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Toothbrush Wars

Every single night, and now ever afternoon- there is a HUGE fight over which of my kids will brush his teeth first; like it’s the most important fucking thing they could ever do in the entirety of their lives is to be the first one to the bathroom at bedtime, because in their minds, the first one to the bathroom is the first one to the sink, and the first one to the sink is the first one to brush their teeth.

Slap fighting, screaming, tantrums, biting, wailing, screeching, pinching, biting, delaying bed time 30 minutes; all over some GD toothpaste. TOOTHPASTE! I cannot for the life of me understand what the big deal is- but then again- Holden is the kid who begged and pleaded and insisted on going to the dentist until I relented and took him.

Today at nap time, Parker just so happened to beat Holden to the bathroom, probably because Holden was too busy picking his ass or something equally as disgusting as he loves to do, but this made Holden absolutely LOSE HIS DAMN MIND.

At night we’ve gotten so sick of the constant fighting and wailing over “BUT ITS MY TURN! BUT I WANT TO! MINE MINE BLA BLA ME ME ME!” that we ritually make them take turns now. There is no arguing, no confusion. One night Parker goes first, and the next, Holden does. I’ll admit that nap time is no so orderly. By the time I get both kids done with lunch, i’m so exhausted from the food wars that have likely just taken place and the bickering over who doesn’t want to eat what and complaining about someone touching the other one, I forget this new “law”… and so the race is on.
You’ve never seen two kids haul their asses up a flight of stairs faster. You’d think they were on fire (i’d use the mud butt comparison, but let’s face it, little kids just don’t understand the urgency of impending diarrhea).

By the time Parker was done brushing his teeth, Holden was so upset that he did a shit-ass job of brushing his. He likely only succeeded at flossing with his own snot. He’d had candy after lunch (“dessert”-aka-Mommy’s a fat ass) so I wanted to make sure he’d been thorough as to not get cavities from particles left over from a bad brush job. I usually finish up for him- ohhhhhh fuck no! He’d waited an extra 45 seconds to brush his teeth today and he would be DAMNED if he was gonna let me help, it being my fault and all… so I did what any self-respecting mother would do- I tricked him.
“Fine. Let your teeth rot out because you didn’t brush well enough”
Worked like a charm.
he must be able to snot on demand because those things started pouring out of his nose like a faucet while he sobbed “But I WANT TO USE MY TEETH TO EAT!”

It’s days like today where I curse myself for not sending him to that horrid preschool just to save myself the constant battles over stupid shit like sinks and toilets.

Remind me the next time we move to get a house that has a bathroom with TWO sinks. Christ on a cracker.

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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