2 years of him being constantly deployed. We have become strangers & it hurts. These words are what my heart and soul needed to hear. It is not too late to really work on us becoming us again. The hope you have whispered into my very being will stay there keeping warm all that I realized I still feel for my husband. I hope all works out as it should with ya’ll. Much love & blessed be. <3

  • All I can say is thank you. My husband & I are just about done with spending close to 2 years with him deployed. It hurts so much to realize we are strangers. You whispered words of hope my heart & soul truly needed to hear. There they will stay to keep warm all that I realized what I still feel for him. I hope it all shall work out as it is meant to be. Much love & blessed be.

  • This made me cry! Congrats to you two for having the courage to be open and to give your marriage everything it deserves!

  • You just made me want to pull my husband out of his barracks overseas and tell him I’m sorry for everything I ever blamed on him and everytime I made him feel like he wasn’t being enough…thank you for a written arse kicking and life saver.
    YOU are my hero.

  • @Becca…It’s painful to go through.For the first few months we saw each other every weekend. A lot of tears and yelling. I think the real breakthrough was when I admitted that it wasn’t all his fault. That I shut him out of my life, and he did the same to me. I stopped pushing his buttons, to get him to tell me what was going on in his head. He talks more and I may never totally understand what happened, I am damn sure it won’t happen again. We’re not 100% back. It will never be like it was when we were in college. But we’ll try!!!

  • I am at this point myself, there are things I want to say but am too afraid of the reaction I will get. I wish you well and pray that I have the strength to handle it with this much class!

  • Holy crap, I got chills reading this. Beautiful. So happy you talked!

  • K- if you need to, you are more than welcome to use anything i’ve posted to help. I wrote this not only for myself but for ANYONE else who can’t quite put it into words. Much love to you, and everyone else

  • its almost like you copied and pasted our life into words.
    i love your blogs so much!
    anyone that cant see what a beautiful person you really are has got to be some kind of idiot!

  • His responses paired with your original notes melted my heart. I will be rooting for you both.

    much love.

  • i want to thank you and tell you you have no idea how much you have helped me, im going through pretty close to the same thing in that my husband and i are hot that close anymore this gives me hope and lets me know what is important enough that it is worth saving. you are very brave and amazing thank you again so much

  • This was great! But what does one do when the husband is narcisstic, arrogant, extremely lazy and sometimes downright mean? We have 3 kids and I’m a SAHM, so I’m totally dependent financially, which I of course hate.
    Good luck and take care

  • I’m in tears. I’m here… right here in this same spot. We fight over nothing until I want nothing more than to be as far away from his as possible. He refuses to listen to me and because he decided to discredit me, I’ve done the same. I only hope that maybe it isn’t the end for us

  • this is just so amazing! there where so many times I felt like this and thought the same thoughts. thank you for sharing this. I couldn’t tell you how many times I was in fear of losing the “us” and can say it definitely takes the “us” to make it work. Loving this post! Thanks again for sharing ๐Ÿ˜€

  • He is AMAZING! He has a huge abundance of hope for you two, and I hope that in itself restores your hope.

  • I cried reading this, (your letters to your husband).I have found it too frightening to even try to say what my heart & mind knows needs to be said. You said pretty much everything I have been feeling but didn’t have the courage to say. I hope you don’t mind but I sent *your* letters to my husband in hopes that maybe, just maybe after 15 yrs together we can find a way to save our marriage. I hope that I will get a response from my husband, I’m not sure that I will though. I wish you all the best and can’t express to you how grateful I am to you for posting this. Much love to you & good luck!

  • thank you everyone. I’m glad sharing resonated with you! <3

  • You can “feel” the love between the two of you when you read this. Yes there is frustration, growth apart, needing to find each other and yourselves but it seems like both of you really want to try and make it work which is wonderful. Sure maybe it could of come earlier but at least it came before rock bottom.

    Marriage is hard work, it’s constant work, compromise, growth, understanding and a pain in the ass haha.

    I’ve been with my husband since I was 13, married at 17, kid at 20 (they told me I couldn’t get preggers ha) and now have been married almost 12 years and together 16 next month. It been a journey; up, down and all around.
    You have to be willing to grow together as a couple and willing to let the other person grow and be what/who they want. Which can be really hard. We have changed so much over the years (I mean we were snotty, bratty teens together) but what has never changed is our core love for each other. The thought of waking up and not seeing him is like not having air.

