What do I look like? Martha-freakin’-Stewart?

As if there isn’t enough competition in the “I’m the best Holiday Mommy EVER” category, what with that ridiculous and completely terrifying bastard The Elf on the Shelf whose eyes creepily follow you all around the room and destroys your home for the sake of shits, giggles, and somehow keeping your kids in line, the “look at my handmade decorations that took us 7 hours to make” that other moms show off when and however they can that make you feel like the biggest slacker on the planet, the cornucopia of time wasting  “oh but they’re so fun!” crafts and the far-too-professional looking Santa pictures… now I have to worry about keeping up the illusion of Santa with my absolute non-creative self, just to not feel like the worst parent on the face of the earth

I don’t usually go Baaahhh-ing along with the crowd; I have boycotted the elf, I don’t do crafts, I hate Christmas music, I only take the kids to see Santa because one insists and the other is hilariously terrified… but DAMNIT, i’m not going to ruin the whole Santa-shpeal and be looked at through the nose by all the over-achieving Christmas lovers.

In order to continue to perpetuate what some may consider a lie, it appears that I have to buy different wrapping paper, change my hand-writing, make different tags, fancier wrap-jobs (since elves don’t fucking SUCK at it like I do) all so the kids don’t know the gifts are from ME and not the big-man himself?
Sigh.. COME ON! I braved the crowds, I spent the money when I didn’t want to, even bought them gifts I know will annoy the piss out of me… and now I have to put extra time and effort and energy into my least favorite thing on the planet: wrapping??

In addition to all of that, I then have to stay up late and make SURE not to put these newly bedazzled gifts out until Santa “comes down the chimney”?
 What’s next, dragging my ass onto the roof in the bitter December cold and stomping on the ceiling while jingling bells- risking death mind you- just so if the children happen to wake up they think “OMFG SANTA REALLY IS HERE!” … only so that I can be the BEST Christmas mom on the planet? Well if EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT!!!

No. The answer is just no! To be quite honest with you, my kids are NOT that smart yet. They are not going to look at wrapping paper, compare it to others, then cross-reference the fucking handwriting and say “Um, mother, I can tell you wrote this and not Santa.” followed by that oh-so familiar look on their faces of “Bitch please”

I’m already giving the jolly old lard ass credit for all of my hard work, and now i’m supposed to wrap presents *SPECIAL* for him. Uh-uh, no no no, not as long as I can get away with not doing it. My idea of gifts from Santa are tags written in all-caps, while the ones from Mommy and Daddy are in lowercase.

How ya like THEM apples Elite-Christmas moms??

That’s right, i’m a Christmas slacker and I am PROUD of it. I won’t be giving into the overly obsessive Elf-on-a-shelfing, intense fantastical bedazzled cookie icing, crafts that look like they could be sold for $50 in magazines, ugly sweater-wearing, expensive tree decorating, Christmas caroling, special Santa papering competitive Christmas-Mommy craze.

The day I do that is the day I started listening to Justin Bieber, and you can put money on that’ll be the day after NEVER.

Letting that eggnog guzzling reindeer lover take credit for some of the most expensive gifts is as Christmas cheery as it’s gonna get, and to me, is a good enough indication of my Christmas-freakin’-spirit.
I am not Martha Stewart and I never will be!

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 9 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Haha…. So true. My son just turned 5, this is the first year he has been absolutely into it. I mean he was excited last year, however I will say that last year he started putting together the whole wrapping paper deal. Little Shits are smart!! Most of the time smarter than we give them credit for! While nothing could ever beat the look on your kids face Christmas morning, it totally siphons that the fat man get all the credit!! And I must admit I did buy a roll of special ‘ Santa’ paper this year. But as far as wrapping it perfect, no uh uh not this girl! I DREAD wrapping those presents almost as much I dread fighting the crazy ass crowds to find those presents!! And the creepy elf on a shelf, Nooooo thank you. Let’s face it they will eventually find out there’s no Santa, we don’t all have the time and patience to go all out and elaborate with crazy ideas. I’ll probly push it long as I can, but he’s going to know soon anyways……

  • Hahah, right?!?
    I will admit, we DID pick out “santa” paper… BUT… halfway through wrapping I forgot which one it frickin’ was! SMDH!

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  • My parents had the right idea: Person to person gifts were wrapped and Santa gifts were not. Why? Because the big man or his elves don’t have time to wrap how ever many tons of gifts for the umpteen million kids that receive them each year. They did do one thing special though, and I never truly understood how torturous it was for them until they did it for my sons first Christmas and that was glitter. Somehow crazy ass me became convinced as a small child that Santa has something similar to Tinkerbell’s magic fairy dust except it was red. In leiu of wrapping all Santa gifts, everything got a healthy sprinkling of the glitter and no matter how much you vacuumed, swept, brushed off, watched where you sat, or used a lint roller on your clothes, we all looked like we had just come out of a strip club for weeks afterwards because it was everywhere. When my little rother finally caught up to the rest of us years later after finding the bottle of glitter in my parents room, the first thing they said was they were never doing glitter again, and it would go back to being a banned substance in our house from then on.

  • amen amen AMEN, and can i get a HALLELUJAH??!! no? well that’s alright.

    i hate the blasted christmas music too, and the thought of dragging my kids to the mall to sit on a stranger’s lap is not all that appealing either o.O

    know that you are not alone.. i am also a christmas slacker mom. if i do ANY baking, it will be of the slice and bake variety, and if my house isn’t burnt down by my attempts, then it’s been a successful holiday!!

    as for the wrapping… ugh. i haven’t even started.. and i may very well end up crouched under the tree, drinking wine straight from the bottle in the wee hours of christmas morning, wrapping all the godforsaken toys. it will not be a preety sight. next year, GIFT BAGS, i swear to god, gift frigging bags!!

    {oh and ps, the word verification thing says “weenr” hehehe made me chuckle}

  • Finally got a minute to post even though I read this the other day. Do not feel pad I am no Martha Stewart and in fact when my daughter still believed in all the Santa stuff we just left Santa’s presents unwrapped because I hate wrapping presents lmao and when I am forced to they do not have frilly bows or carefully curled ribbons. Why?? Because I have found out that children do not give a shit about the bows other than to horde them and spread them throughout the house for months after Christmas or in the case of my daughter horde them for some point in the future… just in case the world as we know it comes to an end and they are used for money? to wrap her baby brother in a bow when she leaves him in the woods for the wolves? Who knows?

  • This is how it rolls (or rolled prior to this year – no Santa believers anymore) at my house. Santa brings ONE present. I don’t buy expensive wrapping paper – no iridescent, none of that. I’m cheap – duh. Santa does wrap the one present in the expensive shit. Luckily, my kids are boys and have never asked for anything that couldn’t be wrapped. Also, their names are written on a piece of paper or back of the wrapping paper in large, bold, sharpie-esque letters. Then, when they would come down, I would pretend to be all “who the hell put that there?”

    The rest of the stuff? From mom, dad, brother, the dog, goldfish, ect.

  • Wrapping paper was what tipped my kids off… They found Santa paper under bed