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The awkward purple underwear story

On any typical day, I have no problem making an ass of myself. I have little to no shame, and actually find it quite fun to have others laughing at me (they don’t even have to be laughing with me, although usually I am too).
That’s what most of the stories in this very blog are; I always figure if someone else can laugh at things that may be deemed ‘bad’, then they must not be so bad after all.

It is not often that I find myself turning 10 shades of red and completely horrified and humiliated. It is HARD to embarrass me. Tell people I farted? Even if I didn’t, i’ll take the blame. Point out food in my teeth? Thanks for the heads up, bitch! Tease me? I’ll go along with it, I don’t mind. See the size tag on my pants or tell me a nipple is showing… well, then we might have a bit of an issue- but i’m pretty good about keeping those types of things hidden.

The point is, something has to be REALLY bad, REALLY embarrassing, SO awful that you want to move out of the country and change your name kind of humiliating to make me want to crawl under a rock.
That kind of humiliation happened to me on Monday.

On Sundays, we spend the first half of the day scrubbing the disgusting house down- of course only to have it destroyed 5 minutes later but that’s beside the point. Once we finished, I had to sit and ice my stupid back and put my face on so we could actually get the hell out of the house. I don’t get out much, so on the weekends i’m itching to break free before I go insane and start eating hairballs.

While I did this, Thomas took it upon himself to pick out everyone’s clothes for the day. I do not usually let him do this or the boys end up looking homeless; and he has NEVER picked out clothes for me, not one single time. I am picky about what I wear, what goes with what, what shirt can be worn with what pants in order to camouflage my muffin-top, typical woman shit.

Once I had completed making my face look good enough as to not terrify small children, I got up and walked into the kitchen where everyone was getting dressed and noticed his handpicked outfit for me sitting on the counter.

Go ahead and get your ooh’s and aah’s out of the way over what a nice husband I have, because that’s about to stop. He just HAD to be a smart-ass about the whole thing because the underwear he brought down to go with the outfit?
A purple lingerie-esque thong. COVERED in ruffles. Yes, ruffles. So many ruffles that it is clear they were never intended to wear under anything, if you catch my drift.
Why the hell do I have something like this? Good damn question. I bought it YEARS ago, y’know, before my ass was ravaged by children and I thought I was the cat’s fucking meow.
Why didn’t I throw it away? Good damn question. I guess because I spent money on it and don’t like throwing shit out that i’ve worn one time because it feels like a waste.
Watch for me on Hoarders in a couple of years y’all, I think I have a problem. I’ll be the one with all the frilly thongs.

Smart-ass had his ‘hardy har-har’ moment, knowing there was no way in HELL I would ever wear that underwear, he actually had brought me down some normal ones too.

In my desperation to get the hell out of the house, I threw the clothes on (well, not the shirt, it made me look fat) and ran out of the house, promptly forgetting all about the underwear until the next morning, about an hour from when Parker’s speech therapist would be showing up. I snatched them off of the counter and due to the fact that I am eternally lazy, I threw them up the stairwell, and then promptly forgot about them again.

During the appointment, of course, Holden had to be his usual “THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME” attention-whoring self, so he got sent to his room. I should not have done this. Payback is a bitter bitch.

About 10 minutes pass and he calls to me asking if it’s ok if he comes back downstairs. I say yes; I also should not have done that.

He comes stomping down the stairs and emerges from the stair well, my back is turned to him. He announces in his loudest voice
“MOMMY! I THINK DADDY PICKED THESE OUT FOR YOU!”

What did he have in his hand? The frilly purple lingerie thong. Not just in his hand, but waving it around in the air like a flag.
 Fuck.My.Life.

I don’t think I have ever jumped up from a sitting position so quickly in my entire adult life. I shot over to him and snatched them out of his hands (and only barely resisted the urge to smack him in the back of the head) in a fleeting attempt to hide them from the woman sitting in our living room who has likely now seen them and wonders what the fuck kind of kink we get into that leaves purple frilly lingerie lying around where small hands can grab them, and chucked them back up the stairs.

It was one of those embarrassing moments in life where you can feel your ENTIRE body burn.

She didn’t bring it up, of course she didn’t bring it up, and I couldn’t bear to make eye contact with her to see if she was looking at me funny. Was I going to try to explain that I had NOT dressed up in lingerie but that it was a joke? Uhhhh no, if she didn’t see them, I wasn’t going to tell her about them! If she DID see them, what must she think??
Daddy picked them out for me? How would HOLDEN know if Thomas picked out lingerie for me to wear, WHY would he know. Oh dear sweet baby Jesus the horrifying possibilities are endless. I don’t even want to think anymore about what she must think.

I’m thinking of moving to another country and changing my name.

Posted on December 21, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 12 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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12 Comments

  • First blog I ever read, and I must say, I enjoyed!! ((sorry bout your thong incident)) lol….

  • welcome!
    and i’m BURNING that thong!!!!

  • that is some funny shit thanks for sharing i needed this laugh, GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

  • Can I top this? Maybe. We moved into our new (110 yr old) house about a month ago. Mother in law lives 7 blocks away. Love her to pieces. Blessed to have her in my life. Good Christian woman. Well, my 1 yr old likes to hide shoes. But only one, not both. Funny, but not so much when u need to leave for work….anyways…she was bbsitting the kids at her house. I’m at work. She thought it wld b a good idea to come over and dig around our house for 1yr olds rubber bottom slipper that had gone missing for a few days prior. Sigh. I go to her house to pick up rug rats after work, and she proceeds to tell me all the places she looked in my house. Apparently she thought going into our room was brilliant. She went through everything. Ugh. Even the blankets on our unmade bed. No, no slipper there mom. But, there’s NO WAY she missed my collection of ‘toys’ wrapped neatly in a towel. Funny, she never mentioned it. But didn’t look me in the eye for 2 wks either! Maybe cuz I was avoiding her at all costs LOL I can still feel my ears burning red…I wonder if I’m gonna burn for that one LOL I can’t imagine what she thought ….. I’m thinking of ways to make her key to my house disappear off her keyring….

  • Pretty sure if you google “purple frilly thong speech therapy” in a day two you’re gonna feel the burn again. She probably a blogging bitch! 😉

    The mess

  • It can’t be worse than coming home from work to find that the dog has gotten into the dirty laundry and not only has the little crap factory scattered my underwear up and down the stairs of our apartment, he had also chewed the crotch out of most of them! And I still have no idea if our roommate at the time had come home for lunch and seen this display.

  • LOL!!!
    kids always save the most messed up shit to do when company comes.. like #3.. will she do her cute little shuffle dance, or string together a couple of cute little words when we have friends over?? hell no. instead she’ll find a tampon {unused, thank god} and run around chewing on it. and we are so busy trying to be good hosts that we are the last to notice. GOOD TIMES!!

    • My two year old loves getting mommys tampons out and taking them apart, throwing away the plastic and stuffing the cotton in the toilet. I was wondering why my toilet was clogged up one day, come to find out that she had flushed about 20 tampons. Even though we didnt have any guests to stare at our tampon filled toilet, my lawn guy has had to pick up a couple from the front yard where she likes to throw them out the front door. That was very embarrassing.

  • DEAR LORD!

    I HAVE BEEN THERE.
    Emry likes to go through my drawers, and on one day…. I swear, we must have had the same shopping moment…. Purple Thong, Frills, ON HIS HEAD LIKE A HAT….. Running around the house…. He thought he was BUZZ LIGHTYEAR…… In front of my EX- MOTHER IN LAW….

    I threw them out….

    Contemplating moving to Zimbabwe… then I realized that wasn’t far enough away.

    http://www.katerivonstealsnewlife.blogspot.com

    Thank you for your commentary… and you’re right, I went down the rabbit hole… But, I resisted the urge, just online window shopping… No purchasing.

  • OMG….I’m so glad you re-posted that!!!! Gotta go in your “classic” files!!!!! I literally LOLed!!!!! It’s great that you can share things & realize life is just life, no big deal!!! LOVE your blog!!!!!

  • The worst most embarrassing thing for me was my 3 year old daughter coming out of my bedroom when the delivery guy was dropping off our dinner wearing nothing but one of my thongs and my bra and a pair of my riding boots…i wanted to die lol

  • I feel your pain. My fiancee is a total goof and one day while I was at work and he was off, he decided to play a “joke” of sorts. He picked up some fancy velcro/velvet “cuffs” to tie to the posts to the bed and got himself some “sexy” man thong thing-a-ma-bob… Well, the man thong disappeared quickly, but I ended up hiding the cuffs under the mattress since I couldn’t get them untied (damn Boy Scouts and their eight million knots!) My mom was over babysitting our son and wanted to charge her tablet (which is the same as mine and my fiancees…) Our cords are plugged into a power strip, where? OH YEA, under the bed… Guess what had fallen out from under the mattress and was literally next to the power strip? Oh yea, the “cuffs.”

    Wanna talk about a…errmm…tense homecoming? LOL She didn’t buy that it was a joke one bit…. (Glad to know she thinks I’m a freak, eh?)