Pooches, sags, wrinkles and stretchmarks

Look, i’m not going to sit here and whine about how fat I am, boohoohoo, I can’t get into my old jeans- lightning would STRIKE ME WHERE I SIT.
Even if I feel disgusting about myself, I have no right to use the word ‘fat’ in reference to any part of me- HOWEVER- let’s get real: for the majority of us who pop out kids, even if we lose all of the baby weight, nothing ever goes quite back to exactly where it was before we got stretched out like over-inflated beach balls.
The theory of relativity applies to bodies too, unfortunately. What go up must come down… or in this case, what goes OUT.
Our bodies are not rubber bands, much to our dismay, and the older we get and the more kids we have, the more defiant our skin, flesh, and other unmentionables become to ‘snapping back’- as people like to say. I’d like to snap those PEOPLE back.
Try as I might, dieting, exercise videos, massive amounts of crunches and eating cereal for lunch for MONTHS because the rat bastards at a certain cereal company promised me I could lose 2 inches in 2 weeks… NOTHING has gotten rid of the pooch. 
It is there. It is always there. It taunts me. 
Not as much when I stand but when I bend over, it goes with me, and there it hangs. Excess skin. Loose, weird looking excess skin. You could probably cut it off and fry it up for morning as a substitute for bacon.
Alright, I know that’s a little dramatic, but that is how much I loathe it. Some like to say we should look at stretch marks as battle scars and our newly sagging bodies as a gift because they carried a child- I say FUCK ALL THAT, we should be MILFs after going through the hell that is childbirth!
I miss the days where the only things I worried about before leaving the house was if my ass looked good and my makeup was put on right.
Now I have an entire checklist of things to go through before I can leave or i’m uncomfortable and paranoid the entire time.
1. Do these pants give me frumpy horse butt?
2. Have I sufficiently covered up all the wrinkles and pimples having two small terrors have given me
3. Are my grays showing
4. Is what i’m wearing actually stylish or have I been a homebody for so long that everything I own looks BLAH
5. Did I make sure to brush my hair today?
And once I have covered all of those steps, I must ask the most important question of all:

“does this outfit make me look like i’ve had kids?”

Because yes, I absolutely AM vain enough to have children but to want people to mistake me for the babysitter.
What’s wrong with that?
Posted on December 9, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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