What’s Christmas without a little dirt?

Christmas is the time for giving and sharing and joy, and for a lot of people, getting together with those you can only really stand to stomach on an infrequent basis.

I know it’s all well and good, Christmas cheer and holiday spirit and all that jazz, but let’s get down to it: there are also some strange and crappy things that happen on this worldwide holiday.

I will now share with you a few highlights from mine, as i’m sure we all have a lot of recovering to get done.

1. Did your kids wake up early on Christmas morning, unable to sleep due to the sheer excitement of Santa Clause squeezing his fat ass down the chimney?
Yeah, not mine. I woke up early, thinking I could hedge them off just in case they decided to sneak downstairs and tear open all of their presents without me… and NO ONE WOKE UP. I laid there for a good 45 minutes before anyone even stirred. Even after Holden woke up, Parker didn’t budge. He had to be sneakily forced out of slumber to get this show on the road.

2. The gift Holden BEGGED AND PLEADED for for months on end; the one I went to 3 different stories in 3 different cities to try and find and failed, only to have to pay more online to get it here from the ONLY store left with it in stock without having to pay a small fortune that I saved for the last to open thinking Holden would go completely apeshit because “OMFG SANTA GOT ME EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR?”
Which one did he choose as his favorite? The one I bought because it was 50% off in a fleeting moment to try and put more under the tree while thinking “eh, maybe he’ll like this”
That, my friends, is why I don’t do Black Friday. Had I busted my ass at 3am to get this thing and he acted that way, heads would have rolled.

3. I am even more positive now that alcohol should be mandatory at Christmas gatherings. And not because it makes family more tolerable (well, I guess it does that too) but because there is NOTHING ELSE that numbs the “HOLY FUCK I ATE WAY TOO MUCH” feeling next to a giant shit, and we all don’t get that kind of satisfaction so easily.

4. Kids without naps and surrounded by other kids and a fuckton of gifts are creatures sent to earth by the devil himself. This I am sure of.

5. I should not have ever said in previous blogs how much Holden sucked at Hide-and-go-seek. Today at my Dad’s he hid so well that I literally went outside in the dark and was calling for him before I finally found him BEHIND a chair in the sun room, absolutely silent underneath a Santa sack.
Not cool, Holden. NOT.COOL.

6. What all mothers deserve as a Christmas gift is a fucking MAID to clean up the ABSOLUTE HELLISH MESS that becomes of the house after gift opening.

7. Eggnog is a punishment. Even the alcoholic kind.

8. I wrapped up a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich in hopes Holden would freak the hell out with a “HOW DARE YOU!” kind of reaction… and he LIKED IT. fail!!!

9. I spent over an hour getting myself to look as un-mom as I could, most of that time was focused on my hair. COMPLIMENT ME DAMNIT! No one did. Buttheads.

And that’s it y’all! Get to drinking, save the cleaning for tomorrow, put your feet up and RELAX. you deserve it!

Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine

Posted on December 25, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 13 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • HAH Merry Christmas! Be careful what you complain about your kids not doing well enough, as soon as they figure out how to do it well you will be trying to figure out how to make them stop half of the time. I hope YOU got something you dreamed of too…even if it wasn’t a maid 😉

  • truer words have never been spoken!!!

  • As usual, freakin’ hilarious! Holden hiding under a Santa sack? Arg! I laughed over the one about spending all of this effort buying the one special present and what the child really liked was the afterthought one-and yes, we all need maids to clean up that shit. And #4–hellions.

  • You look great, we traveled nowhere, so I did not even bother to get out of my pjs or brush my hair now that I think about it, thank goodness for buns!! Hubby doesn’t care he has pestered me all day…..I will not smother my hubby, I will not smother my hubby!! Merry Christmas to you & yours!!

  • scared the PISS out of me! NOT COOL!!!

    I wanted to play with the Zombie lab!! *sob* maybe tomorrow hahaha

  • I would have loved to stay in PJs all day! I figure.. I have all this hair, we’re going somewhere.. I must do something other than tying it in a bun!
    And I was chanting the same damn thing!

  • Ummm hello! You hair is fabulous!! 😉 Merry Christmas! I loved this blog! Holy moly you’re hilarious lady!!! :)))

  • It scary to find someone who thinks WAY TOO MUCH like me!!!! i hope your finally sittin down and relaxin, you look great and kudos to Holden for finding the perfect spot…. tho he should came out when u went callin him…hello… lol..have a greay Christmas my dear and u think u got mess??? and I have a house inspection day after tomorrow and right now wed fail hahahaha!!!!

  • they didn’t compliment you? YOU LOOK GREAT! and your hair IS fabulous!

  • YOU LOOK FABU, as my kids say. rock it, girl.

  • “a little dirt”?! wtf.. where are you that this holiday hell has resulted in only a little dirt??

    ahh well, i forgive you.. but only because you have officially recognized the “fuckton” as a perfectly usable unit of measure 🙂

  • Can’t wait for the blog about the zombie lab ! lol Love reading your blog. I absolutely needed a laugh. I had the phone call from my mother that resulted in a migraine! Merry Christmas

  • Your hair does look good! Dayuummm lol