What men will NEVER understand

Over time, I have compiled a list of things, that regardless of years of marriage or being in a relationship, or even just being around women in general, that men will NEVER come close to understanding; at least not in my experience.
What is it about creatures with vaginas that men find so mystifying? What is it about us that confuses them so?

Is it true that we run off of emotions, and they run off of logic, and because of that- we will never see eye to eye or come to a full and complete understanding of the opposite sex?

Regardless of whether we come from Venus and Men come from Mars- i’m damn tired of explaining the same things over and over again, so here is my top 5 list! See if you agree.

1. Why I don’t wear thongs to bed
As much as I love a good thong under a tight pair of pants that would otherwise show horrendous panty lines- my vag needs some breathing room sometimes, and night time seems to be the best option to do that. The last thing I want is a yeast factory below my belt line. You gotta air that shit out!
Thomas does not get this, and constantly he makes comments about how he I have a “thing” about “nighttime underwear and daytime underwear” as if it’s so weird he just can’t comprehend why I do it.

hey, guy, you have your organs on the OUTSIDE- don’t judge me. You should be thanking me, because otherwise I may have a smell so bad it would prevent you from getting any kind of action.

2. Why I put more makeup on before friends come over
I am ashamed that even Thomas has seem me at my ugliest: roving landbeast status, but i’ll be damned if I let civilians see me that way. I do have SOME dignity left.
Thomas is used to my makeup-less baggy eyed, freckled and blemished face at 7 in the morning- other people are not. And while it’s understandable, as I am a mom of 2 insane little boys- I don’t need anyone else knowing what I look like at my worst. I want people to think i’m the HOT mom… even if i’m not. Get offended all you want, Thomas- you married this! I’m not going to waste time caking on the makeup for you. I don’t walk around in granny panties, sweats, and covered in baby vomit. I look presentable, isn’t that enough after tearing myself in half two times over?

3. Why the brand of tampons matters.
Call me a sadist if you wish for making Thomas go out and buy my tampons for me (or call him a Saint). The way I see it is this: if I go to the store and buy them, the person checking me out will know I have a crime scene going on in my nether region. That is highly embarrassing. If he does? Well, clearly HE’S not going to be using them- so what’s so embarrassing about that?
Even after nearly 5 years of marriage, he does not quite grasp that one size, and one brand, does NOT fit all!
Did you really bring me home scented ULTRA absorbancy tampons? Are you trying to tell me that my snatch not only stinks, but is a huge gaping hole?
I don’t want my lady bits smelling like potpourri, and I do NOT need ultras. And don’t you DARE buy me ANYTHING without an applicator, because even though it’s mine- i’m not sticking my fingers WAY up there when it’s bleeding.
Men don’t understand the difference- I think there should be a class.

4. Why we scold children quietly in public
It’s like telling a kid that there are inside and outside voices. There’s a time and a place for everything- and while we HAVE to discipline our kids while we’re out or they think they can get away with absolutely anything, we SHOULD do it so that no one else can hear.
People stare, and your voice CARRIES- and that shit is EMBARRASSING. I don’t care how much of a dickbag Holden is being, or how much Parker is whining over some toy that Holden won’t share- SHHHHH. Keep it down, or take them outside- but please don’t humiliate me even more.

5. Why I am allowed to complain more than you.
You try spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with two screeching demons, and have me come home after being out all day and start to bitch after 2 minutes and see how you feel. Yes, I have it worse. Yes, I have a right to complain and unleash a day’s worth of diarrhea and screaming kids onto you. You? You don’t. Deal with it!
Sorry guys! I have serious respect for all the fathers that change shitty diapers and help out around the house, Thomas sure does- but in the end, women have the lead in the complaining department, if for no reason other than the fact that we sacrificed our minds and our bodies to bring your kids into this world. That along is the trump card, hands down.

So that’s the list- do you agree? Do you have any to add? Share them!

Posted on October 1, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 17 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • The tampon one.. omg! It’s so true! I have to be SO specific about what I want when I send sabe for tampons. Only one brand works well with me. I bleed a ton in the first few days and if I use say, the pearls, the full tampon doesn’t just slip out. It gets stuck inside me because of the way it opens. I have to have those ones that open like a circle all the way around so I’m not tugging and writhing in pain for 20 minutes trying to get a bloody stinking tampon out of me every couple hours.

    I have to agree with the last one too. When you’ve got small kids who can’t have a conversation with you that doesn’t involve a tv character, a bodily function or what they want and want NOW.. you go crazy. I’m sorry that you spend all day with adults, having intelligent conversations about whatever you talk about with other military dudes, I’m not having the same pleasure at home. I can’t even have a full complete convo at home.

