Christmas is the time for giving and sharing and joy, and for a lot of people, getting together with those you can only really stand to stomach on an infrequent basis.
I know it’s all well and good, Christmas cheer and holiday spirit and all that jazz, but let’s get down to it: there are also some strange and crappy things that happen on this worldwide holiday.
I will now share with you a few highlights from mine, as i’m sure we all have a lot of recovering to get done.
1. Did your kids wake up early on Christmas morning, unable to sleep due to the sheer excitement of Santa Clause squeezing his fat ass down the chimney?
Yeah, not mine. I woke up early, thinking I could hedge them off just in case they decided to sneak downstairs and tear open all of their presents without me… and NO ONE WOKE UP. I laid there for a good 45 minutes before anyone even stirred. Even after Holden woke up, Parker didn’t budge. He had to be sneakily forced out of slumber to get this show on the road.
2. The gift Holden BEGGED AND PLEADED for for months on end; the one I went to 3 different stories in 3 different cities to try and find and failed, only to have to pay more online to get it here from the ONLY store left with it in stock without having to pay a small fortune that I saved for the last to open thinking Holden would go completely apeshit because “OMFG SANTA GOT ME EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR?”
Which one did he choose as his favorite? The one I bought because it was 50% off in a fleeting moment to try and put more under the tree while thinking “eh, maybe he’ll like this”
That, my friends, is why I don’t do Black Friday. Had I busted my ass at 3am to get this thing and he acted that way, heads would have rolled.
3. I am even more positive now that alcohol should be mandatory at Christmas gatherings. And not because it makes family more tolerable (well, I guess it does that too) but because there is NOTHING ELSE that numbs the “HOLY FUCK I ATE WAY TOO MUCH” feeling next to a giant shit, and we all don’t get that kind of satisfaction so easily.
4. Kids without naps and surrounded by other kids and a fuckton of gifts are creatures sent to earth by the devil himself. This I am sure of.
5. I should not have ever said in previous blogs how much Holden sucked at Hide-and-go-seek. Today at my Dad’s he hid so well that I literally went outside in the dark and was calling for him before I finally found him BEHIND a chair in the sun room, absolutely silent underneath a Santa sack.
Not cool, Holden. NOT.COOL.
6. What all mothers deserve as a Christmas gift is a fucking MAID to clean up the ABSOLUTE HELLISH MESS that becomes of the house after gift opening.
7. Eggnog is a punishment. Even the alcoholic kind.
8. I wrapped up a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich in hopes Holden would freak the hell out with a “HOW DARE YOU!” kind of reaction… and he LIKED IT. fail!!!
9. I spent over an hour getting myself to look as un-mom as I could, most of that time was focused on my hair. COMPLIMENT ME DAMNIT! No one did. Buttheads.
And that’s it y’all! Get to drinking, save the cleaning for tomorrow, put your feet up and RELAX. you deserve it!
Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times