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Floor poopers anonymous

If we’re being honest, Parker has shit on my floor more times than ANY human should shit into or onto ANY surface other than a toilet.

He has done it so many times that I have found I have become completely paranoid about it happening again. I may think poop is one of the FUNNIEST things on the face of the earth (because I am mature), the act of cleaning it up I find to be absolutely horrifying, and completely sickening. I can’t even handle the smell of my own these days (which is all because of someone blowing up the bathroom in the chinese food buffet and nearly killing me from back to back gags). Having to scrub liquid bowels out of carpet, or fish out of a full bath tub is never a fun experience while it’s going on… afterward, once the horror has worn off, absolutely- but not in the thick of it.

Lately, though, I do have to say that Parker has gotten better at announcing when he feels one coming down the pike so we’ve been able to avoid having as many of these incidents in the past few months (yes, I just knocked on wood). He enjoys announcing it to me so often that he OVER-announces it, he loves to announce it and finds it to be quite hilarious.
“DOO DOO!” followed by a very loud grunt. Every.single.time he says it this way. I appreciate his enthusiasm for #2, but once he realized he was being funny, he began marching around the house doing it over and over again; “DOO DOO. UHHH! DOO DOO! UUHHHH!”
I do have to admit: it NEVER gets old, but it leads to a lot of confusion on my part.

Due to an extreme fear of shit in my carpet (or trailed the entire length of the kitchen), every time he does his little doo-doo-grunt routine, unless he has JUST gone, I rush him to the bathroom. This usually ends in a tiny trickle of pee, me asking him if he REALLY needs to go, and him saying “no.”
He also now thinks that EVERY time he farts, shit is sure to follow. Constantly I catch him squeaking one out, then digging his hand UP his crack while yelling “DOODOO!”
I have learned over time that generally, he does not have to go in these cases. SOMETIMES yes, usually no. He always insists on going, and 9 times out of 10 the most that will happen is another fart, followed by hysterical laughter, and then an “ALL DONE!”
Thanks for tricking me! I really enjoy spending the majority of my days in the bathroom due to false shit alarm. I guess I can’t be mad, to a 2 year old I would imagine the sensation of having to fart and having to shit may feel eerily similar.

My paranoia over poop accidents has lead me astray at times, though.

Almost every day lately, Parker has learned a new word. If not a word, a sound the makes for a word, a sound effect… it’s Parker-speak.

Over the past week, I have thought Parker was crapping himself more times than I can count because I hear him constantly yelling out “DOH DOH! DOH DOH!”
Panic sets in. I jump up from whatever it is that i’m doing, only to run over to him in an attempt to prevent my floor from yet again becoming a flat-surface-toilet, and find that he, instead, is smearing playdoh all over the kitchen. PLAYDOH. That deserves a good old fashioned FACEPALM.

Better to be paranoid than to be the chick who ignores her kid and ends up on hands and knees using a paper towel to scoop up warm toddler shit, right?

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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