Make up your MIND, child!

There are many smells on this earth that I can handle (and no, fake zombie brains is not one of them), i’ve been pooped on, pooped AT (yes at), had to scrub day old chunky baby vomit out of sweaty neck folds, nearly gagged myself to death in a public restroom after it had been blown up by the person who used it right before me- but there is something about the smell of Parker’s two butt-buddy stuffed animals that is putrid to the point of being unbearable.
It took me a LONG time to rid the house of Parker’s sweaty head smell; people must have thought we were hiding a dog in the closet- and those stuffed animals caught the head worse than the carpet or the pissy couch.

Those two mangy things were beginning to smell like… well… a dead body. It was a mixture of sweat, drool, tears, and I imagine a dash of ripe urine. The kid drags them everywhere, wipes his nose on them when he’s crying, sobs into them, smears his foot-smelling sweat all over them, and refuses to ever put them down so that I can wash them. It’s been months. Imagine the smell; or don’t… I might not want to either. It is pungent.

Today he actually let me, after much convincing on my part of course. He walked right up to the washer and tossed not one, but both of them in… and then immediately changed his mind and COMPLETELY lost it. Sobbing Dee’s name like I had taken the stupid ass dog and burned it right in front of him. I fucking wish I would have! Nearly a full hour of blowing the biggest snot bubbles out of his nose that I have ever seen., hysterically sobbing, falling down, picking himself back up just to do it again. Following me from room to room when I refused to sit and watch the floor show.

Why can’t kids just MAKE UP THEIR MINDS? You say you want something, you WANT it. If you don’t, you DON’T. Don’t tell me you “want to starve” and two fucking seconds later be crying hysterically for the bowl of oatmeal that i’ve been trying to get you to eat for the past 20 minutes. I don’t have time for these kinds of stupid games. This is why some women swear off men forever! They wonder why we compare them to babies all the time… but seriously, can the line be any more clear to be drawn here?
They’re just like children, and this shit gets old. Fast.
Don’t get me wrong, LOVE THEM BOTH… but they can both be the biggest most indecisive assholes on the planet. JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Say what you mean, and mean what you say! Is it really that hard??

I swear to all that is holy, from now on- what they say, the FIRST TIME- goes.
Now, I completely realize that I will never actually follow through with this, but seriously, think about it- how awesome would it be to always be able to work that way. The kids might be hungry, or screaming and floating away in a gigantic balloon made of snot- but they’d learn pretty damn quick not to fuck with mommy.

I was honestly hoping after washing the shit out of those stuffed animals, and pulling them from the dryer hopefully rid of funk that Parker would lose interest. His territory was no longer marked, maybe that was the key to breaking the fixation…
But NO- he ran to them with open arms (the kind of greeting a parent always hopes to get upon coming home and rarely does) yelling “DEEEEEEEEE!”, sniffing them with joy (because believe it or not, if you get your nose REALLY deep down in there, the funk remains), and hasn’t put them down since.

I may need to buy some kerosene this weekend.

One last slightly related sidenote: It’s a good thing i’m married or i’d NEVER get a date!

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden



  • Color safe bleach added in with your favorite laundry detergent will do it. Trust me on this, my son has not let me wash “Rabbie” since he got the damn thing two years ago. We have to sneak it out of his room after he’s asleep and wash it along with whatever else he’s managed to rub his particular brand of super-stink onto.

  • try washing it with a cup of white vinegar in the wash. thats what i use to get rid of sweat smells, urine smells, animal smells, puke smells…you get the idea…hope this helps!

  • My older two had a “Blankie” obsession! I used to sneak in while they were sleeping, wash it, and return it before they woke up. We used vinager to get the smell out cause it’s cheap, it works, and it doesn’t leave the smell of vinager in it’s place. Then we febrezed the hell out of them before we tossed them in the dryer! My youngest, however, has choen Bingo! A stuffed dog that sings BINGO and so has been named the same! But, OF COURSE, he has batteries so I am stuck surface washing only and contemplating buying stock in Febreze. I can’t wait til this phase is finally over!

  • i loved this!!! of course, i love all your posts, but THIS!!!
    my 5 year old has just left the indecisive asshole stage, and the toddler is about to enter it. pray for me.

  • You are in my thoughts R&R.

    thanks for all the tips everyone. I don’t often stick my nose close enough to the beasts to get a good whiff… but the next time I do i’d prefer NOT to smell funk 😉