    I also think writing it down is a great idea, which we have been doing for years now. Yes being able to sit down and talk things over is wonderful but sometimes emotions run high and fights start. Sometimes (like in the letter) you can both really express how you feel, get it out without interruptions or subject chances and just have it all laid out. I know sometimes I feel like I’m in middle school passing notes to the boy I like but hey it really works for us. Honestly my husband and I have only had a handful of verbal fights (most fueled by Captain Morgan) because of this, tempers may still flare some but again it makes you sit down and think rather than just getting upset and saying things that might be regretted later.

    I usually don’t post comments so feeling a little embarrassed right now but just wanted to throw in my two cents. Maybe it will help someone, maybe not but there it is ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love your blog, hope everything works out, nothing but best wishes to you and yours!!
    Good luck!!

  • beautiful love, simply beautiful! I am so glad you are both on the same page now and hopefully will be able to clear things up between you & start moving forward again!

    <3

  • I would have to agree that I am in the same boat and you have no idea how much you have helped me. Thank you for sharing something so personal and intimate that most of us wouldn’t dream of sharing. I cannot express how much I am greatful for this. All I can say is that you have what most other marriages don’t…you BOTH are willing to try.

  • I’m glad it helped you <3 Much love and best wishes to you!

  • Oh my stars. I read your first part and I am feeling exactly all those things. I read this part and I am sitting here streaming tears down my face. Thank you for sharing this with me.

  • It’s wonderful that you two have this communication and can admit your own insecurities and flaws. I went through an unexpected divorce last year at 5 years of marriage because my ex and I lost sight of each other with the two kids and all and lost US. However he would not communicate except to tell me it was all my fault and that I was a terrible wife and mother, and that he had done nothing wrong. You are very lucky to have such a wonderful man. Good luck to you both.

  • Jenny, I remember the first time I read this in your blog. It made me cry. It gave me hope. It closed some doors and opened a ton of windows. It opened my eyes and shut my mouth. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing this with the world. Your most intimate, private thoughts on your marriage for the world to see, in the hopes it will not only save your marriage, but maybe, just maybe, help just even ONE person/couple out there…..you are just simply: FUCKING AWESOME!!

  • It takes a lot of hard work in marriage. You have made the biggest step in recognizing that you both have to partner each other and speak up to one another about everything in a loving, honest and fair manner.
    I look at it this way: On December 13, 2011, I sent my husband to jail. He was in an alcohol fueled rage and took my car. I dialed 911 and reported it. I figured my marriage was over. It would take too much time to go into what happened next, but, he came home, has been sober for 7 months and we are slowly rebuilding our marriage from the ground up. It’s been quite the eye opener, as we’ve been more open and honest with each other in the past 7 months than we have in our entire 14 years together. But, we have to work very hard at it. In the end, it is because we solemnly promised each other that we would remember our love for one another and that it would be the worst thing to happen, if we were to lose that. You’ll get there. *hugs*

  • Have you ever read or heard something that just completely struck a chord….well I just did. You have no idea how weird/ironic it is that I read your blog just now. I am lying in my king size bed alone after having my second bitching match of the day with my boyfriend of 11 years. This whole day has been shit and the past year hasnt been any better. At the moment our 2 dogs and 2 cats are our “children” and he cant even get his shit together to take care of them, so how the fuck am I supposed to have kids with this man??!! I feel like I am doing the job his mother never did of raising him! It’s almost like i have aged/matured 11 years and he is still a kid! I heard this women once say “The key to a successful marriage is to wait for your husband to grow up!”, but how fucking long does this have to take??!! I am so frustrated with him and his lacksidazy attitude toward everything that i just want to throttle him! Wake the fuck up! Do men not realize that they are in the process of losing us or do they know and just ignore it? I have talked until i am blue in the face on numerous occasions and most of the time, like you, I write. But what do you do when the conversation is completly one sided? When you pour your heart out and you get no response, just a blank stare, or a one word answer? You know in the movies when the person is dangling by their fingers from a cliff and slowly each finger loses grip until they finally fall? I have that feeling, like i have only a finger or two left before i fall. Only a finger or two left before the house of cards i’ve built will fall. I have gotten so used to putting up a front for people to pretend that we are fine, when for a year now we arent fine. I just might borrow your first letter and send it to him, but i doubt it will even register with him!

