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OCCUPY UTERUS!

If you are of the female persuasion, and over the age of 18 (and not living in the 18th century), I am positive by now you have been asked by an overbearing grandmother or nosy aunt or eager-to-have-grandbabies mother:
“So, when are you going to have a baby?”

If you haven’t yet, be prepared, because sooner or later it is bound to happen if you haven’t created new life and birthed it onto this earth for everyone to ohh, ahh, and take credit for.
Once you’ve gone ahead and succumbed to all the urging and pressure (or maybe you beat them to the punch), you figure this question won’t come up again.
I’ve done my duty, i’ve blown my crotch out, LOOK, HERE’S THE BABY YOU’VE BEEN BEGGING FOR- NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

It’s never quite that cut and dry. At least it isn’t for me.
Holden was planned, you try convincing other people of that and they likely wouldn’t believe you, and holy hell the ugly looks I got. NO ONE really breathed much of a word about another child after Holden was born because the pregnancy was so ugly I guess they didn’t think I would go through that again. Yeah well, Parker was as much of a surprise to me as everyone else. After two, you figure- alright, I think that’s enough to appease everyone. One person can have one, another can take the other, and I can go have a fucking DRINK. DON’T ask me about another baby!!! 

Vaginas can only handle so much, and I don’t think mine would appreciate being torn apart for a third time. I thought i’d made that relatively clear, but I suppose my “meeeehhhhhh maybe someday” stance on more kids, and the fact that I have been completely outnumbered by penises in this house, combined with my previous obsession with having a little girl… the question comes up at LEAST once a month. Yes, I REALIZE I was in a crazed state about it, but damnit, my brain is normal now! Not all hormone-whacked and “I SAW THE SIGN” song singing.
WHAT is the obsession with the occupancy status of my uterus?? Why must everyone know if I intend on cramming it full of baby? I have TWO. Two that have caused wrinkles in my forehead (Holden will tell you that there are 3) and grays to spring up from my scalp like tinsel. 
Is that not enough? Must we all, as women with vaginas and egg producing ovaries and empty uteruses,  forever be asked when we’re going to fill it up with a miniature human? Why does it HAVE to be occupied? Why when it isn’t do people ask when it will be next???
Do we all having gigantic neon blinking “VACANCY!!!!” signs on our stomachs? 
This is NOT “Occupy Uterus!” You do not need to get tents and signs and camp outside of my vagina for as long as it takes me to be convinced to get myself knocked up again. It ain’t that serious! Please.stop.asking.
Now, I know that some of my friends just like to give me a hard time about it -as was the case last night when a lovely friend teased me, so this is not about her AT ALL but instead inspired by the comment and those who make them in all seriousness.  
I often find myself wondering, do you REALLY want me to have another child? Or is it that you want to see me balloon up like a beached whale again so that you can laugh at my misfortune? Or do you just know that my two are evil and the third will complete the tri-fecta and open the portal to hell?? Shame on you!
If we WANT to get ourselves knocked up, gain an ungodly amount of weight, and tear ourselves in half bringing another screaming pink sack of baby into this world, WE WILL. Or shit, maybe our bodies will just up and decide for us that they’d like to once again reproduce. STOP ASKING US WHEN!
Posted on December 23, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 15 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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15 Comments

  • I am so withyou on this! we went through this with my mil after we got married. then again, now after 6 everyones question is when are you going to get fixed. didn’t know I was broken,LOL its hubbys turn I did my time. cut the penis I say!

  • they have NO SCALPEL SURGERY for dudes! How easy is that?! I agree, go with the pecker! leave our tubes alone!

  • or how about people who ask “when are you having another one?” when your newborn is barely born? um can i have time to break this one in first? the damn cord is still attached….i mean come on people

  • My sister feels the same way. She doesn’t (currently) plan on having ANY kids, but people keep asking her.

  • Thank GOD for my hysterectomy! Im outnumbered as well and they get on my daggum nerves something fierce! You want another grandbaby… look at someone else cause this shop is freaking closed. 😀

  • Bwahahahaha!!! I truly am LOL over here in N. VA!

  • I can’t stop laughing! I’m with ya all the way on this one! What would come of a THIRD! ??! hahaha I too have to go through this as I am the only female with two sons…

  • Can the status of our uteruses just be LEFT ALONE??!?! what ever happened to the element of surprise????
    Love you ladies!!

  • I am so with you and so is my mom actually. Well mine is, can I please graduate from college with the 2 already have! I mean we might think about it in 2-3 yrs after we are both done with our degrees. I understand I gave my dad and mother their only 2 grandchildren but thanks Im good for now! My mom however she doesnt want me to have more because of my health. 2 pregnancies were hard on my already fragile body. For now, this shop is closed. BTW LOVE my IUD 🙂

  • I was asked, at 7 months pregnant with my one and only son, “How soon do you plan on having another? Well you better get ready because twins run in the family and not one of the sets of twins showed on the ultrasound. Everyone who’s had twins was suprised with the news after their labor continued even after the birth that another was still waiting to arrive! Not to mention the fact that you are so huge you look like you really could have two packed in there!” Well, thanks alot, this is why I didnt want to go to your stupid party in the first place! That question continued for almost 3 years until I finally told the family gossip I couldnt have any more because”as much as I wish I could have more” (not true) I was nearly sterile as a cancer survivor (true) and the one I had was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke just to get pregnant with him (sort of true). It may be evil of me to do, but guilt trips end their questions really quick.

  • We kept hearing the when are you going to have a baby boy?!?! Ya, well, we finally decided to try and guess what we got?!?! 2 OF THEM!!! I was always told about how boys and girls were so different but OMG!!!! I have never been so HAPPY to have my tubes tied in my life!!! We now have 2 girls and 2 boys and yet people still ask when we are going to have another!!! I straight tell them HELL NO and NEVER!!!!! This baby hotel if freaking closed and condemed!!!

  • ahhhh, a good olf fashioned guilt trip to shut people the hell up. I like that

  • Well, my husband busted my womb with his super sperm, so we only have one.

    I like to tell people that when they ask me if we are going to have more.

    As if having an only child is the WORST thing a person could possibly do. I’m pretty sure it must be up there with murder.

    Now that I’m over 40 no one asks me about babies anymore. So enjoy the asking. It means you still look young enough to have more. 😉

  • My tubes are tied, my kids are 19 and soon to be 18 (if the lil wench makes it the 7 more days with the attitude she has) and I get asked “Don’t you want a baby?” or “When are you and your new hubby having a baby?” What’s funny is when hubby answers “Oh HELL no we are not having kids” I just look up and say “yep he summed it up” and walk away