First it was the ‘Snuggler’, then the Boppy, then ‘Melmo’, and then along came a grungy stuffed dog… or maybe it’s a wolf… whatever, a grungy little thing Parker lovingly refers to as “Dee”- I assume “Dee” is short for dog; yes, my child is a creative one.
Dee goes everywhere with Parker. He goes to the store, on car rides, to bed, nap time, while eating lunch, watching TV, even taking a shit on the toilet; Dee is always there.
Does it get on my nerves? Absolutely. No one needs a grungy little wolf dog to take a crap, but he’s a little kid; what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t let him have some kind of security blanket, weird as it may be. I do feel like perhaps he should get divorced from his Snuggler first, this cheating can’t go on forever!
Why can’t he form some kind of unholy addiction to something normal like Peanut Butter or Chicken Nuggets… or nose picking. Why the revolving door of strange stuffed animals?
My beef with the stuffed animals is that in this house, they get lost. They get lost ALL.THE.TIME. Children are irresponsible, forgetful (when it’s convenient for them, not when you make them a promise, god forbid you ever do that), whiny little things. They put a toy down somewhere, walk away, forget they’ve left it int hat spot and then all hell breaks loose.
IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! HOLY SHIT MY TOY IS GONE! PLEASE ALLOW ME TO SCREAM NONSTOP FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES WHILE YOU SCRAMBLE ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES TO FIND IT JUST TO SHUT ME UP!
That is what happens in my house every single day. Every single day, somehow, Dee manages to go missing. If the kid is so damn obsessed you’d think he would keep better tabs, right?
Of course not, that’s MY job.
That major asshat Dee went missing yesterday around noon. Instantly Parker noticed an went on a manhunt, to no avail. My back was hurting so badly that there wasn’t really much I could do, and like everything else (and I guess like the kids; tree, meet apples) I forgot… until bed time, where as soon as it was time for Parker to get tucked in he started asking for “Dee?”
Cue a 30-minute full family search for that little shitface and coming up empty handed. Absolutely nowhere to be found. Our house isn’t tiny, but it’s HARD to hide things. There are only so many places a thing can go when it’s lost!
Needless to say, getting Parker to sleep that night with a stand-in for Dee was not an easy task, and not one I want to do again.
Today, i’d had enough. Every 5 minutes Parker was calling out for Dee. When he fell on got hurt, it wasn’t mommy he wanted, it was “Dee”, everything fun he was doing? He wanted Dee there instead.
Honestly, I was just sick of hearing the name, so it was time to buckle down and look again.
While searching for the always-fucking-hiding-from-me-and-causing-a-major-meltdown “Dee”, I did notice a few things, though.
A) under my bed is the cleanest part of the whole house, minus a creepy little hippo toy that was staring directly into my face when I pulled back the dust ruffle.
B) Holden had managed to stuff his ENTIRE train set under his bed. Why? I wish I knew. I don’t understand anything that kid does.
C) it’s amazing the things you can find in the most random spots that you thought you’d lost forever, and also the things you will find that your children broke and hid from you. I guess I should just be happy I didn’t find another turd back from our “find that smell!” game days.
D) kids leave shit in the most random places. Why is there a cowboy hat under the Christmas tree? Why are their dress shoes in the entertainment center? Blocks in the bookshelf, crayons under the sink… And how the hell did they do all of this without me noticing? Magic. I swear it’s magic.
E) I am glad no one ever bothers coming over here because holy shit this place is a wreck.
F) it isn’t just Dee that went missing, but the trusty old Snuggler as well. Apparently they got sick of being sweat, drooled, snotted, and cried all over and ran away together to escape their toddler master. Which meant more whining in my ear because Snuggler has become Dee’s back up. Can’t have one, have the other.. but what happens when both are gone? Prepare for shrieking.
G) my brain really has gone to shit since having kids, because of COURSE I didn’t think to look in the office, the ONE room the children aren’t allowed in… and of COURSE that would be the first place Holden suggested we look once I tasked him with helping, and OF COURSE that is where they would BOTH end up being, making my hours of searching seem completely fucking stupid. Fail.
I think perhaps the best idea would be to return all of Parker’s Christmas gifts and get a fucking homing-beacon implanted into Dee’s neck so he NEVER LOSES HIM AGAIN. That way, Parker’s always happy, and the house is filled with far less whining, making a far less harried mommy (and far fewer threats of selling the kids on Craigslist).
Wouldn’t that make a Merry Christmas for everyone involved? No?? Damn…
2017 has been a total wash thus far pic.twitter.com/N2J7qp2PxW
The REALEST thing on the internet right now holdinholden.com/2017/06/17-o…
17 of the Most REAL, Honest, & HILARIOUS Parenting Memes on the Internet goo.gl/fb/gPZWNy
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV