I know at this time of year, people like to post things in their lives that they are thankful for. Friends, family, shmoopy mushy blah blah blah.
Let’s get read- that’s not exactly my style. Of course I am thankful for those things, but what fun is a shmoopy lovey dovey post?
I will now post the random weird things that a weirdo like me would be thankful for, but things I don’t think should be so easily overlooked.
1. I am thankful that Holden is no longer shitting in his bed and then hiding it in the closet during nap time. A game of “find that turd” is really a one-time-only funfest. After that it just gets disgusting… and stinky. Finding fossilized shit in a closet is highly overrated.
2. I am thankful that my stomach seems to no longer be sick. While I can appreciate my stomach’s insistence on not keeping anything in it, and helping me lose a little weight- what fun is Thanksgiving if you can’t bear to eat anything because you fear blowing up the bathroom while everyone else is stuffing their faces with fantasmic food?
3. I am thankful that it’s not freezing ass cold outside. I am not a fan of a white Christmas. I am not a fan of snow in general. Good old “global warming” sure is a friend of mine. I won’t be able to wear a t-shirt, but at least I don’t have to bundle up in a sweater and feel like i’m going to explode out of it after eating 15 plates of food.
4. I am thankful that Thanksgiving is NOT AT MY HOUSE. It’s not that I hate hosting parties… I just find them stressful, I don’t like having a gazillion screaming kids in my house, I hate cooking and even more I hate cleaning. And did I mention my carpet? it is in dire need of a deep, intensive steam cleaning. It’s disgusting, and not only do I find it embarrassing (we JUST steam cleaned in September), but I fear that having a ton of feet stomping around on it will be the end of it, and then where would I be? I never thought i’d say that I miss hardwood floors… but damn those were the days.
5. I am thankful that Parker has temporarily stopped pissing on my couch. It seemed like every day for 2 weeks there he would just unleash his bladder into a cushion, no warning. Poor pissy couch, I am glad you are getting a break. You still need to go, though.
6. I am thankful my Dad lives nearby and therefore we do not have to “travel” for this holiday. Two words: FUCK TRAFFIC. I delivered pizza for a year and I have some serious road rage left over from idiot drivers. Add holiday panic and idiocy to the mix and I swear i’d end up ramming someone for cutting me off or driving 15 miles under the speed limit like people love to do in this great state.
Ahhh I feel better now. Isn’t it great to be thankful for things? Even the weird, random little things?
What randomness are YOU thankful for?
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj
I-Spy on road trips DOES. NOT. WORK. Here's my "traveling with kids in cars" survival guide holdinholden.com/2017/08/road…
Roads trips with Kids–Here’s what you REALLY need goo.gl/fb/yj96Mw
@selfmademummy I'd explode if I tried