There is a reason I avoid going to the doctor like the plague… and that’s because, simply put, it fucking sucks.
No two ways about it, it sucks. Add two little kids to the mix and it’s downright hell.
It’s one thing when it’s me getting fixed up, the kids might get bored but at least they aren’t getting poked and prodded, but it’s a whole other level of awful when it’s their turn. And of course, my kids have to have birthdays in the same month, so when it’s ones turn, it is the others at the same time. Simultaneous poking, a mother’s nightmare.
One of the main reasons we chose our pediatrician when we made the big switch was because unlike the previous, they have Saturday hours. Saturday hours means I don’t have to deal with taking them alone, which is far less of a headache for me (even if it craps on our weekend).
Unfortunately, everyone else is as amped on Saturday appointments as I am, because this time around there were none available… meaning it was my sole responsibility to drag both the boys asses and deal with them while they screamed simultaneously.
We always get called back quickly, which is nice, but sitting in a tiny room with 2 ankle biters and a shitload of medical equipment is harrowing for even the most veteran mother.
The climbing, the yanking, the jumping up and down on the hundred year old scale, the yelling “NO!” at the nurse when she asked them to perform tasks (this was Parker, of course, Holden is a nurse-whore and hung on her every word).
And then I was informed that Holden needed to pee in a cup.
The kid is above and beyond potty trained, but getting his pee in a cup with Parker whining in the background, and unable to get them both into the even tinier bathroom in order to accomplish this task was more than tricky. It was downright embarrassing. Dropping trou in the middle of the exam room and having to strategically place a cup underneath of him and pray he didn’t overflow the thing, or that no one walked in on us during this ordeal.
The shots I expected to be bad. Holden didn’t cry, but Parker snotted all over me for a good 5 minutes.
It was the finger prick that proved to be the worst. There is a reason that some people don’t become nurses. Pee, spongebathing people with festering wounds… my reason is blood. I DO NOT LIKE BLOOD.
Little did I know- my kids are bleeders. Parker covered himself and my hands in his because he refused to hold still to get a bandaid put on. All I could smell was iron, and instantly I felt like I was going to heave right on the top of his head. Thank you, nurse, for making ME the one in charge of trying to stop the bleeding. I so appreciate that.
Out of the needles, the prodding, the questions, the vision and hearing tests- can you guess which one Holden has been bragging about since we got home?
Peeing in a cup. He is apparently very proud of this new accomplishment… and now I live in fear that I will walk into his room and find him peeing into random things just because he now knows that he can.
I am happy that days like today only come once a year. I’m not sure how much blood and boogers and urine one person can take!
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.