The un-evolution of man

We may have come a long way in the evolutionary chain, able to walk upright and create mechanical devices to make our every day lives easier than having to conk each other over the head with clubs and kill and harvest things ourselves in order to eat them- but for some reason- men’s fascination with their own penis remains as strong as ever.
From days of cavemen to today- they all seem to think they can rule the world over those of us with vaginas because their sexual organs are on the outside of their bodies- giving them the ability to swing them around like kings, and thereby being able to smack people in the faces with them. THE POWER!!!

Ok, maybe that isn’t 100% accurate, but it certainly seems that way sometimes.

I know i’m constantly saying “I am not a man hater!”, because I write about them so often and tease about their downfalls and shortcomings (as if women don’t have them too!), but keep in mind that I have two little boys who do in fact act their ages and not their shoe sizes- and unlike with an adult- this does not work in my favor.

Two little boys, who just like the generations of men before them, have an inane fascination with their own junk. Constantly I catch them just fiddling around with it, and it always leaves me scratching my head.
Sure, it’s new to them, I can see how something hanging between your legs might be a curious thing to explore- but this continues on into adulthood (a la Al Bundy). Perhaps it’s because I don’t exactly have boobs that are enviable to others or of any astonishing size, so I can’t understand the fascination with my own body parts. Mine are something i’ve always despised, especially since having children, so I guess I could be way out of the loop and offbase.

Still, that being said, my kids obsession has moved into strange and hilariously uncomfortable territory.

The penis obsession, mixed with an unfiltered 4 year old’s mouth, combined with not being old enough to realize what he is saying or how odd it would be if he were just a few years older, has led to this blog. And to today.

Case in point:
During breakfast this lovely Friday morning, Holden starts talking about how today i’m going to be Daddy. I informed him that I have absolutely no interest in being Daddy, and very matter-of-factly motions to his nether region and he says “You’d need to grow hair on your pecker first!”
Upon seeing my horrified look, he begins to laugh hysterically. So, the penis-obsession is not only hereditary by gender, but funny. There are times as a parent you can’t help but to laugh, even though you know you shouldn’t- this was one of those times.,

Not even an hour later, I was doing my normal (and half-assed) exercise ritual to keep from becoming the dreaded roving land-beast. Each morning I do this, I try to get the boys involved, because if I don’t- I know for a FACT I will end up tripping over their asses and smashing my face into the floor. They don’t call children “ankle biters” for nothing.
One of the standard parts of this ritual is jumping-jacks, just to get the heart rate up. Holden LOVES to do jumping jacks with me, even though he looks completely fucking ridiculous doing them because he is the least coordinated person on the planet.

Instead of doing the usual “hands up, down to the side” move that I was doing, he was slapping his hands onto his thighs, and his crotch. Upon seeing my puzzled look as to WTF he was doing, he announces proudly “I’M DOING A PECKER JACK!”
Needles to say, he broke my workout stride.

Sadly, I don’t think this trend shows any signs of stopping. I doubt evolution will rid men of their outer-parts, as they are needed for procreation and the survival of the planet, and as long as they have these parts hanging between their legs, they will always be fascinated by them. We women, especially we mothers of boys, just have to learn to deal with it.

Still, I am not at ALL looking forward to the inevitable moment where I walk in on him masturbating. I could most certainly end my life happily without EVER having witnessed that.

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • OMG. I couldn’t help but laugh reading this! Great blog…I look forward to reading all the blogs you have currently and future ones!

  • men are the way they are with their penis because we have to treat it as a sperate person from the beginning….once they have had the lil trim before they come home we are told what to look for, hell they even give is a lil card with pictures on it that looked nothing like what my sons did…you know the routine, not to wet, not to dry, no powder, what does the ring look like, dont touch the ring…blah, blah, blah…its all so stressful..thank God i only had one of those, the other kid was just like me….lol

  • whoa WHOA! A card with PICTURES?? O.o
    I did not receive one of those… ew!

  • Pray you never walk in on a fapping in progress. I walked in on my oldest when he was about 14/15(now 22) and I don’t know who was more embarrassed. Him or me. What was worse was after I told him to do it in either the bathroom or his bedroom(he was in the living room), I caught him doing it again not 10 minutes later.

  • Really funny stuff! I had three daughter’s and now have a 2 1/2 year old too big for his britches and IQ higher than mine who absolutely threw me into a panic last week. Uh…It was a moment, I assure you )0; Trying not to laugh or run at the same time I regained my composure after he decided to thrust his manhood at me and begin to crack himself up. I politely said “Stop that Jack.” He gave me this impish grin and once again thrusted it at me and gave another huge belly laugh. He was so amused and taken with horrifying his poor grandmother that at that point nothing could make him stop. After going from leaving his britches off for easier potty training I hurridly slapped them back on and told him “not today.” Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Trust me when I say he thought this up all on his own and nobody has had access to this little manchild that would even remotely teach him something like this. I discussed it with his parents and they did exactly as I did and went from pure astonishment to laughing and then realizing laughing would not be appropriate to asking me what to do? Are you kidding me? I haven’t a clue.

  • Trust me, I’m not sure which is worse, as I have been through 3 of the 4 stages of penis evolution. Stage 1- The Discovery and subsequent SHARING of the Discovery. Stage 2- The unexpected DISCOVERY of EVIDENCE of Mastrabation. ie. ALL the washclothes in the ENTIRE house g missing…only to be found in your sons laundry. And only AFTER you pick one up, do you realize the absolute HORROR of what you have just done. Stage 3- The accicental walking in on. Which, truth be know, you should have been wary of since you did the laundry. Stage 4- (BTW- I haven’t had THIS one YET) The walking in on when he is NOT ALONE!! I think I will just go ahead and DIE if that ever happens…

  • Oh my Jenny, reading that made me giggle, fantastic blog. It’s like you were in my house describing my boys antics. As they dance naked after a shower, jumping up and down trying to out bounce each other with the “penis dance.”