  • Let me tell you a story… about a time where I was out of tampons and asked my mom for one (I was a teenager).
    Little did I know that she gave me a SUPER ULTRA.
    Little virgin me.
    It got stuck.
    for DAYS STUCK.
    I yanked and I pulled and that sucker just wouldn’t budge. I cried hysterically. FINALLY it came out.
    My mom felt bad for YEARS over that.

    Thought you could relate 😉

  • “..but in the end, women have the lead in the complaining department, if for no reason other than the fact that we sacrificed our minds and our bodies to bring your kids into this world. That along is the trump card, hands down.”

    hmm my new favorite quote! haha this was so funny- #2 sounds like me for sure. My hubs is pretty good about the tampon thing haha

  • Too funny!

    I’m a new follower from MBC. Hope you can stop by http://www.mamasmusingsblog.blogspot.com

  • So funny. I totally agree that we definitely have the right to argue more. I had a training tonight for my business that lasted an hour. My 3 month old screamed the entire time. When I got done I came out into the living room and my boyfriend looked not so happy! That was an hour. I have them 24 hours a day. He wonders why I love FridayS!!

  • 100% agree with every single word!
    Oh my Lord…

  • ahhhh there really should be like an article or something… tampons for dummies!!!!! So true….glad to know it’s not just me!!!

  • LOVE it! There is so much a man will never get.

  • Ja, I know, kind of a necro-posting here; but…
    What about stay-at-home dads? 2 years I was home, and not just for the 11 hours a a day the wife was gone; but making sure that I got up when any of the kids squawked so that she could get a good night’s sleep. Is it strictly ovary-owners that get to bitch and whine, or is it stay-at-home parents?

    And I totally get the tampon thing. I’m pretty fussy when it comes to my knives and guns, so I understand. Yes you have to be really specific the first time, or any time the instructions change, just like I have to be really specific if I send you by the gunshop to pick-up some supplies (Don’t even think about buying me a birthday present there unless it’s a gift card).
    The thing I don’t get is the reluctance to buy in bulk. If I find a good buy on tampoms, your brand, your size, your style, let’s buy all the store has, I’ll fill a shopping cart with them and walk to the check-out. I don’t care if the store PA blares “Manager to aisle 6 to argue with a crazy-man about the limit on the tampon sale!”, if I can save $50 on the cost of a year’s ‘plugs’, why would I care?
    Because, baby, if you find a deal on H4831 or CCI BR2 primers, I want you to buy enough that our kids won’t run out!

  • Mitter you totally rock! Loved your little mini post.

  • I WISH I could wear tampons…so when hubby buys he buys pads…my cervix is way too small and doesn’t matter how many times I’ve tried even with doctor help, get’s stuck and HURTS.

  • I agree with the list 100%!! And, Mitter, you are the bomb. 🙂

  • I LOVE your blog. 🙂 I completely agree with the tampon thing. I don’t mind getting them myself unless the hubby is with me. He acts like I can just grab any one of the boxes off the shelf and call it good. Sorry honey but my girl is picky. 😉

  • I agree 100% on all this. But, I don’t understand the tampon getting stuck thing! I’ve never, ever had a tampon get stuck, and for DAYS???!! Omg, I’d be TSS freaking out! Granted I’ve never used a tampon more than regular because of TSS paranoia, but seriously? For 1, during that time, it’s like a damn murder slip and slide, and I know when it’s full because I can feel it full, but I’ve never had one stuck. Even when there’s been no blood on it. I don’t understand that one! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had 2 kids, been married for almost 7 years and it still hurts at first during sexy time, so I don’t have a gaping hole or anything, but I’m the same size all the way through.

  • Even though it is said that men wear the pants in the family or that a Man’s home is his castle, I think the ladies rule over us men because they control the lady bits. Piss the wifey off, no sex. Disagree, no sex. See where I am going with this?
    While I was still married, I would come home and try to talk to my ex about my day. She would get pissy and overtalk me with how much shit she has to do around the house while I worked. Granted I would put in 8-12 hour days 5-7 days a week, come home and help around the house despite being dog assed tired, I never did as much as the wife.
    I understand all of your points. I agree with them. But, do you ladies see ours as well?

    • Just as I never lump ALL men into the “doesn’t understand” category, women should not be lumped in either. If Thomas has a long or bad day, I listen, even though I don’t understand half of what he’s talking about. Marriage is give and take, and it seems like there wasn’t a lot of giving on her end, which perhaps may have been one of the reasons it didn’t work out?