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The Annual Halloween rundown: Mild and slut-free!

I guess I should have known from past experience that when the weather man says something, there’s only a 5% chance of it coming true.

After hearing that the weather was forecasted to be “cold and raining”, I moped around all day thinking about how miserable we’d all be. What’s the point of costumes? We’re going to freeze. NO CANDY!!!
Basically, a big fat pity party.

I pulled out the long johns, the heavy coats, and got to work finishing up Holden’s sword. Note to self: Never assume you have brown construction paper.
Jake from Jake & The Neverland Pirates has a wooden sworn (because why would you give sharp metal to a small child?) so i’d bought a thick cardboard-like material sword for Holden and wanted to cover it in brown construction paper to make it look like wood, and assumed the NEW pack of construction paper I had in the craft cabinet would have it. Uhhh no. Cut to me spending an hour cutting out white construction paper and coloring it brown and ending up looking like i’d washed my hands in mud.

It was a mad scramble to get the boys costumed up. To make Holden’s hair look like Jake’s I had to gel, spray and backtease it like a trashy Jersey Girl on a Saturday night.

Thomas saw Parker and said he looked like a Smurf. I was displeased by this. People had BETTER not be mistaking my kid for a Smurf all night!

Color me completely shocked when we finally got all of our asses out of the door and it was NOT COLD. I didn’t even need my jacket. What the fuck, “meteorologist”? Go back to school! I wore my jacket anyways because i’m a big fat baby when it comes to any kind of weather and I knew once the sun went down that I would be cold.

With the weather so mild, I really expected skimpy costumes all around. The skimpiest one I saw was a very large girl wearing a teeny-tiny maid’s uniform. I had to do a double take. Everyone else was pretty well covered… from what I could see. It was so dark, and there were SO many people in my Dad’s neighborhood that it was hard not to get confused and disoriented.

Parker seemed to have an absolute BLAST but Holden…. oooohhhh, Holden. He whined the entire time. The kid who said he wanted to trick or treat for “seventy hundred hours” reverted to saying things like:
My legs aren’t working
I think i’m allergic to scary noises!
I’m tired, i’m hungry, I want to go home!
Just ONE MORE HOUSE and that’s IT!

He insisted on sitting in the stroller we’d brought specifically for Parker, the slowest walker on earth. I informed Holden that if he was going to sit and make ME carry his bag, that his candy would automatically be all mine. That perked his lazy ass up really quick.
Parker ended up being carried. 25 lbs gets very heavy, VERY fast.

Thomas was wrong about Parker looking like a Smurf, I guess other people would have to see blue skin to assume he was dressed as one…
Instead he got mistaken for a gnome. A GNOME! Damnit.
Of course, no one knew who the hell Jake & Cubby are, so it lead to a lot of questions and far longer at doors than the boys wanted. I’ve never been yelled at so much by children.

I kept commenting that we didn’t seem to be getting as much candy as the previous years. Both kids boo-hoo’ed about their bags being two heavy after 5 pieces were deposited so we were constantly emptying their bags into the baby bag. It was only when I went to put the baby bag into the trunk when it was time to leave that I nearly fell over from the weight. SCORE!

We got home late, and very tired- no time to wash the kids or scrub the hell out of Holden’s head. You should see his hair today; two words: Hot mess.

All in all, a pretty good Halloween. I didn’t freeze my ass off, it didn’t rain until we were done walking, and there weren’t too many sluts with their asses hanging out.

While the candy has been a great motivator as far as bribing the kids with the promise of more to get them to do whatever the hell I want, it has given me quite the scare already.

The boys were getting ready for their nap- I was helping Holden brush his teeth and had put Parker on the toilet to do his business…. he, of course, was whining. A continuation of the never-ending fight over who gets to brush their teeth first.

I looked over to him as he was scooting off of the pot and saw his bare legs, the toilet, and the whole floor surrounding the toilet covered in brown liquid.
For a split second, I started to panic at the thought of diarrhea being smeared everywhere and the horror of cleaning it up… and then I remembered that he’d been taking his sweet ass time to eat a bite-sized piece of 3-Musketeeers candy. Crisis averted.

While we may have what is considered a years-supply of candy… we all know it won’t last that long. Why can’t Halloween be twice a year??

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • They are so cute! Love the costumes! Mine were spiderman and ironman..no one knew who the fuck ironman was so alot of time was spent explaining that too lol..