  • This brought me to tears. I’ve been there and its a scary, scary road. To see this though, it sheds light and it brings hope. To know that you aren’t the only one, its a relief. You’re an inspiration my dear. I hope that all works out for the two of you. <3 Good luck

  • You are doing the right thing. You are obviously still in love, you’ve lost communication. Get that back and things will begin clicking … Much to important to quit.

  • Thank you for sharing this very personal part of your life. It meant a lot. This happens to a lot of couples. I wish you both the best. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Here it is, the end of 2012, and you re-posted this on Facebook. My husband and I, just yesterday, fought about fighting all the time. There were tears and anger and a plethora of other emotions. We are at the end of our rope in our marriage, which sucks hard, because we love each other so much. It breaks my heart to know this could be all she wrote after only 3 years of marriage and 7 years together. This blog entry has given me hope. I’m going to email my husband tonight and put it all down on paper, so to speak. I love your blog…you are so easy to relate to. Thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Good luck @Loyce. As long as you are willing to try, there is ALWAYS hope!

  • It’s wonderful when both parties are willing to try. I did the lion’s share of the trying in my marriage until I had more than enough. THEN he wanted to try but by then I had enough of his empty promises.

  • Beautiful entry Jenny this gives me hope for my future. Thank you!

  • chocolatelove1925 April 13, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Thank you so much for letting us read these exchange of emails between you and your husband. I was about to go down that pit. I was about to shut down and build a wall up around me. I am thankful that my fiance took me out of it. I am thankful that he broke my walls again. This reminded me that I cannot shut him out of my world no matter what he did wrong. No matter how difficult times are. No matter how much we hurt each other or tested each other’s love. Thank you for sharing this. I have been reminded how unfair it was for me to expect him to read my thoughts and see through my heart. I did not have enough courage to tell him how I really feel because I was overpowered by resentment and fear. I SALUTE YOU TWO FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO OPEN UP YOUR HEARTS ONCE MORE TO EACH OTHER. God is with you always! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • My husband and I have done this before as well. Ours is a notebook, though. When things get to the point where we are bickering about nothing, we write to each other in it. This has happened twice so far, in our almost 9 years ago. Each time, was during an insanely stressful time for us both. But we got through it. I believe the writing helped.

  • This was such a beautiful post. I do the exact same thing with my fiance when he compliments me or calls me beautiful. Is not his fault that i have such a low self esteem and i shouldn’t take it out on him. Thank you for sharing such a personal story

  • This is, by far and always has been one of my favorites. Marriage and life can be so difficult at times and we all lose track of where we are going and how the other is feeling. I am so happy that you have shared this with us. Its helped my husband and I through a few rough patches as well

  • I cried a little bit. There have been times that we made it though only because 1) neither of us is going to be the douchebag that walks out, making it a stand-off, and/or 2) I want my marriage to be a story, not a statistic. Thank you for writing this. By sharing, by putting that private piece of yourself out there, you have connected a community of people who can say, “Been there, done that, made it through” to the people who are in the midst of that desert.

    PS – At the halfway point, I left my computer and gave hubby a big hug. Didn’t know he was just thinking of me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • […] feels like an eternity, it wasn’t all that long ago that I had to sit down and admit that my marriage was in shambles. It wasn’t something that happened overnight; it took a long time to unravel to that point, […]

  • I’m in tears.

    It’s a beautiful and courageous thing you did. Swallowing pride and emailing him. Taking that risk, not knowing what his response would be. Amazing that you literally have in writing your new beginning.

  • I recently went through something similar. OK I’m lying it was much more serious. As i, I cried for 8 hours and prayed hard and got a box out to start packing my shit. But why should I leave? I’m not the one who fucked it all up?! But I am somehow responsible bc i gave up on the “us” and concentrated on me and my broken ankles. That was not a sarcastic tone there fyi. Anyway, my hubs and I decided to concentrate on us. To get back to basics. To dating. Sharing a bottle of wine. Talking. Really talking. Laughing and watching our favorite shows together. Beautiful blog jenn.

  • without a doubt, this has always been one of my favorites. The interaction between you and the hubby is wonderful, and the fact that you are both validating each other’s feelings is beautiful!